begin here and read down...(my life in reverse)
august 29 2008
i wrote this on friday
it fell off
i wonder
to get a glimpse
:read: hunger;knut hamsun
:watch: the hurricane
saw the hurricane
the mindset of carter had
to separate himself from
by being/living opposite
stay in the cell
reverse hours
read
meditate
isolate
i am akin to that
the survival plan
some times
i feel like i am in the wrong place
i cannot escape from
so
i escape within
i turn inward
i conform not to draw attention
the difference in hurricane's story and mine
is
in mine there is no social salvation
stranger in a strange land
'cept
unlike valentine
mine is not obvious
'cept to me
i have been fooled
but not for long
use to think i was shy
but
it is not shy as much
as it is understanding of difference
not understanding why
just understanding
i feel true self at times
strength wells up
but it passes
i do not know
so i am
that one thread
difference
has been the one common thread
throughout my life
on my bikes (moto)
i felt something familiar
of self
freedom
that's it
i am the lion who
who has not roared in a very long time
in the zoo
time and space have left me wounded
(what do i mean by that?)
time and space, in my opinion
play a large part in "luck"
in a free will/random universe it points less
of intent than in
a moment and a place
think about it
if you are able
if not, i understand
my mistakes have been many
my accomplishments have been few
i can be eloquent
and yet
i am
tongue tied
around
my daughters
my love (at first and again later)
if i feel secure
i can speak openly
but like that shy creature
i can pull back
and
close
fuck
to think, for a second
she might exist
dumbass
i am such a fool
it eats at me, at times
such as this time, this moment
i saw a hummingbird today
hovering at the evergreen tree
in front of my place
for just a moment
almost...it seemed
until it caught my attention
i stared
it stared back
hover
then
gone
across the lot
up over a tree
gone
leaving me to wonder
and i did
as i was writing this all down
later
some sparrows flew in and around that same evergreen
one
made a wide pattern
a much wider circle
and flew right into my patio door window
hit the deck
stumbled
she/he jumped up
fluttered it's wings
shook off it's mistake
all the while
looking at me, looking at it
a couple seconds pass
and off it went
...phewwwww..............
gone
the other night abby
came out and asked me to turn the music down
*nin live dvd playing
which i did
the next day
i joked about that fact. abby it was probably due to my being "old" and harder
of hearing.
but
i have always played my music too loud, when i could and when it struck
me...when the mood struck
i thought that i probably drown myself in sound. in music.
but drown is not the right term.
drown implied something which is overwhelming
something one resists
not the case with music
me and music
music and me
i wrap music around myself. i do this willingly
at some point
at some volume level
we merge
this is not with all music, mind you
this is not with all moods
but when it does happen
when the music and my soul merge/unite
when i feel my self well up from within
i am in this place
a different place
a different level of self
full of music
nirvana, the same
sine wave
or
some sinve wave in concert with an aspect of the universe
stop here.....
august 26 2008
i had a dream
interesting things, dreams
i liken them to a part of reality
which occasionally escapes
slides out from the sub consciousness
painting pictures where ever it goes
this dream was like that
one of much beauty
with a pallet of many wonderful colors
colors bathing my subconscious self in light
then again
if i think about it
if you think about a hernia
that also is something which escapes
ah
a better analogy
as i took this dream
this herniated part of self
and stuffed it back in
and sowed that weakness back up
yeah, a little tender but better in the long term
------------------------------------------------
some negative reflections communicated in poetic form
i run through the forest spreading the flame of rage where ever i go
catching the leaves and dried wood ablaze in my wake
the leaves and kindling
feeling my own flame of desire
needing to share
they run to the trees and small bushes
holding their hands
spinning around them
dancing gaily
their flames of joy rushing up the sides
engulfing, before long, the entire forest
oh look at it
so beautiful
so hot
dancing, leaping so high
reaching up to the heavens
calling out
come here and play with us
dance our dance of love
oh
what a wonderful thing i have done
i know
call me desire
call me mankind
august 25 2008
i have a dream
sort of
i wish/hope that someday my work would come to be appreciated
i do not wish/hope for fame per se
just that it is appreciated
but things being as they are
life being as it is
timing is important
i worry that i have waited too long to act
that i do not possess or am not possessed with the fire
the drive
the ethic
to push forward
i worry that i have succumbed to life
that it has worn me down
that my fire burns too low
when i was younger
i had the fire
but no direction
timing is important, i think, in life
some times
i remind myself that some did not begin their work until much later in life
but life has it's influences
timing is important
i should not worry about that
but i sometimes do
i don't push as i did when i was younger
though
now i have some direction
i have a dream
sort of
august 19 2008
be in the moment
and fear nothing
funny thing
i am 54 this year, born in 54
i thought, leading up to this year
that it was going to be a special year
it is
but not quite like i thought i might
i have spent 6 plus months kind of trying to get back to normal
after i fell totally in love
head over heels
nope, not suppose to happen
the one and only
and yet not
then
mounting long term cost of the divorce (years and years)
and
the job change was a plus
a learning experience
an opportunity for personal growth
the down turn in the economy lead to the decision to attack my debt
(from my first marriage, the real financial killer 16 years ago)
not exactly what i thought
i was not able to help abby recently when she asked for financial help
with school
but
my total sum experiences
have left me stronger
physically
mentally
emotionallly (not a day passes with out sandy in my thoughts though)
intellectually (though not enough stimulating interaction)
i am working on my organizational and communicative skills
(even though i think i am better than most there already)
so, nope, not exactly what i thought it might be
though
it might be what i asked for
i am better for it
in the end
i only really have myself to offer
the moment
my self
my being
the journey that is my life
august 18 2008
i was going to write something interesting or witty today
but when i checked in the cupboard i saw it was empty
so instead, go watch the olympics
or something
try back tomorrow and i'll see what i have for you then
august 16 2008
in search of self
looking deep
reaching with eyes closed
in the darkness
fingers stretched out
the fingers of my mind
i see you
black as night
black as coal
but
i see you
with eyes closed
i turn my head down
and close my mind
to return to the darkness
of life
august 10 2008
breakfast this morning.
