june 12 2011

(listening to the decastris interview on sock monkey sound)

so here is the deal

the words have run off
and and hiding
under some rock
dark
wet
cold...well, cool

so unless we go on a hiking seach thing

don't expect much

or

sometimes
i just can't say what i want to
because
being under the rock
i feel somebody is watching

may 3 2011

i think

dancing is
your soul playing dolls

i think
dancing is

what your essence does on holiday

dont let that out

                       

i was feeling today
that i seem to have lost it
i sometimes wish i would
pray that i would

life would be easier
but

i don't think so

some times

it would just be easier
if it were all done

but
i don't think that is painted on my wall
of life

so i will just sit here
and ponder

my life
that wall
and wonder

april 23 2011

smiling faces
mean
happy places

(shot outside a liquor store in iowa city iowa)

let the words speak to you
let the ideas cleanse your soul

april 14 2011

so there it is
another day
hit 57 today

yeah

not sure what that means

i feel like i feel

never liked what i looked like

sounded like

but i'll get over that
i am here
trying to be
be in the moment
a life long task

another milestone in that linear/chronological sense

now
just which way do i go next

april 9 2011

i know what i know
regardless
i dream

silly isn't it

i guess that is why it is called dream

perchance

(cypress hill - strickly hiphop)

april 8 2011

welcome back
i say
i missed you guys
................................

i was wondering to myself
 
if i woke up one day
and found that i was in your body
i think i would have to explore my new surroundings

...........................................
today
i was reminded
when i feel most natural
like
the person i am

 february 16 2011

i have been silent for some time
i have been visual
yes
but
not much else
not that the thoughts are gone
no
just silent
is all
i have had words
but not been able to capture
write
record
memorize

but

never the less
i thought i would stop by

and say hi

december 7 2010

so today was the day of infamy
seems the memory is fading

armistice day has been turned into veteran's day

seems the original idea fell from grace

anyway
i opened up a new container of altoids
that piece of paper on the inside had
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK (in red)

so that gave me pause to think
for a second

last night
i had this thought

i have many weaknesses
which is a good thing
i would not want to be one of those
only weaknesses (only child?)
no
i would want my weakness to have other weaknesses
to grow up with
share experiences with
mature together
causing/creating other weaknesses
be compassionate of others
finding center

so enough of that

i left for a bit
to post up on f/b
then youtube surf
and share

now it is late
to late to say anything witty

so i will leave you with this

november 29 2010

so listen up
because
i have something to say

nothing much really

i just want to be heard
need really

last night
while lying in bed
i had something important to say
some profound actually
but
like most nights like this night
i did not get up
turn on the light
and write it down

so here i am
with something to day
but
i can't seem to find it

so

if you don't mind

please keep your eyes open for it
it really is important
profound actually

oh
and if you think of it
would you please stick a fork in me
the next time that is
where i awake
with important thoughts
profound actually
so i actually
act

thank you

november 16 2010

i dont know why
though
i think i should

and considering the rate of increase
of shear volume

if i dont
i will
or might anyway
be left behind

makes me realize
consider
believe
that

it is ok if i dont

being left behind
left to be

sounds pretty good

though
i dont know why

november 3 2010

i am back with a vengeance
he said
i said
but
i may have been lying

or
vengeance may be the wrong choice of words

my focus has not been here
though i have not forgotten

it is just that
sometimes
live becomes full

and something has to sit

and many times
it is this place
here

not my here
just my cyber here
my cyber place

but there still is balance
or
shall i say
i can still balance

so
let the music play on
while i ponder
you

october 15 2010

recent phases that have been tossed upon my ledge

this one came to me as i was falling asleeep last night...

i am the blade that is wielded
that blade is fire
.....................................

i have a date with the night

.....................................

i have to think of a reason
to get you over here again
to be near you
talk with you
Visual imprint
Yeah
just to be near you
that helps
 

october 10 2010

reflections to earlier words

-------------------------------------

she packed my bags last night pre-flight
zero hour nine a.m.
and i’m gonna be high as a kite by then
i miss the earth so much i miss my wife
it’s lonely out in space
on such a timeless flight

and i think it’s gonna be a long long time
till touch down brings me round again to find
i’m not the man they think i am at home
oh no no no i’m a rocket man
rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone


mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
in fact it’s cold as hell
and there’s no one there to raise them if you did
and all this science i don’t understand
it’s just my job five days a week
a rocket man, a rocket man
(b taupin)

october 7 2010

i felt the darkness today
it shown in all it's blinding glory
i felt it pulse
as well did he who is the reason
i looked into his soul
and he knew this
he felt my hot breath
i could taste his fear
it's sweetness lingers
but i did not partake

the darkness withdrew

and i am now

here

september 29 2010

what if
the real meaning of life
was that life was a game
of a life at a higher level
the objective of the game
was to offer subtle clues
to all of us on earth
to see who would be the first to realize
that there was no real meaning
for all of the
activities
struggles
actions
that we perform
that the only reason we exist
is so that life form at a higher level
could enjoy the game
pass their/it's time
and to see if one person would discover this truth
if a person did discover this truth
then the game would end
once that happened
the higher life would then wipe the game table clean
and go off to something else
eternity can be a boring bitch

september 25 2010

stand on the street corner
shouting at the top of your lungs
making the strongest statements
you will find
you have become invisible
and so
congratulations
you are now safe

september 24 2010

so back some time
(see below a couple years)
i fell for someone
more deeply than i had
ever
really
it was a wonderful experience
until it ended of course
there was a 9 month period
where the thought of her
was my primary thought
central
daily
minutely, actually

after 9 months
it lessened

until i had me back

so

at some point
i wished to not feel that deeply again
i did not like to lose myself like that
again
i had wished to forget that feeling
i thought that i was better having not having been there
than to have suffered as i felt i did

the experience
as good as it was
and it really was
and as bad as it was
the pain of loss
the loss of self

really has me gun shy
to the point
i think
(it is hard to tell when you fool yourself sometimes)
that i do not consider self
worthy
or some other bullshit
no matter
it works

even when i crush on someone
i dont let them know
even when i just would like to do dinner
i shy away

it has me thinking
wondering

september 13 2010

then again

to save me any future pain
you would take this stake
and drive it through this black heart of mine

so
or
i am in my own loosely defined limbo
a free form prison
yes
of my own making
i have told myself this story
and told it well enough
that i believe
well enough
that i don't know if i am lying
damn i am good
besides
i dont trust myself
my judgement that is
the problem being
a part of me seems to know the inevitable
so tells the other part
it is not worth the effort
i am right
because i have been wrong so many times

so i say
as i get close
no
fuck it

look
i just did it again

see

september 1 2010

words are kinda like toys
you can stack them up this way
and that
you can arrange them into different shapes
step back and have a look
maybe even take a photograph of them
or
get some paints out and have at them
though
once you are done
you should take them over to the sink
and wash them off
or they might smell later
and get sticky

...........................................................

facebook takes my words and eats them

such as

i was peeling the layers away
only to reveal
my essence
quintessence actually
that revelation
it's impact
was life affirming
not life changing
not that act
no
not that
but rather
just another step

so what do i do?

i take them back
dig them out of the heap that is "recent activity"
brush them off a bit
and post them here

just some food for thought

august 29 2010

i have not been here for awhile
i tend to type my useless drivel on facebook anymore
interesting
i read in my most recent issue of wired mag
that the web is dead
meaning
we don't wander the netherworld that is the web
but rather
we funnel ourselves (or are funneled) into the facebooks
as social butterflies
we are drawn to certain lights
when there was darkness
we searched
seems, for many
the search is over
we mearly hover near the social scene light
i seem to reflect that
though
occassionally
i wander back into the dark
here that is
to put up another snippet of paper
a little note
on a wall
in a bottle
then head back
wondering
if anyone ever does see what i have placed out there

is there another mary

august 3 2010

talking about likes and dislikes

as it pertains to art
specifically
music or visual

i am of the belief
there is no good or bad
as long as a person i creating
is pulling from the heart

as long as it is not pretentious
as long as they are not trying to create something
that they think others would want
but rather
that they are pulling from their own soul
then
i can not judge it
i can like or dislike
but that does not make it any more or less

the beauty stands alone
in the creation

it is not for me to judge
only
to like or not

an example
if judge james brown were to be judged by committee
and based upon that judgement
he was to be heard or not
judging his voice
his look
his lyrics
well
we might not have heard of him
but
fortunately
he was not
he just moved forward
singing, dancing his art
to anyone who might listen
and listen they did

so if they are creating
then they should be applauded
for that alone

august 2 2010

so here i am
back again

time on my hands
but with a head
empty
of words

i blame it on this
or that

maybe
because
just because
there is not mirror around
to see the real culprit

is it the lack of words
or
the lack of attention
to the moment
to the words
too busy to slow down
to think
ponder

move from reaction
to
deliberation

here
right here
right now
the words come out simultaneously
in my mind
as i type

a deliberate result
of me opening notepad
my little piece of virtual paper

i have to admit
even though i am sitting here typing
i am also looking at the work of trish noble
modelography
a wonderful visual story teller

someone
who is an inspiration
who's work inspires me to continue
with my own search
not copy
but
to emulate

which
is a good thing
i think (and so i am)

july 20 2010

yesterday
was one step closer to a new beginning
a closing (almost) of one chapter of my life
and
an opportunity to open another
yes
an opportunity
nothing is a given
so even though i am not rushing into the breach
i am smiling
while looking into the horizon

it is all downhill from here
so grab a piece of cardboard
or plastic
or some kinda saucer
and let's see what the ride is like

july 18 2010

a few things below

in response to a question on religion and self

free will is the kicker isn't it
i try to follow buddhist teaching for understanding my life, self and how to maneuver on the path that i follow
don't really worry about the religious side of that (as gotama's preaching seemed to question this as well)
like you i was brought up in the church
the lutheran here
the lords prayer is my mantra 
i find beauty in some of those teachings
those words
free will tells us there is not security
i some times think security equates to complacency
and complacency equates to a slow painless death
as a great thinker once said
if i were to chose between pain and nothing
i would choose pain
good luck on your journey

..........................................

if i have one wish
it is this
to one day have the opportunity to get a motorcycle
and be able to take a trip
a long trip my camera
a sleeping bag
and off i go
following the beauty
in search of that one thing
or should i say
that next thing
that next destination finding what?
that out side of me
or me
self
could that be the ultimate destination
and one other thing
to leave a trail behind for others
for those i love
that long long painting that wraps all the way around your room
that would be nice

..................................

for those in affluent familys with parents who have been taught skills and methods of remaining at that level of society there are fewer choices.
what i mean is they do not have the choice of whether or not they will go to college but just which college. even topic is narrowed as the parents
know those which one will gain the most (upper level medical, financial, legal, political). once the child is endoctrinated they can move forward
with less difficulty than that person who has not had that direction.

so based upon a recent "conversation" i had i thought i might offer up a couple alternatives if one is not in the above category.

judge this:

i am an early teen girl who has the looks and height that the modeling world has to offer. my grades are ok and i really have no other interests
than music, being with my friends and, sometimes, boys. my mother has discovered that if we participate in the teen pageant circuit that my
options are increased many times. if i succeed and am able to make a living with this i can expect an upper 5 to lower 6 digit income for a few years

i am an early teen boy who always looked up to those big tuff guys with envy. i am good looking but not very tall. my grades are ok and i really
have no other interests than hanging with my friends, not much for music and though i like girls i am very shy. if i really work on the weights,
watch my diet, and use dietary suppliments to legally enhance my physique i can expect to win local and national contests. if i succeed and
am able to make a living training, managing at a gym i can expect an upper 5 digit income for a number of years

i am an early teen boy who comes from a mid/lower income family and neighborhood. i have always looked up to professional sports figures.
i am pretty agile myself. my grades are ok and i really have no other interests than hanging with my friends, listening to music, and girls. if i
can focus on sports and succeed i can expect to go to college on a sport scholarship where the pro scouts will find me and i can expect to
make living playing for a number of years then part of the organization after. i can expect an mid/lower 6 digt income for a few years then a
mid/upper 5 digit once i am on the organization as support

i am an early teen boy/girl who comes from a mid/lower income family in a rural/urban neighborhood. i have been taught that i am special because
i am an american and that i should revere those who were in the military and gave their lives for us and that it is america right or wrong. my grades
are ok. i am thinking about the military myself. my grades are ok and i really have no other interests than playing video games, hanging with my
buddies and girls, though i am kinda shy. a lot of people are out of work where i live. if i join and succeed i won't make a lot of money but i will have
a job for awhile, with a roof over my head and my health benefits paid for. of course in this day there are plenty of places for me to go around the world.
besides combat i will learn other skills for the time that i return such as electronics or mechanical. i can expect to make lower mid 5 digit income once i have returned

i am an early teen boy/girl who comes from a mid/lower income family in a rural/urban neighborhood. i have really not had a lot of direction at home,
both my parents work and tend to be tired when they get home. school is boring. my grades are ok but i really don't know what i want to do.
i will try to find a job. maybe at a fast food restaurant or at a walmart or bestbuy or somewhere like that. i will expect to make lower 5 digit income
so it will be difficult to move out of my parents house and if i do i really wont have any money left over to even think about school though i really
don't know what i want to do anyway.

i find it difficult to judge those who make life decisions as i am not them. i just hope that they have considered all of their options
(if they are able to have access to said options)

...........................

film

the intestines of a camera
it's experiences
all strung up
for all to see
all of those stories
yet to be told
yet to be developed

july 8 2010

and yet again
or
part three

my enemy is inertia
laziness
complacency
a lack of talent
a perceived lack of talent
doubt
my enemy is myself

my friend, my strength
begins with the awareness of just who my enemy is
add perseverance
persistance
don't worry about those two steps backward
just look forward
be a salmon
keeping moving forward

be in the moment
understand the journey is the key
but
don't lose sight of the horizon
balance is being here
and now
but
looking out
into that horizon
evey now and then

concentrate
meditate
look inward
be part of
it

there is where strength begins
center
knowing
it is part of us
with in our grasp
though it is difficult to attain
it is attainable

breathe in
contract those abdominal muscles
center your strength
understand self

now
then
know your enemy
embrace your self

....................................

back in the mid seventies
i would listen to dylan
tomorrow is such a long time
the lyrics, the words
normally i am not a lyrics sorta guy
but those struck me
they were about you
in my mind
the one thing
i did not see your face
i knew you were there
but i did not see you

that has not changed
except for this one time
as close is it could have come
to being you
but i am not so sure
though there is that doubt
you
being like me
pulled back
and being me
i did also

not sure though
if that was you
or
something fooling my heart

so i sit here, from time to time
and think
wonder
where you are
might be
or
might never be

tomorrow is such a long time

.............................

so much to say
so little mind

it seems sometimes that i am my own worse enemy
(i'm just saying)
i guess that is part of life
the struggle
that comes with growth
seeing one's failings
i feel weak
and yet i have been working without stopping
for 40 years now
straight
i have worn a lot of hats
learned numerous skill sets
33 of those years with the same company
again
wearing a lot of hats
i am fortunate
still
i want to be a better person
a better father
i want to work on my art
photography
graphic work
writing (let the words out)
but to accomplish
i need more focus
strength

got any extra? (i'm just asking)

june 27 2010

in recent weeks i have been busy
that is
with my camera

it all began with my idea for a shoot
portraits
ask three questions
to evoke facial expression
well
that is going well
but one thing i was not expecting
are the side projects
i feel my skill sets are developing
no where near where i would like to be
can be
and will be

yesterday
at davis junction lauren and i went to see, hear and shoot
the avatars

this is a gig with 4 acts
we go there before any started
the avatars were the last band to play
so i got to shot alot
the moment and the avatars both had great stage presence
that helps me
brings me into the moment
the emotion of the music
once in that rythm it seems like i have a better chance of catching
their emotion
i felt as though i succeeded with that yesterday

june 27 2010

actually this was written some time back
i felt i should capture it here

there are things that i do
behavior patterns
that i really dislike
such as
when a conversation goes on
some talks on a subject that i have some experience
however limited
or rather
removed timewise
that i seem to need to show my level of understanding
or
that i seem to feel the need to show my intimate understanding of

always proving myself
not necessarily showing someone up
but just proving self
it drives me nuts
well, maybe i am already there and am waiting for a cab

many times
the words/response is out before i catch myself
then they are followed by this internal ass kicking
i mean a mental kick in the ass
a "when will you ever learn" sort

.....hold on, i have to get that

june 19 2010

facebook
i have come to find that the few words i once scribble here
seem to have become fewer
because they end up smeared on the wall
on facebook
the thing is
i don't feel the connection there
this is me
facebook is just this place
like walking into a room
with a number of people
you know to varying degree
i am a voyeur
to i like to people watch
but that doesn't necessarilly mean i want to spend much time with them
because that conversation tends to be endlessly shallow
at least
not where my interests lay
so
aware of that
i am here
now
writing this

welcome back

june 6 2010

now is not the right time
then again

it never is the right time
something always in the way
some reason

work
financial (that's a big one over the last few years)
the normal fear
compatability
    intellectual
    spirtitual
    physical attraction
so on so forth
seems to be no such thing as friends
always more
balance
or a lack of
timing
usually poor timing leads that race

wramble on my friend....

may 24 2010

yours are the words
that i listen to
and from those words
come my own
yours are the ideas
that i hear
and understand
and from those ideas
i formulate my own
not mimic
but
are inspired by
the drive me
to be better
i am the ripple
i am not the splash
but
i come from the splash
the splash creates me
and sends me out
to influence the lake itself
or the pool
or the ocean
not the origin
but
from the origin
that is what your words do to me
when i listen

may 20 2010

me: mam, can the words come out and play?
her: no jim
me: why not?
her: because
me: because why?
her: because you mix them all up
and
you make them do things they are not made to do
me: oh
her: and until you can learn to play with them the right way
they cannot come out to play with you
me: oh, ok

so later that night i get them to sneak out the window
and we had a great time

she don't know no better

i mean
what are words for then
if not to make them do what you want them to do

---------------------------------

hey there little kitty cat
if you had wings
you'd be a bat
but no wings do you have
so you are just a kitty cat
i hope that doesnt make you sad
little kitty cat

may 19 2010

so i have this idea
draw or paint a sheep
give it a name
teabagger
cute name
ok
tea for short
cute little feller
he, she , it is a symbol
an idol
for this movement
for people who are tired
tired of thinking
tired of complexity
tired of making up their own minds
so the people in this movement
give their lives up to the fox
another symbol
another idol, of sorts
this creature gives them what they want
simplicity
black and white
or would that be
white and black (or at least that which is not white)
this creature gives them security
with a just a little fear added for good measure
fear of that
which is not them
so tea
the sheep
follows the fox
separate
or wishing it were
back in the simple time
back when life was better
when it was just them
when the sky was blue
and the breeze warm
and they did not have to think
but one thing they do not know
these sheep
is
that the fox was once in the henhouse
but we wont talk about that
so draw or paint that sheep
set it on the mantle
and look at it
long
hard
and wonder
what you really want

may 2 2010

i stumbled upon the piece below while i was cleaning out files on my little digital recorder

-----------------

infatuation can dress it self up
to look like love
it will dance around you

tease you

make you believe things
that are not
that you are not

mocking you
however lovingly

may 1 2010

it has been a long while
in mid 2007 i was in this certain place
a good place
a creative place
free of obstructions, for the most part

then something happened
a change

i let things change
i jumped into the change
i gave up what i had

thinking

i had something better
much better

but, after a time, that ended
for 9 mos after
i did hard time (inside)
even after that
there was residual from the change
i found it near to impossible to get back to that place
a certain self center
seemed lost

but i have to say
i believe my yoga classes
adding some discipline
trading off with other poor habits
has allowed me to find my way back
to a place where i am not escaping
but participating
i like where i am
so
the next time change presents itself
i may welcome that change
though
next time
i will not give up as much of what i had
of what i was
i hope

april 20 2010

take care little wing

so looking out
into the horizon
considering what i see
in my mind
i come to realize
i knew you
just to think
all of these years
off of this time
here i wondered
and yet
there you were
why didn't you say something?
should just told me
hope
well
i'll be....
you look taller in my dreams

then again
in the darkness
and the storm of doubt
in the sea of uncertainty
we all look a bit different

april 19 2010

my weakness is accentuated by the strength of my conviction

april 19 2010

and on and on
so did i tell you about my idea
i little vision
photograph a number of people
individually
a portrait session
white backdrop
chair or bench to sit on
as we begin
i will ask three questions
first
what do you enjoy doing with your time
second
what are you passionate about
third
tell us something most people don't know about you

as we talk
as they respond
i attempt to capture those moments
in portrait
as well
i have a spiral notebook
i capture some of the responses
details, name...so on so forth

i am planning on beginning either this friday afternoon after work
or on monday, after work

in my mind
i see images in black and white
captured expressions
maybe with text included

what do you think?

april 18 2010

i always wonder why
when there are people around
i go into this odd mode
of not knowing what to do
other than
perform or serve
i am comfortable when i am doing something
making something
cooking
cleaning
if i am doing that
i feel i am fitting in
except that
it is obvious to me
that i am separating myself
which is good (to understand)
except
it begs the question
should i continue
or
should i be doing something different

april 4 2010

circling the airport
waiting
modest mouse singing in my ears
dancing in my eyes
wondering
when will the wait end
what will be the next step
will it involve freecell
or
will that end
as a sign of change
what will be ushered in
i am excited
and at the same time
bored
it has been so long
walking forward
circling
round and round
seeing the same things
only time
and the weather
changing
one thing
i have learned patience
or
could that be
i have a given up hope

oh look
there goes another bird

april 3 2010

this is my first edit using seamonkey
after my last "crash" i have been using openoffice writer
well
when i type into the doc i see what i want to see
but
when i upload into my site
i see much greater line spacing
when i look at the code
i see writer puts a paragraph
where there should be a line break
so this last run i manually edited each line
today i did a search for free editors
komodo ranks the highest on about.com
but it is strickly code editing
i want wysiwyg as well
my stuff is simple
i want to see it as i build it

so here we go

march 11 2010
some times it seems like it never ends
i mean
it seems like i will never see relief
not total relief
once one person or another gets what they want from me
another comes along
if i am going to give
i want to give to my girls
my tribe
not some ex
not someone who never put into it financially what they expect
back out from it
so much for society saying it is ok to continue to take from me
then again
i am given much more
just not from those people
being human
i tend to still bitch
when i can be focused on the now
the present
be in the moment
be thankful for what i have
i am so fortunate
blessed
so i'll stop bitching now
and just experience
here
now

march 8 2010
i had this thought revelation?
i am alpha
i have been told that since i was a young person that i am a leader
the only issue i have with that is
early on that feeling of low self esteem and also a feeling of awkwardness in social settings
one which i related to the first feeling that of low self esteem

so, i recent years, the self worth has grown matured my work has put me in the middle of social settings where i have found
preparation and
a
mix of self expression have
been skill sets which have flattened that feeling
but
i still find when i am not in an "official" social setting
i don't feel a part of the fabric
actually
i specifically feel apart

different
so i think this is a maturing
of sorts
it is ok not to belong
i dont have to try to make it otherwise
does not mean i need to be separate
just
that it is ok

and where are those with whom i might feel akin to?
uh
oh
they must not live around here
and that is ok
read
watch
find self
understand
grow

february 26 2010

reasons/excuses

for not writing or posting here

work has been busy

i have been ill at ease this time of year

winter?

nothing in my life worth writing

i joined the health club

i am reading a couple books

the winter olympics

and on

and on

none make any real sense to me

the only one that does

is

lazy

and i have felt that way

in a sense

i call it lack or lost muse

no matter

im not posting as i probably could

when i do

you will be the first to know

february 4 2010

chipping away at the flint

trying

to catch that spark

still

it may take some more chipping

it may take another piece of flint

it may take some luck

no luck please

on my arm

i wear the pain

in my heart

i look for gain

where there is none

so i continue to search

i continue to chip

here i am

chipping away at the flint

looking

for that spark

december 30 2009

watching patti smith (pov:dream of life)

i could not help but think of pj harvey

two women not the same

but

similar

each

so deep

self defining

earlier today i was listening to a program on my favorite internet radio station

the djs spend some time at the end of the year talking about music over the last year

releases.events.concerts...etc

one thing they were talking about were disappointments the dj's had

disappointments regarding music certain musicians had put out in '09

well, one dj talked about his unhappiness with the recent works of pj harvey

including her recent collaborations with john parish

ok, i can appreciate that

but

he then went on to say that she NEEDS to go back to the music forms that he liked

her rock and roll works

that is where we parted

that is where i disagree

let me say this

i LOVE this radio station

i hear works from artists i never otherwise would

there is music

artists

sets that i just LOVE

that they play

also

there is music,

artists,

and sets that cause me to turn to another station

because

the music, or set is sooo repulisive to me

that is what i LOVE about that station

i don't want them to only feed me what i have come to love

i want them to expose me to new and different work

if i dont like, well, i can fucking change that day

there are plenty of people who are loving that putrid shit i don't care for

a larger pallet then i care for

that is wonderful

pj....and patti

keeping playing what comes from your heart

from your soul

if i like it, great

if not, great

don't let me, or some fucking dj define you

you define you

follow that which inspires you

as such

you inspire me

you inspire me to search for more of that which i call beauty

you inspire me

when so much of the time, i am not

thank you

december 24 2009

so goes the weather

as a reflection of my interior

grey
cloudy
drizzle
rain in december

not bad
not down
not sad

but grey
empty

the only glimpse of color
is
with my girls

my thoughts have been with someone recently

curious
but fearful
thoughts of her
turn to
thoughts of another
the one

are these thoughts a waste of time

i tend to think big picture
when i should just think
or be
in the moment

just have some fun

but my failing is
that i don't

in the short term
i think long term

which makes me, i think
short sighted

as well
my camera sits
i walk past it
i look at it
i pick it up
i point it
i click it
i look at what i have clicked
but
it is just motion
no connection
the image
the vision
should drive the action
not the reverse
at least
i don't think it should
when i look at what i have shot i think
oh well
look at that

just like these words
just words
no passion
no vision
just words

grey

a reflection of my interior

so goes the weather

for now

 

december 16 2009

as (ashes of time: redux) plays in the background

i have to ask
    did you feel that?
i know it was just
                      a dream
 but
it seemed more than just
                        a dream
the wet warmth of our mouths,
     together
one

that overwhelming of senses

were you there to?

          it seems you must
     have been

or
was it a shadow of
               the other night
the feeling as i held you
                as we held each other (separate, but not)

when you took my hand
i did try to hold back (emotionally)
             keep my distance

and i did to some extent

we parted without really saying anything
not even a good night, really

was it just me?
               or were you holding
              back as well

until later in my dream (our)

it began with that feeling of your body
  against mine
                      no
actually, i was next  to you
             looking at you
       you
            looking back
           smiling
that smile
          so inviting

then
your mouth
        inviting mine to join it
to become one
              share
           explore
             wet, warm
               breath escaping
            through our lips
as our tongues taste each other
             as they danced
                     that erotic feast
             so
                 were you there?

            my dream      ended
               no
              faded
              not long after it
began

      my last (fading) memory
was falling deep into
              you
                      into
                  the moment

was there where you left off?
                 or
was there more that i missed?

i know it was just a dream
    but you have to tell me

              did you feel it?
    were you there?

(ending with falling in - donkey boy)

december 16 2009

dear diary..i guess

one more day
and i am off for the rest of the year

so

friday it is avatar with ron and jeff

saturday it is an early christmas for the girls
have also invited some relatives over for some shredded chicken sandwiches n other goodies

then lazy time

maybe a madison trip with abby
some pics
something to eat

fun stuff, you know

maybe
just maybe

the muse spark
maybe?
 

11.24.09

someone once told me i answered questions
in written form
that my answers were poetic

that is the way i wrote
not a conscious effort on my part
painting the answer with emotional tones

it is just how my thoughts came out
just the natural cadence

when i answer verbally
for whatever reason

the wording is more clinical
technical
precise expressions
painting the realistic answer
photographic
like directions
don't want to mislead
and get you lost

on another thought
in another direction

met this guy in rockford
dave decastris

graphic designer who is also a big music fan
pretty cool guy
recently discovered that this guy is a musician
songwriter as well

check him out
http://donkeyboyusa.com/

as well
check out these guys
dave is interviewed here recently
http://sockmonkeysound.com/
some good stuff to be heard here

speaking of interesting
no, not you

some really good shit on youtube
i know, i know if you look

had this request to add
she is really fucking interesting

http://www.youtube.com/user/readymade777
damn talented
my kinda talent that is

ok

im done now

november 15 2009

maybe there is something in the air
change
doubt
not sure

twice in the last week
there have been discussions about relationships
concerns

different parts of the world

not sure how i fit in
besides my kids

i don't have personal relationships

good/bad/or otherwise

not sure if i can be of help
or offer the correct perspective

for me it is
do what i want
what is important?
find self
be a better person
keep on my path

not sure that those concepts fly in multi person situations beyond the personal level

and so it goes

november 13 2009

back on it

i think my tv is evil
i mean

no tv for years then this one

and next thing
i don't write

so that is my excuse

if not for the screen
and my netflix

i would be

last night
i thought i might give the thing to abby and jude
lo has a 32

instead
i think i will work on self control

now
i have been working ALOT
maybe if there were not tv
i still would not be productive
in the artistic sense

not sure

at least these words fell out

october 21 2009

once

i need some music to cleanse my soul

i need something passionate

to life me up
eyes closed
heart open

once

let me think

to let me feel

to become one

once

october 20 2009

he busted her man
yeah
he took her heart and threw it against the wall
just to see what it would do

nope
it didn't go splat

instead
to his amazement

it shattered
like glass

fuck
he thought
im glad i did that
else ida never known that was possible

in love

there are endless possibilities

october 17 2009

dear diary

yesterday was a long day

the trucks began untarping at 10 am
the riggers begain their work of unloading around noon
the last piece was set in place about 6:30 pm

i got home around 7:15

got some songs from willer after i got home
songs from the little bird cd (cory chisel/wandering sons at the fuse)
to compare with the new cd (rca)
death won't send a letter

i like the little bird one myself

willer was there for some of that
as he was also laying down tracks for his last cd
bad chords

some great memories at the fuse record studio

so i called and we talked some

then

text talked with lauren for awhile

she is a good kid
i am fortunate
i have 3 wonderful daughters
all made of the right stuff
all individuals

i had a couple killian reds last night
watched collatoral again
a very cool movie

i was in bed early though
14 hours works this old man

i was awake at 4:30 though and up just after 5
fed the cat
had some raison bran

back in bed by 6:30 (not much going on)

now off to grab a bite to eat and see if the bfai is open to have a gander at chris quillen's stuff
 

october 14 2009

sittin' here listening to the mavericks with carl perkins performing matchbox

sweet

a slow day

got my 2010 calendars today
i am only unhappy with one image choice

that is ok

i might get some of my gear from janet
the umbrella light and background

with the weather changing maybe i'll work on my portraits

like i said
today was a slow day

thought about the project a little

back to it tomorrow

considered my place/situation

some times it would be nice to have someone in my life

but i have found that to be too complicated

mostly me wanting out

and that one time

me falling too far
so when it did end
it took way too long to remove myself from the need of her

so that when i finally did

i prefer this

looking back

i was too deep
i believe
one should not lose themself in another
at least as i seem to have lost myself

well, that is me looking back
after i have closed that door
and
pounded a couple nails into it
and
tossing the hammer in the river
so even if i do get the urge to open the door
i cant

well then

back to work tomorrow
my other mistress
 

october 6 2009

jump one month ahead
and here we are

must not have had anything to say

that must be my excuse

but actually that is just an excuse
there are things to say
but

i have been too weak, tired, lazy to say them

work has been consumming


i did have a thought today
while at work

as each day passes
it becomes easier/harder

as each day passes
i become entrenched
in self
in my ways

less and less room
for another
for you
perhaps
who ever you are anyway

pissing in the ink black dark of my mind

my imagination has exceeded my reality
and i know it
so i have moved on
not expecting to be fooled anymore

fooled to think
to believe
that there might be

as each day passes
it becomes easier/harder

skate baby

september 8 2009

sneezing
blowing my nose
up at midnight
will be up at 4:30

some times i look at my photos
and don't recognize them
as my own
i lose the connection
the familiarity
that i had
you know
look at the image
and go back to some moment
emotion
memory

maybe it is the runny nose
or the allergy medicine
or the recent full(fool) moon

maybe i have a form of amnesia

maybe i will be ok when i wake again
sneezing
blowing my nose

august 31 2009

so what is it
about music

not all
just some though

that reaches right into me
the beauty is piercing

if i had any regrets
i would only have one

that is
i did not sing enough
i did not find my song
that song
that needed to be sung

sing
reach into your soul
and sing
i say

august 25 2009

first, to begin with
happy birthday ali
you are 11 now
growing up so fast

as with your sisters
i am so fortunate to watch you grow up
develop as a person

i wish you well baby

now
i watched a movie tonight
a documentary
when we were kings
it revolved around the ali-foreman fight
back in '74, in zaire
the move told of the spectacle that was the event
a fight that was taken to africa
because it was not allowed in the usa
ali had fallen out of grace with the government, the media and many white people
foreman was this dark, quiet, monolith
the unstoppable force
mowing down his victums
ali the "old" washed out veteran
the movie spoke of the event as musical festival
back to africa, so to speak
kings of the airwaves
black kings of the airwaves
along side of the
kings of the ring

how well filmed
capturing the times
capturing two captivating personalities
ali with his wit and personality that demands attention

foreman, the tall dark silent man
who, when he did speak, did so in philosophical terms
misunderstood each by most, it seems

the fight no one thought would end up the way that it did

a cultural event that should be seen by anyone interested in humanity as determined by the human psyche

 

remember, there is hope

august 21 2009

the tickets did not show up
the rave has a no camera rule and i have no pass

now what

besides

seems that in recent times

i feel like that work i am doing
is not me
is mediocre

oh, a couple here
and
a couple there

and add to it

when i look at things others are posting
it is a bit disheartening

so back to center
remember
it is about finding self
about my eye
getting out what i have to say

not worrying
or
being distracted

patience

august 16 2009

i couldn't seem to keep away

so let's see how this goes. gonna give her another go.

june 23 2009

i think
well
i feel sometimes

like i have squandered my life
this is not a new thought
a new feeling

just is ongoing
reoccurring
overwhelming

woven into the fabric of my self

sometimes i forget it
but like any other part of myself

i bump into something
and am reminded that it is there

thank god no one reads this

june 20 2009

the thoughts were there/here last night
but
as has been the case
i did not bother to capture them
listening to john trudell today

i am reminded of the ghost of those ideas
those thoughts

i have been in basic operational mode
self preservation
rope a dope
all my strength in defensive posture

i was going to sell the camera so abby can continue with school
but someone stepped in with an offer
i assist in shoots
and use my skills to sort and process images
for a period of time
in exchange they will give me money

i have agreed

but even that
is an act of another

i did not ask
she found out and came to me
at first i rejected
but relented

i have not shot an image in a couple weeks
no urge
i think it is part of the mindset i am in
focus on basic things
food, bills, the girls needs

i get back on this

june 6 2009

i was thinking about her last night

wondering
when i realized
i have painted over that canvas

white

blank

june 5 2009

i think

i think poetry
is reality
stripped of the truth
leaving only
the art behind

so those reading poetry
might be led to believe that the pain,
or love,
or lust,
or beautiful moment,
or whatever other
topic evoked by the poetic message
is something to be envied
even the sad and painful stories told
there is beauty in sadness
but alas

if you add the grey, hopeless, mundane reality back into that concoction

you end up with life
which can be less than poetic

i think

june 2 2009

i have nothing to say
so here it goes

all systems are on energy saving mode
systems of hope that is
 

my work takes up most of the creative side
at this time

when i am home
i cook
i clean
i listen to music
i watch movies
interesting movies
i pay my bills

i sometimes ride my bike
i sometimes do some photography

i don't write anymore
i do very little photo manipulation
an aspect of my artistic expression in the past

my financial situation
a culmination of 16 years of post divorce struggle
impacted by my actions
and the economy
press against my self worth
or feelings of
in the past
i would be physically depressed
some times my artistic side would respond

but now
it is not there

i took the guitar out of the living room today
i don't play it anymore

i don't record movies anymore
i don't make movies anymore

the ideas are not there

i try to be in the moment
but
i am wishing it were over
the struggle that is
it seems
years are passing
i am in waiting mode
but there is no time
or
rather
time is such that
i sometimes think

when this is done
i will be past the time
to enjoy
enjoy?
whatever

see
i have nothing to say

but
i will persevere...wish me luck

may 19 2009

i was thinking yesterday
and i have at other times

i sometimes wish i were back at my last place

it was secluded
no traffic going by
very few tennants leave by the rear entrances
the world seemed to be frozen
or
at least
moving by at a much slower pace

ok, so there were herb's squirrels all day
weekly cleaning of the shells
not that it was a real problem
as well
it was cool when the occassional squirrel would hang out on my screen
screeching
mistaking me for another herb
i guess we all look alike to a squirrel

then to
usually after he had a few
there was herb himself telling me how wonderful things are
and how he fucked his life and family up
because of his drinking
but how he loved god's creatures
he gained much joy from feeding those guys
they would come up and eat right out of his hands
i got a few good pics
they did also get up on the building
tearing shingles up from the roof trying to nest
because the population was large
due to herbs constant feeding

i didn't mind that place though
quiet
solitude was the ambiance
i did not miss the world because it did not show itself to me

where i am now
when i sit out
i watch the traffic go by
all those people
going here
driving there

more later.....maybe

i sometimes look for someone
not sure who
and i wonder
if they will stop

but they don't

i liked it in the back

may 18 2009

it has been awhile

the other night i hit the sack when thoughts overran me
as i was
considering a movie i had watched
they, the thoughts, came streaming out

i thought
damn you should get up and type this up
but no
there was a time i would NOT have missed the opportunity

but alas
no

so instead you get this
then again it is something
a start?
don't know
not sure

who knows

not sure i do

 

april 20 2009

i haven't written for some time so just bear with me or reach down and see if there is something you might find amusing


i use to think that my plate was larger
that i just never filled it properly

i was once told energy creates more energy (in a relative sense)

in the past
i would blame my lacking in the loss of my muse

so now
i think it is about capacity

in recent times
my creative side
it seems
is consumed before i get home
and
during the night hours as i prepare for the next day
it seems

of course
when i do get home
weary
i eat
do laundry
watch one of my movies
or
work on one of my side projects, for others

seems the plate is empty after that
or would that be a glass?

as well
there is no personal muse
inspiration
but that was not always a past requirement
it seems

maybe if i read some more bukowski

or
maybe not

(sorry about the mess, i'll clean up later)
 

march 31 2009

i am my mother's son

as i have grown older
i see her in the mirror
her family face
that face that, if not smiling, seems like a frown

im not mad, really

i dont look like i did 20 years ago
my face has developed
it has chosen sides
my mother's side won out

yay mom

mom died at the ripe old age of 57
her father died at 82, a serious smoker
her mother died at 99, just a couple months prior to her 100th
my mom
she smoked all of her life
she drank as well, though not alot
she was a cheap drunk
me
never really smoked
cept some hooch years and years ago
not my thing
i drank on and off
i either didnt drink anything
or
i would really party when i did party
never cost me a job
though it did cost me some tickets

after 2 years absitnence
i drink a couple here and there
took me some time to mellow
but
mellow i have

i miss my mom
i love my daughters
i wish my mom would have gotten to meet them
she new my two older, when they were very young
my youngest looks JUST like her when she was 4 or 5

and now
i have her face
i wave that flag proudly
 

february 17 2009

jump in
the water's fine

here/hear
read this

the song
hero Of war

the band
rise against


he said, son,
have you see the world?
Well, what would you say
If i said that you could?
Just carry this gun and youll even get paid.
i said, That sounds pretty good.

black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight

a hero of war
yeah thats what ill be
and when I come home
theyll be damn proud of me
ill carry this flag
to the grave if i must
because its flag that i love
and a flag that i trust

i kicked in the door
i yelled my commands
the children, they cried
but i got my man
We took him away
a bag over his face
from his family and his friends

they took off his clothes
they pissed in his hands
i told them to stop
but then i joined in
we beat him with guns
and batons not just once
but again and again

a hero of war
yeah thats what ill be
and when i come home
theyll be damn proud of me
ill carry this flag
to the grave if i must
because its flag that i love
and a flag that i trust

she walked through bullets and haze
i asked her to stop
i begged her to stay
but she pressed on
so i lifted my gun
and i fired away

the shells jumped through the smoke
and into the sand
that the blood now had soaked
she collapsed with a flag in her hand
a flag white as snow

a hero of war
is that what the see
just medals and scars
so damn proud of me
and I brought home that flag
now it gathers dust
but its a flag that i love
its the only flag i trust

he said, son, have you seen the world?
Well what would you say,
if i said that you could?

february 16 2009

ok, if there was anything to say
don't you think i would be saying it?

well
actually

that bucket is empty
dry still

so far

january 25 2009

there are these paths
they are not invisible
but there is one thing
we don't know which one is the one
the path down which we travel
takes us to the place
on the journey to self

i have watched a certain friend
a great talent
walk for awhile down two paths
each, for a time, near each
to deviate was not terribly difficult
my friend
talked about another person
a person he met during his trip down the one path
the path my friend has left
at first i heard little of this other person's choice of paths
did he also walk a number of paths? i do not know
though now
from what i have seen, now a couple years later
this other person seems to be walking mainly down one path
and my friend
firmly down another
both great talents

one made one choice
and the other, another, different one

me
well, i am not sure i really knew where i turned
and began walking down this path
i tend to believe
i am far from the path i seem to think i should be
but then again
maybe that is all fiction
maybe
just maybe
my path
my true path
lies right in front of me
and i just haven't opened my eyes
yep

january 22 2009

obama
or
the idea of his acheivement

or

the fact that he is now our president
represents hope
or
the idea that
we begin again

on another note

i stand here to say this one thing
to ask this one question

dear muse, please come home
i missy you
and i have some nice candy for you

december 14 2008

the stream seems to have dried up
but
the stream bed is still there
so
there is still hope
that we might again see water
and if there is enough
we might taste the water that flows down it

but

i think there will have to be a wait before
that happens

november 24 2008

ok, so here i am again
standing at the edge of the stream
all but dried up
looking down where the ideas should be flowing
but today there is nothing

i did dream the other night
long and vivid
i was with you (no, not you)
we were at some family function of yours
i felt like i was tagging along (which i am doing in most dreams)
not sure what to or say when i see your mom
or bob
hell
not sure what to say to you
because i missed the part of the dream prior to this experience

so there i am
you are talking with family
i am standing there thinking
what do i say
do i even want to be here
it is too hard to go back
too much was left unsaid, especially at your end

and mine, but not for trying

i mean
the last time you walked by me (real time)
you smirked and gave me that "huh!" sound
you know
made close mouthed
as though i should know something
or say something
when, in fact, i have no idea

oh, i am back to the stream
a moment of daydreaming
carried me away

i am in a place
a place that i need to be
though i may not completely understand

i want to create my art
i have ideas
but
not sure how to execute
not sure of self (standard)

the stream is dry
but i stand here
an attempt to influence with will
prayer is a request
contemplation
will is the attempt to execute
hope is an activity
realization
the horizon of the soul
too look out
too dream
of what might be

there
i see a trickle

one little buddhist step at a time

november 6 2008

let it be known

i am a robot
my little robot turn thing
well
it does not work properly
i turn to the right only
around
and around
and around i go
flailing my arms for effect
and exercise

i am a boat
the little flat piece
under the ass end (nautical terms)
has been broken now
for about 16 years or so
so i float around
seeing the sights
that nature has determined i need to see
some times they seem like reruns (nautical term)

so what i do do (not to be confused with dog shit)
is point my camera around
and around
and around

(next refrain...)

november 5 2008

a new day has begun

can you smell it?

there is hope in the air

breathe it in
deeply

october 30 2008

not much to say

i have had this phrase running through my mind lately
off and on

i found the love of my life
too bad she didn't feel the same

ok, happy halloween

october 22 2008

let's get one thing straight here

YOU WILL NOT
define who and who is not patriotic
you do NOT have the experience
NOR
the insight to do such a thing
ok
you can attempt, as we all have the right
but
to do such a thing is telling of your character
so you will NOT define me

many things have been done in the name of patriotism
some despicable
many honorable

to even play that game
to say what you will JUST TO WIN ADVANTAGE

how can mccain stand for it
after he felt the same campaign of smear pointed in his direction in 2000
how can he sit at the same table

so much for the high road

october 20 2008

how can i bust though this wall i have built


so i won this photo contest today
940 some pics entered

i am thrilled
but at the same time
as usual
to talk myself down

i tell myself
it was not really a photographer's contest
it was a corporate wide contest

so that makes my entry something less deserving

though

i have this idea
ok my most recent idea

there is a place in town
lil coop type food store and restaurant
great natural lighting

i told the owners that i would love to set up a spot
do portraits
they said ok

yeah, but now i would have to figure it out
figure what out you ask
well
how i can get past my shy side and fucking do it
i like the idea

or at my place
i have this wall

north facing
great lighting

maybe i should put an add in a paper
come to my place
sit in this chair
let me shoot your pic

i dont know

oh, i won 500 bucks
 

october 15 2008

i have felt it the last couple days

yep, the song inside
it has been sometime
i want it all the time

that song
deep inside me
it connects me
it empowers me

deep in my soul

when it reverberates inside
touching me
touching my soul
(maybe it is coming FROM my soul)


if so
let it out
let it run through me

october 13 2008

i am ready
ready and waiting
for the inspiration
that injection of beauty
words
touching my soul
filling me with joy

i am
i am ready for that

inspiration which gives purpose

i am ready
yes, and waiting

it fills me with a sadness
a beautiful feeling
deep
blue
the voice of an angel inside me

singing to me
our connection
is in the depth of a soul

i wait for the refrain

for her voice to bring me to tears
her words to disarm me

together

inspiring me
purpose found
strength renewed

the words of patty griffin ring true

"some days i look down
afraid i will fall
and though the sun shines
i see nothing at all
then i hear your sweet voice, oh
oh, come and then go, come and then go
telling me softly
you love me so"

the tear rolls free

october 8 2008 again

inspire me

maybe tomorrow i will find my way

october 8 2008

not much really

obama disappointed me last night (2nd debate). finger pointing politics, as usual. i am ready for a change. i thought he was offering something different. somebody must be dressing him differently in recent times. maybe the same guys who dress all the other politicians.

i am glad to see that the economy of the nation and the world is on the same track as my own personal situation. 16 years of a difficult road finally caught up this last july. the change in direction, for me, is a good one. i am poor but happy. well, at least on the path of self again.

i still think of her, or the idea of her, daily. been almost a year since we first went out. that is a unique thing in my life.

i like the kings of leon. i really find devotchka's music can be haunting to my musical soul.

september 26 2008

if we hire mccain
we deserve everything we get

wo is us

september 24 2008 (again)

sometimes i wonder
do others have the same feeling of self doubt
and insufficiency

at the same time completing the tasks which i am able to

though that is my vocation
seems
that i have failed my self
as it pertains to self
my creative growth has been with my work
not personal
and their really is a sense of growth
my confidence is palpable, in that situation

the fruit is only that
not financial

the thing that really strikes close to my heart

is

i only have my self to offer
nothing, really, materialistic
hell
i wont even let my lawyer change that with my divorce

the path i have taken
is a higher one
it's results leave me with less
in a world where more is better
more is success

i am not worthy
outside of work
(in my own mind)

fuck
i can't even write anything worth a shit
my photos are mediocre at best
ok
maybe a couple decent ones
though
only a small few look at them

there is that self doubt biting my heals again

such is my burden
so similar to the subject in hunger
though, i am not physically starving
i am starved
since sandy, it is so obvious
it may take years to get back to that place
of bliss
distanced from my own ignorance
convinced by my own stories

september 24 2008

not a day passes....

ok, here is a story for you


there is this guy karl blacksoul

he tells his friend one day

you know, that fucking mccain has been nothing but a pain in the ass

and it really looks like that obama is going to get it anyway

so i was thinking

i have this friend who is willing to play along and make a buck or two

karl's friends looks oddly at him and asks

what the hell are you talking about karl?

this is what i am talking about, karl answered

this country is racked with debt anyway

we really haven't made a killing since enron

we get a couple of my friends to walk down the same path as bear stearns

except these are big players
they say the hit will be HUGE and they ask the government to step in and help out

but once the government sees the books they'll see everything is cooked and catch them in their bullshit

wait, just listen, says old blacksoul

first
i got a couple guys on the inside willing to make something on this and are with me as far as mccain and obama is concerned

ok
so these guys go to congress and plead their case

congress says bullshit

so now a couple more players come in to play in the next few days
same story
oh, and this is great, they say the system is so complicated, and for legal reasons, they can't tell congress just exactly what the bad paper is

ok you got me going now, karl's buddy chimes

now my guys on the inside step in

agree with the players, yep, the problem is way too big NOT to give them money

why, congress asks. well it is so big we can't even tell you how bad except that everybody will suffer. people jumping off buildings, loss of life and no more cable or internet, just for starts

oh shit, congress says, but how do we sell this

ok, good, our inside guys say. hold some public hearings, sound
REALLY pissed that we are asking to pay these guys off, give us a hard time and drag it all over a couple days or maybe a week or two.

ok, congress says, we can work on our oratory skills in public

yeah yeah our guys say, you got it.

karl stops smiling

what? his buddy says.

well, these guys are all buying this scam. our players think they are just making a buck. congress get sucked into the politics super hero side. our inside guys get some retirement stash and no one knows the REAL scam.

and that is? the friend asks with head tilted

that no matter who is the next president, that smart ass obama or that dumbass mccain, they are FUCKED form as long as they could EVER hope to be president. talk about death a destruction! that'll teach those fuckers from fucking with karl blackheart. you woulda thought mccain would have learned SOMETHING from the keating five.

damn, karl's friend says looking adoringly at him, you really are a god.

not really, i just like to have fun in a big way.

come on let's run over and get us a bourbon.

yeah.

september 19 2009

first, catch up
thursday morning i was brought into a meeting
big project
short notice
12/31 end date
whew
at least my portion MUST be completed by that date
thank god i took today as vacation
cuz the rest is gone now
exciting
never done anything like this before
magnitude
scope
time frame
im thinkin' were gonna have some fun

since i moved into this place
i now have cable (basic)
cuz of my internet (10 bucks more for the basic)

i am watching pbs again
quality information

i watched POV tonight, first time
calavera highway
you should all do the same
or go to the website
you can stream it
outstanding documentary

makes one look inside

things are looking up
the only thing about looking up
besides a sore neck
is the risk of some bird taking a shit on your face

besides that
and the sore neck

things are looking up

oh, did i tell you that lauren and i did lunch today
she wanted to go to panera bread
yummy

tomorrow morning
take the bike, with camera, down to the farmer's market
hmmmmm
brat or taco for late breakfast?

then drag the 40 out later to the cruise night burnout pit i think

fun fun fun till her daddy took the t-bird awayyyyyyyyy........

september 17 2008

pondering my existence
pandering my thoughts

why
i ask
why

tonight
on one subject
i am sure

now
let me explain something

sure, i am not
for the most part

i question everything as it relates to me
actually
i doubt everything, as it relates to me
doubt was sown into the fabric of my being
at a young age
it is part of me
it has become me
i find it difficult even
to image
removing that aspect of self

so
when i say i am sure
it is note worthy

so today
tonight, actually
i had the thought
to say to my superior
tomorrow possibly

if you want success
if you really want dramatic success
then
you need to let me go
assemble my team
draw my plan
and step aside
minimize my constraints
as they relate to your structure
just keep your gaze upon my activities
because
i will succeed

so
when i say this
you can believe it
most do not doubt my intellect
as a matter of fact
many give me too much credit
expect too much of me
which adds, personally, to my own self doubt
as i tend to believe
most are too easily swayed

so off i go
to bed
to ponder
and maybe tomorrow
to pander

wish me luck baby
 

september 15 2008

happy birthday lauren (21) whew. now you can drink (legally)

on another subject

there is not growth without pain

so, in the absence of pain and joy

in the midst of banal existence

what lies ahead?

september 9 2008

funny how an email spam ended up renewing communications

now
sarah and i are talking art, life and religion

and
jay and i politics (although this IS that time of the year)

and
joane tells me about her trip to hong kong to see her son who moved there after the first of the year

finally
ellen answered some questions i had regarding her art
inspiration
connection
form
choice
so on so forth

ok
prior to the spam i had sent ellen the email with the 4 questions
but
timing keeps it relevant

            

with out the spam
i have been without muse
though
i blame that mostly on my allergies and allergy meds

pollen has kept me off my bike, at least out of the country on my bike
i had an episode where i was heading out west of town
i stopped and ran into a field for some pics
i was in a pollen nest, of sorts
i got out of the field and continued west
another mile or so
damn, it was NOT getting any better
seemed like it was getting worse
sneezing constantly
could hardly see
throat itched, inside and out

i took another pill, yep i carried some with

still
i turned around
i had 5 miles back country roads
and a couple non country

so i get home and go into the bathroom
my eyes were close to completely swollen shut
and my eyes, the whites, were blood red
oops
i jumped into the shower
had a bite to eat

layed down on the couch
3.5 hours later....fuck
i was not feeling good the rest of the day
i can't remember that happening before

so anyway
yeah
not feeling inspired in general

i blame life
i blame self
and
i blame those damn allergies

i think i will be looking me entire life
for my place
what a trip
with out going anywhere

really

 

august 29 2008

i wrote this on friday

it fell off
i wonder
to get a glimpse
:read: hunger;knut hamsun
:watch: the hurricane

saw the hurricane
the mindset of carter had
to separate himself from
by being/living opposite
stay in the cell
reverse hours
read
meditate
isolate
i am akin to that
the survival plan

some times
i feel like i am in the wrong place
i cannot escape from
so
i escape within
i turn inward
i conform not to draw attention

the difference in hurricane's story and mine
is
in mine there is no social salvation

stranger in a strange land
'cept
unlike valentine
mine is not obvious
'cept to me
i have been fooled
but not for long
use to think i was shy
but
it is not shy as much
as it is understanding of difference
not understanding why
just understanding
i feel true self at times
strength wells up
but it passes
i do not know
so i am
that one thread
difference
has been the one common thread
throughout my life
on my bikes (moto)
i felt something familiar
of self
freedom
that's it

i am the lion who
who has not roared in a very long time
in the zoo
time and space have left me wounded
(what do i mean by that?)
time and space, in my opinion
play a large part in "luck"

in a free will/random universe it points less
of intent than in
a moment and a place
think about it
if you are able
if not, i understand

my mistakes have been many
my accomplishments have been few

i can be eloquent
and yet
i am
tongue tied
around
my daughters
my love (at first and again later)
if i feel secure
i can speak openly
but like that shy creature
i can pull back
and
close

fuck
to think, for a second
she might exist
dumbass
i am such a fool
it eats at me, at times
such as this time, this moment

i saw a hummingbird today
hovering at the evergreen tree
in front of my place
for just a moment
almost...it seemed
until it caught my attention
i stared
it stared back
hover
then
gone
across the lot
up over a tree
gone
leaving me to wonder
and i did
as i was writing this all down

later

some sparrows flew in and around that same evergreen
one
made a wide pattern
a much wider circle
and flew right into my patio door window
hit the deck
stumbled
she/he jumped up
fluttered it's wings
shook off it's mistake
all the while
looking at me, looking at it
a couple seconds pass
and off it went
...phewwwww..............
gone

the other night abby
came out and asked me to turn the music down
*nin live dvd playing
which i did
the next day
i joked about that fact. abby it was probably due to my being "old" and harder of hearing.
but
i have always played my music too loud, when i could and when it struck me...when the mood struck

i thought that i probably drown myself in sound. in music.
but drown is not the right term.
drown implied something which is overwhelming
something one resists
not the case with music
me and music
music and me
i wrap music around myself. i do this willingly
at some point
at some volume level
we merge
this is not with all music, mind you
this is not with all moods
but when it does happen
when the music and my soul merge/unite
when i feel my self well up from within
i am in this place
a different place
a different level of self
full of music
nirvana, the same
sine wave
or
some sinve wave in concert with an aspect of the universe

stop here.....

 

august 26 2008

i had a dream
interesting things, dreams
i liken them to a part of reality
which occasionally escapes
slides out from the sub consciousness
painting pictures where ever it goes

this dream was like that
one of much beauty
with a pallet of many wonderful colors
colors bathing my subconscious self in light

then again
if i think about it
if you think about a hernia
that also is something which escapes

ah
a better analogy
as i took this dream
this herniated part of self
and stuffed it back in
and sowed that weakness back up

yeah, a little tender but better in the long term

------------------------------------------------

some negative reflections communicated in poetic form

i run through the forest spreading the flame of rage where ever i go
catching the leaves and dried wood ablaze in my wake
the leaves and kindling
feeling my own flame of desire
needing to share
they run to the trees and small bushes
holding their hands
spinning around them
dancing gaily
their flames of joy rushing up the sides
engulfing, before long, the entire forest
oh look at it
so beautiful
so hot
dancing, leaping so high
reaching up to the heavens
calling out
come here and play with us
dance our dance of love
oh
what a wonderful thing i have done

i know
call me desire
call me mankind
 

august 25 2008

i have a dream
sort of
i wish/hope that someday my work would come to be appreciated
i do not wish/hope for fame per se
just that it is appreciated

but things being as they are
life being as it is
timing is important

i worry that i have waited too long to act
that i do not possess or am not possessed with the fire
the drive
the ethic
to push forward
i worry that i have succumbed to life
that it has worn me down
that my fire burns too low

when i was younger
i had the fire
but no direction

timing is important, i think, in life

some times
i remind myself that some did not begin their work until much later in life

but life has it's influences
timing is important
i should not worry about that
but i sometimes do
i don't push as i did when i was younger
though
now i have some direction

i have a dream
sort of

august 19 2008

be in the moment
and fear nothing

funny thing

i am 54 this year, born in 54

i thought, leading up to this year
that it was going to be a special year

it is
but not quite like i thought i might

i have spent 6 plus months kind of trying to get back to normal
after i fell totally in love
head over heels
nope, not suppose to happen
the one and only
and yet not

then
mounting long term cost of the divorce (years and years)

and
the job change was a plus
a learning experience
an opportunity for personal growth

the down turn in the economy lead to the decision to attack my debt
(from my first marriage, the real financial killer 16 years ago)

not exactly what i thought
i was not able to help abby recently when she asked for financial help
with school

but
my total sum experiences
have left me stronger

physically
mentally
emotionallly (not a day passes with out sandy in my thoughts though)
intellectually (though not enough stimulating interaction)
i am working on my organizational and communicative skills
(even though i think i am better than most there already)

so, nope, not exactly what i thought it might be
though
it might be what i asked for

i am better for it

in the end
i only really have myself to offer

the moment
my self
my being
the journey that is my life

august 18 2008

i was going to write something interesting or witty today
but when i checked in the cupboard i saw it was empty
so instead, go watch the olympics
or something

try back tomorrow and i'll see what i have for you then

august 16 2008

in search of self
looking deep
reaching with eyes closed
in the darkness
fingers stretched out
the fingers of my mind
i see you
black as night
black as coal
but
i see you
with eyes closed
i turn my head down
and close my mind
to return to the darkness
of life

august 10 2008

breakfast this morning.
two slices of french toast, 3 slices of bacon, large glass or milk.
butter the toast liberally and add maple syrup.
eat while listening to joe strummer's london calling shows.

think about what life might be considering your obstacles or how
you might bridge your present reality to your proposed reality.
not sure if that is a good buddhist thing or not. i think it is
ok to look down the road while being in the place that you are.

i have felt recently that i have been nudged in a different direction.
be careful what you pray for. i think the nudge is in response to my
requests. interesting, watching the mechanics.

tomorrow back to work. things to consider.

august 9 2008

met abby at pstreet. i had homemade apple pie with that
crusty top, whipped cream and milk. abby went next door to
quiznos and got a sandwich. it was nice.


dinner was a jacks pizza cooked in the toaster oven.
here is the secret to a great jacks pizza (original crust).
onion powder, garlic pepper powder, sprinkled cheddar cheese,
slivers of butter or spread, top with parmesan cheese.
warm the oven for 4 minutes on toaster setting, then place
pizza in a turn down to 450. cook for about 8 minutes or
until toppings are turning your fav color. add a miller chill
and enjoy.

july 29 2006

a photo essay

july 29 2008

maybe it is just me
i dont know
but i dont think so
if you are a lover of music
off pop
alternative
but yet
traditional sounding

you really need to listen to mark willer
check cdbaby out

really

he has produced two cds
dirt filled glass
and
bad chords

eerie melodies
raw
finely produced paintings of sounds that mark heard
and that you need to

speaking of two


i love you
a love that reaches into places
i have not been in so long
i forgot they were there
a love that comes close to breaking into need
and stealing parts of me
that do not belong to love

love sweeping into those dark forgotten corners
stirring up a damn mess
almost making me not see you
just the mess
love covering itself in that mess
of life


a love so painful
that i have to walk across the street before i can experience you with out feeling your sting
and even then
i am not sure that the pain is love
or just that love has dredged up the pain
and i mistake one for the other
when it is nothing more than something i have carried around in my nap sack for some time
buried so deep i forgot it was there


so the bad thing about love
is that it makes such a mess where there was peace
calm
tranquility
peace does not equal love
love does not equal peace
you decide
and get back to me

 

july 28 2008

words from under the plank (7 days pass)

first
i was consumed by work
hours in the day
the demand, which is invigorating
also drained the cells
if i am completely immersed in something
i become that
thing
it feeds upon itself
but it seems
there is no great loss
of force
just focus

then
second
for a financial need
the brakes are hit

not good timing (with the divorce and all)
but when is there ever
40% goes away
not enough coming in to match the out going
but
for some reason
karma?
i am filled with a certain peace
formulate a plan
long term in nature
do a bit of research
make a choice (a pretty good one)
commit
(containment)
then
on the other front
decide on the other part of the plan

growth?

if there is any measure

the bikes are becoming easier and easier to ride hard

breath in

deep

yes

no more aching

the burn during a ride is wonderful

so, how was your day?

good
you know you can reach me for comment here:

rocketjim54@yahoo.com

no, i didnt think so but there it is anyway

post script
not a day passes where she is not in my thoughts

i still want to call her
or
write her
to tell her how i feel

but

like the addict
i know i need to change my habit
so i am vigilent

or a dumb mother fucker

july 15 2008

empty
like my head
empty
like my heart
empty
like my drive
empty
just
empty
just a word

        wait, wait there is more...

the words spill out

like a bag of garbage tossed out of a window of a moving vehicle

shit all over the road

making an unsightly mess

to the distain of all passing by

that is my legacy

                wait, wait there is more...

somewhere

i discovered
an epiphany actually

that i lost
before i started

sometime

(haiku?)
 

                            wait, wait there is more...

i speak just enough of your language to sound silly
stumble around like a kid with some speech impediment
or
some old man after a stroke
the words come out
but
they do not say what was intended
like some person with tourette

"i didn't mean to say that"

but no explanation comes out

just more fucked up words

while you just stand there

looking at me
with that look
that i am use to seeing

you do not understand my poetry
as it was intended

or is it

that i am the kid with the speech impediment
or the old man with a stroke
or that person with tourette

and the joke is on me

maybe

it is just that my reality
is playing a kind, but cruel, joke on me
to soften the blow

ok, i am done for now
 

july 13 2008

i dreamt last night
that there were people over

a problem i normally do not have
does it have something to do with my charming personality
or
my ability to entertain people with my wit


anyway

i can't tell you who these people were
but
some of them have instruments
guitars
acoustic as i remember

ok
the thing that sticks in my mind
is my electric guitar
my esp ec50
which sits in the middle of the room
to me
was like this certain thing
to avoid talking about
though the connection to me was obvious
it was MY place

i did not refer to it
nor did anyone ask about it

it seems
so as not to embarrass me
or
my embarrassment was to obvious
those people just avoided the subject all together

then

the dream left that context

so now
the question is

what is the significance of this dream

i am sure i will forget after a period of time
isn't time wonderful
like the ocean
it washes all signs of history away
along the shore
time
like the ocean
seems to say
hey that is mine
i'll tell you what is and what is not

-------------------------------


sometimes my meanings have few words

sometimes my words have little meaning

july 12 2008

i had a dream the night before last
ok
i was dreaming
the dream was jumping around
like my dreams do
but
i remember this one moment
she was sitting on the ground
in front of me
and she said something
like
i miss having you

it was SO real
almost like i had received a message
but when i woke
oh yes, it was brilliant in my mind
when i realized it was just a dream
that messages are not received
that this message was nothing more than my desire speaking to me
in a moment of weakness
it drove a stake in my heart

when will this end

my heart is utterly broken
it has impacted me so dramatically

i mean, damn
it has been MONTHS

my heart battles with my mind
my mind wishes that i would go back to before that first date
when i looked
when i wondered
but
nothing more

my heart is not allowed to speak this outloud
but
it wants
what we had
what i had
what it had

the space that is left is huge

my heart plays this guerilla game
sneeking thoughts in here and there

my mind cries out for release
from the pain
please
let me go back to that place
before
it was a good place
no great highs
or great lows
i was creative
at times inspired

i thought i was at peace
it is hard to know now
because of that damn heart

and so

the battle continues

july 7 2008

i am in this place
and my struggle
is to be
in the moment
not in some other place
in my mind
but
it is part of an introspection
part of which presents itself as
or dresses my emotions up as

self doubt
frustration
anger
listlessness
sadness
or some combination of the previous
with some smaller components

i find my self talking
work speak

using terms on i have gained from my work

not a bad thing
unless
you question the terms
as i have been

so something which happened some months ago
and still is in my daily thoughts
and ended a few months after it began
(does it end when i still think/feel daily)

it all involves growth
there is always some gain with loss

the weak side of me still wishes i were back just prior to that moment

but there i go again
wishing to be somewhere
i am not
it can be hard to BE
here and now

look ahead
down the path
walk
move
always forward
never straight (right lynn?)
always the antagonist
always the rebel
kelly use to say i always had to move to extremes
never happy enough

in my deepest self
ingrained from early days
is the feeling of inadequacy
insufficient
profoundly felt
(you will never know just how profoundly felt, really)

more later....

june 26 2008

i began by writing some real shit
so i stopped
and wrote this

much better huh?

yeah, i thought so to

hey, look what i wrote
"floating along like a turd in the sea of love"

my inspiration is endless
it is only my heart that is dried up

june 23 2008

blue answered a letter i had written recently decrying my heart break situation

"...... well artists overanalyze - that's what they do, that's what they gotta do....... not like shrinks and philosophers, but like poor wounded souls with thin skin and wide eyes and maybe not enough boundaries ..."

she is right, as i know she would be

she is my other half
my soulwhore
and her recent addition
my soulfucker

tough as nails with pierced souls
painting "sigils around them in their own blood"
yes
she does know me
and i her
as we are one

she sang me a song

"everybody's looking for meaning
everyone's trying to get by
some people live like they're dreaming
some people focus and fly
and me i just sit in the back row
watching the world passing by"

the sun continues to shine
the moon continues pulling my heart
this way
and that

and all this with liz phair singing "white chocolate space egg" in the background

more meaning?

"...i'll seee you...."

june 15 2008

when i first set this page up
i meant it as a log
a place to put thoughts
any kind
i thought laying down thoughts/words
daily
would keep the pump primed
so to speak

well

i have fits and starts
and lately

fits is winning

no inspiration
then i reminded my self
don't worry

just type

ok
work consumes alot of my energy lately

the divorce is moving slowly

none of the girls were here this weekend

ali had her cousin up
abby is up north
lauren is mending

text messaging is great

i am progressing slowly with my bike building project
i have
pegs
single speed convertor
grips
seat
seat post
disc brake set
i ordered tires, wheels and tubes

after a closer look
i discovered my old brake mounts are welded, not brazed
so i think i am going to leave them on

i took a few pics this weekend

flood pics here and there

the sky was great saturday afternoon when a front came in

i rode a fair amount today
weather was damn nice

a good weekend considering the girls were not here

i even cleaned the desk up

off to bed kids
night night (oh yeah, i think of her every day)

june 2 2008

(letter from self living in south africa)

how are you??  i am ok, sorta bittersweetly today, because i met someone i saw possibilities in, but today i don't see 'em anymore, so i'm having a little self-indulgent quiet mourning for it.  gotta have the neurotic misery factor present eh :)

otherwise ... been doing the usual stuff i usually do

just wondered how you were doin

me
(just how am i doing, i wonder)
(wait, with this me, there are no possibilities)

-------------------------------------------

the words speak for themselves
because i really dont have anything to say
and if i did
i really wouldnt say that
or
at least not that way
so there is only one reason
the words speak for themselves

so dont look at me

may 23 2008

sometimes i think
i would like some of that potion
i think
i might drink it
just to have it not hurt anymore
but

thinking as i do
that i am insufficient

that might just prove it so

and i dont think i would care to do that

fuck that

thinking my weakness
does not make it so

there in lies my strength
in my weakness
knowing
 

mayday 2008

touch me on that soft underbelly
that is my brain
run the torn edge of your nail across my eye
lovingly
and with vigor

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

reaching into my soul
some words take advantage of me
lending me weak
too weak to resist

their beauty overwhelms me
in concert with a voice

the first time
that i can remember
it was dylan

tomorrow's such a long time

softly sung
almost a whisper

i could feel her heart beat
i felt her love
but i never saw her face

then two songs
sets words
which i normally do not remember
i am not the singer of songs
the words never remain with me

but
after the gold rush
and
rocketman

cousins i think

alienation
separation
me
stranger in a strange land
but not valentine michael smith

then the void
it seems
the void may be my present memory

angel struck a deep and dark chord in my soul
sarah's voice takes me to a place, with those words
that may not be the best place for me to linger
it is sometimes hard to leave that place
when i listen
if in a dark sad mood
she needs to be left alone
the angel can smother me
willingly

there are others

but in recent times
patty
trapeze
and
don't ever give up

they carry me

the deepest beauty in my life
the richest felt
are sad

so beautiful
that i cannot explain
it is complete
i even stop as i type this

i am reminded
of my place in this universe

alone
singular

not me as a social being
but my essence
my soul
central to self

one

looking up
with out blue
i write like a white vinyl suburban american normal lackluster thoughtless tv watching moron
not a thought to put together
i am the mirror of my life
the sad reflection of mediocrity

smile for the camera

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my ideas spring from the fertile soil of those around me
and
of those before me
thinking back
the library said
hey...this interests you?
then read this author
wandering the aisles generates
additional interest
at times the vein narrowed
when i read vonnegut
he told me that he read catch 22
one of the best books every written, i believe
so i read it
well, it took at couple times before that seed rooted
one heller took me to another
when i read a novel
i then want to understand the author
so i spent time with him
something took me to michener
and
salinger
and
greene
and
irving...boy did i walk down that path
and so on and so forth
when my eye sight dropped to the glasses need, so did my interest in reading
the ideas are fewer
and far in between
i fell into bukowski a couple years back
and now he has pointed me to huxley
and
hamsun
with a side of
ohno (and so many others)
what does this mean?
i am the result of my experiences
mixed with some genes
toss in some bad weather
and a couple eggs
and snippet of original thought
and put it in a jar in cupboard for 30 years
and
voi-la'
instant......something
wish me luck
 

april 30 2008

how many times do i need to say no
i mean, jesus, no
no means no
right?
ok?
OK?!
alrighty then
 

i gotta keep workin on this one

april 29 2008

years back
i wrote many things
the most beautiful
the most profound
were dark
not evil deed dark
but rather
from the perspective of a dark one
i once thought about the angel of death
a creature of god
born or created for this reality
for a specific purpose
not a choice
what thoughts were in that creature's mind
of death or mayhem
no
that was no more in this creature's mind
than many people after they have left their work
no
thoughts turn to other things
hope
dreams of something different
better
the only thing
this creature is removed from the rest
in a place of darkness
shadow
doomed to wait
for that godly call
to do the bidding of his lord
and yet
we judge the creature
for only being what he was created to be
intended for doing god's purpose
god's bidding

today
my thoughts are not profound
i would know profound when i saw it
i had a college professor tell me i thought profound thoughts
so i would know

these have not been profound thoughts
i may have sold my soul for less

or
i just may be tired
there is change in my life
some may think good things
success, in a manner

i wonder
but then again
i have always questioned
everything
i check for the balance

could be the devotchka - how it ends
deep dark beauty
i would know that
 

april 28 2008

one thing i learned when i was young
one thing my father taught me well was
no
you can't
it took me a long time (way too fucking long) to overcome that lesson
in recent times i seem to have turned that around
specifically in my working life
i have worked on my will to power (nietzsche)
marry that with being in the moment (buddhism)
and i have found growth
remember being in the moment is just that
not being anywhere else
so lately
i seem to be fighting off the idea
the hope
and what do you think i finally use to end that
to put that fire out
yep
no
you can't
you are not meant for that
poof
hope is gone
thank you dad
funny thing
i was able to be selective
not interfere with my other growth
my self growth
key here....individual
key here singular

april 27 2008 (again!)

i dont need you
i know that
i am a survivor
been around for some time
i understand myself there

but worse
i want you

what we had

spending time
shopping
walking the dog
cooking
making you breakfast
baths
waking next to you
you leaning back into me

need
nah
i really dont need anyone
it's not about need
but want
now that can be a bitch to get rid of

april 27 2008

this is were i wear my heart on my virtual sleeve

-----------------------------------

work is my bride

i lust for another
life
i want to cheat on my bride
but i am no good with life

only my bride knows me

i sometimes hate her

but she knows me
how to handle me
what i am made of
with her
i am not awkward

i do
i hate her

i lust for another

as well
i am pissed
for thinking that you might really understand
no no
not at you
at myself
you think i would have learned by now
that no one really does
understand me, that is
----------------------------------

the more i think about it
you are absolutely right
it wouldn't work
i am too different
i don't fit in

more and more
as an individual
chances are slim for change

i will remain that
an individual
so get use to it
move on
 

april 26 2008

have the others reacted the same way as i have
questioning if any other love was a deep
and
as complete
as i have
do they feel compelled
daily
to call you
just to hear your voice
maybe that laugh of yours
the way you answer the phone with that "hulloooow"
do they melt when they see the sparkle in your eyes
are they pulled toward you
like the moth to the light
like filings to a magnet
held captive
like the moon to the earth
unable to pull away
no freedom

do they wonder why
you will not answer their calls
as i do
shyness
or
repulsion
as when the time is passed
the experience over
at your end
time to move on

i will never get over you
in the sense
that i will remember how unique my reaction was
so strong
a wonderful memory
with that little pain
that tug at a heart spoiled by you
the touch

i have to stop

or i fall deeper into you
or
the memory of us


april 22 2008

picture this
so there i am
lying in a tub full of hot water
enjoying the bath salts (thanks sandy)
head back
under water
except for my face
eyes up
looking at my rectangular light yellow ceiling
following the rounded corners where the tub surround ends
and then beyond
the tight corners of the actual ceiling itself
amusement parks on fire and bonnie prince billy playing in the other room
when i remember
riding home today
i came across another guy on a bike
riding toward me
as we get closer i see he is older
75 plus, i would guess
riding a retro bike
except
it was retro before there was retro
and he has a light button down summer checkered shirt
and a ball cap on with some farmer emblem across the front
turned just a little
the bill worn at the edge
as we pass he smiles
not a tooth do i see
he doesn't look at me long
i think i does not want to loose his balance
after we pass i realize something
i see myself in his face
i am close enough to where he is
in age
it seems
that i recognize what might be my future
it was not that many years back that an older person was foreign
a different aspect of humanity
of which i was far removed
i remember reading somewhere
where bukowski said something about one day realizing he was old
there was no threshold
just a realization
i have had that in the last couple years
with that thought followed another
i am ready
to go
to check out

ok
wait
before you go calling 911

it is just a thought
a concept
not necessarily one which needs to be acted upon
but it works with well with my own feelings
those i have had for years
those which have driven me to attempt to change
to better self
the feelings of not living up
yes, to the expectations of my father (normal)
nor to those of self
i have been my own worst critic
nothing i do is sufficient
that feeling
insufficiency
is woven into my core of my self

i live with it
maybe the sand in the oyster
always irritating

but now
with time

and maybe my recent breakup (timing?)
it comes to the forefront

and seeing that guy
wow

i mean
clear as day
i do not want to be there
and yet
i saw myself
there

still
i look back up
i really like my ceiling
i should really try to shoot what i see
capture that perspective
light
shadow
color
form
composition

maybe i'll let the tub dry first
if i think about it
maybe tomorrow

 

april 20 2008

i havent had anything to say
lately
introspection
as is usual
pushing hope down
out
hope tends to mislead me
i wait for something that is improbable
as well
as i push hope out
it sort of predestines, doesn't it
also
work has my creative mind
a growth spurt, of sorts
i am in a position of self determination
so i must learn
plan
design
implement
execute
and see what happens
as well
i must learn patience, to a greater degree
some things will take some time
and so
not much to say
the mic sits there
looking at me
wondering, i can tell
all i can say is
patience my friend
all will come to pass in their own time

sing to me sweet spirit

april 18 2008

i had this dream last night
gander and i drove to durand
though it didnt look like durand
i remember
we stopped into this old run down place
old building
brick/stone up to about 5 feet
the windows
old
dirty
unkept
the walk to the glass door was a cement ramp
to walk in you are met with a counter immediately
just room for people along the counter
along the top of the counter was a glass display
with samples (plastic or ceramic) of the foods offered
the samples had been in the case for many years
never cleaned
the paint darker than the actual food product
and covered with dust
a man came to the counter to take our orders
he was older
his skin was dark with many deep lines
from spending alot of time in the sun
he had shoulder length jet black hair
kind of oily
his eyes serious
he did not really look at us
but rather
as we ordered his head was partialy turned to voice the order to whoever was doing preparation
though
i did not see anyone
a moment later
the food appeared
i dont remember rodney being there at that moment

we wandered down the street
ok
this place
i called it durand
though it seems more like a combination of durand, sparta wisconsin and other small wisconsin towns. more west. rolling hills not flat like the south central part of the states.
people are in the street
and the bars
we wander in and out of the bars
and in the street
i realize we have become separated in the crowd
it seems
the moment i realized that rodney was gone
i see people in the street are looking into the sky
as i join the gaze i see storm clouds
i look around
some people seem to be looking at specific areas
cloud formations
to me
there are no distinct storm clouds
or rolling thunderheads
nothing that looks like a twister
awwww...never mind
i'll tell ya later

april 17 2008

first, you missed my birthday

second, how can you NOT get burnt after walking by that fire

third, hey blue

----------------------------------------

i am not a man
as you know other men
though
i do blend in well
i have been sitting here for so long
for the moment to pass
when i would be called
at times
doubting
that the moment would actually come to pass
 

----------------------------------------

so later in the day (than what i wrote below)
out steps hope again
looking a bit different
a different approach
just to begin conversation
then telling me
hang in there
that is the right approach

ok
so now what
do i read into it

nah
stay the course

----------------------------------------

knowing
but not caring of the consequences
it seemed
there was not only one thing growing
but two things rather
love
and
hope
love was obvious at the beginning
later
hope
the shadow of love maybe
hope is the hardest to live with
for me
love remembers
the pain is beautiful
 

but hope
that is another story

in the beginning
hope looks forward
down the road
plans
imagines
then later
after things have changed
hope whispers in my ear
maybe it is not as you might fear
maybe she loves you
maybe she just needs her time
maybe she wants to call you
maybe this
maybe that
i have opened the windows
and doors
i am running through my mind
with a broom
trying to chase her out
hope
leave me alone
i need to get on with it

it is one thing to think of you each day
each hour
a sweet memory
a shared experience
but then there goes hope
putting some twist on it

it is too hard
well
let's just say
i wish i could sweep hope away
get back to reality
that reality i lived
painless
in that realm
hope has played with my heart too long
my heart is weak
sensitive
go
be elsewhere
 

april 11 2008

some times
when i look in my dictionary
i see a word missing
i think playing hooky would be a more appropriate word
the word is hope
some times
i don't see hope
anywhere
no matter how hard i look
no matter where i look
i dont see it
anywhere

other times
bam
there it is
normally
when i am not looking for it

fuck
i need to get another dictionary

april 8 2008

and now for something completely different

fading fast
free at last
back on task

sail on sweet soul

you made my heart sing
you made my soul yearn

im sorry
i mistook you for someone else
i did not know

april 5 2008

ok
i changed my mind
you need to leave now
get
go
i have things to do
i can't stop all the time just cuz i feel you
that pang hits me in the gut
not hard mind you, so it's ok
but
annoying
really fucking annoying
so stop
get
out
now
go i said
leave me alone
let me get back to things
the way they were
i liked it that way
so go
shooosh

life is complicated enough without the likes of you around

i do like (love) the way you seem to dance when you walk
you do make my heart sing
but
it is too much
so go away
ok?

march 31 2008

i am off to a working conference for the next few days. if you are in milwaukee. let me know

anyhow

--------------------------------------

lying here
in the moment
feeling the warm blood slowly streaming out of the wound
across my chest
down each side
god
what ecstasy
so sticky to the touch
so dark
enjoying each moment
as i recall the beautiful moment
the knife penetrated
deep
into my heart
fuck
no other moment like it
nirvana
the only way to fully be in it
was to close my eyes
think of nothing else
the intermingling of steel and tissue
my heart calling for more
excruciating pleasure
how can one live with anything less

remember my love
the words which brought us together

kill me
and make me your lover

never forget
in death
there is hope

march 31 2008

babbling brook on the springtime of life.......

so here is what i have taken away from all of this

that there is a possibility
but, in reality, not a probability

that there is a free soul out there
looking at so many things as though for the first time
in awe
seemingly endless curiousity
as though a butterfly is pulled from one point
to another
not spoiled by life
a wounded soul for sure
i live that life
but with life still burning inside
and style

i was in a place
for a time
where i could watch
learn
enjoy
share
before that butterfly left me
to remain unfettered
to remain alive
to continue
on her journey
which simultaneously
brings me sadness
and great joy
not beauty which comes from certain forms of sadness
deep and dark
but
the sadness of the child who cannot have that one thing
toy
treat
and the joy
is that warmth which came from standing next to that fire
the memory
though for now
that memory is too close to the reality

if not you
then none
in that very specific sense
an experience which cannot be replicated
all others fall enough in it's shadow
that there is little reason to look into the shadow at all

where i thought there was nothing
there was something
fleeting
then gone
so now
there truly is nothing

hi ho
hi ho
off to life i go

 

march 28 2008

i'll do more than you ever will
faster
better
longer
harder
smoother
meaner
softer

but
it still wont be enough
not for you
for me

the one person i can't satisfy
no, not my father
but rather
myself
the son of the father

march 28 2008

blue skies from now on

for years i have said
it is impossible
years passed
my life and experiences confirmed my hypothesis
then
when i least expected it
bam
there you were
i mean shit
as though i was driving down the road
and for whatever reason
not paying attention
too dark
going too fast
whatever
i fell right into you
i mean FUCK
i didn't EVEN see you coming
you arent suppose to exist
at least
the idea of you
so for awhile
i had both
you
and the idea
now
i have the idea
which i am trying to quietly nudge
until i get it out
so i can get on with it
it being
my journey
back to the calm waves
i liked it and all
no
i loved it/you
but it is time to get back to reality
really
i have things to do
i have to take these glasses off
to see better
shake you, the idea
out of my head/heart

i need to stop sending those dumb ass letters
poems
little stories
telling of how the idea of you popped up here
or there

stop...ha

ok
wish me luck

march 26 2008

shake ramble and roll

i wish i were smarter
i wish i were more creative
i wish i were stronger
i wish i were more disciplined
i wish i were someone else
i wish i did a better job of being me

in the longer view
in my opinion
i feel such a failure
i do not fit in with my surroundings
my situation
i am able to fool those around me
they seem to think i am something special
some kind of intellectual

little to they know

no self confidence, especially in recent times
a reafermation of my own ineptitude

insufficient

i seem to have failed at being me

but then

it is not over yet, is it

no, not yet

sitting here
at the bottom
i can look up
and see the light
hope
dream
pray for strength
continue the battle

maybe i am just tired

there is that tree, falling in the forest again, not making a sound

march 21 2008 (a good friday)

no matter how much i wish
wishing does NOT make it happen
i have tested that one
so don't even TRY to tell me otherwise

just be a salmon
and keep moving forward

as lynn used to say
always forward
never straight

i like that lynn
(i still do wish though, just in case)

----------------------------------------------------

it comes right after me
chases me down

i never seem to learn
to be more careful

there i am
walking in the sun
head up
feeling good
warm
alive inside

and bam
there it is

all over me
the battle renewed

i always seem to feel defeat at each beginning
then i look it in the eye
and fucking dig in

each time
i walk away
victorious

what did they say
that which does not kill me
makes me stronger

so come you mother fuckers
im ready

ready or not
come on


                

march 21 2008

unable to live up to my own expectations
i have to settle for second best....

oh oh
the creek seems to have dried up

and i seem to have acquired a strong thirst. good timing