two slices of french toast, 3 slices of bacon, large glass or milk.
butter the toast liberally and add maple syrup.
eat while listening to joe strummer's london calling shows.
think about what life might be considering your obstacles or how
you might bridge your present reality to your proposed reality.
not sure if that is a good buddhist thing or not. i think it is
ok to look down the road while being in the place that you are.
i have felt recently that i have been nudged in a different direction.
be careful what you pray for. i think the nudge is in response to my
requests. interesting, watching the mechanics.
tomorrow back to work. things to consider.
august 9 2008
met abby at pstreet. i had homemade apple pie with that
crusty top, whipped cream and milk. abby went next door to
quiznos and got a sandwich. it was nice.
dinner was a jacks pizza cooked in the toaster oven.
here is the secret to a great jacks pizza (original crust).
onion powder, garlic pepper powder, sprinkled cheddar cheese,
slivers of butter or spread, top with parmesan cheese.
warm the oven for 4 minutes on toaster setting, then place
pizza in a turn down to 450. cook for about 8 minutes or
until toppings are turning your fav color. add a miller chill
and enjoy.
july 29 2006
a photo essay
july 29 2008
maybe it is just me
i dont know
but i dont think so
if you are a lover of music
off pop
alternative
but yet
traditional sounding
you really need to listen to mark willer
check cdbaby out
really
he has produced two cds
dirt filled glass
and
bad chords
eerie melodies
raw
finely produced paintings of sounds that mark
heard
and that you need to
speaking of two
i love you
a love that reaches into places
i have not been in so long
i forgot they were there
a love that comes close to breaking into need
and stealing parts of me
that do not belong to love
love sweeping into those dark forgotten corners
stirring up a damn mess
almost making me not see you
just the mess
love covering itself in that mess
of life
a love so painful
that i have to walk across the street before i
can experience you with out feeling your sting
and even then
i am not sure that the pain is love
or just that love has dredged up the pain
and i mistake one for the other
when it is nothing more than something i have
carried around in my nap sack for some time
buried so deep i forgot it was there
so the bad thing about love
is that it makes such a mess where there was
peace
calm
tranquility
peace does not equal love
love does not equal peace
you decide
and get back to me
july 28 2008
words from under the plank (7 days pass)
first
i was consumed by work
hours in the day
the demand, which is invigorating
also drained the cells
if i am completely immersed in something
i become that
thing
it feeds upon itself
but it seems
there is no great loss
of force
just focus
then
second
for a financial need
the brakes are hit
not good timing (with the divorce and all)
but when is there ever
40% goes away
not enough coming in to match the out going
but
for some reason
karma?
i am filled with a certain peace
formulate a plan
long term in nature
do a bit of research
make a choice (a pretty good one)
commit
(containment)
then
on the other front
decide on the other part of the plan
growth?
if there is any measure
the bikes are becoming easier and easier to ride hard
breath in
deep
yes
no more aching
the burn during a ride is wonderful
so, how was your day?
good
you know you can reach me for comment here:
rocketjim54@yahoo.com
no, i didnt think so but there it is anyway
post script
not a day passes where she is not in my thoughts
i still want to call her
or
write her
to tell her how i feel
but
like the addict
i know i need to change my habit
so i am vigilent
or a dumb mother fucker
july 15 2008
empty
like my head
empty
like my heart
empty
like my drive
empty
just
empty
just a word
wait, wait there is more...
the words spill out
like a bag of garbage tossed out of a window of
a moving vehicle
shit all over the road
making an unsightly mess
to the distain of all passing by
that is my legacy
wait, wait there is more...
somewhere
i discovered
an epiphany actually
that i lost
before i started
sometime
(haiku?)
wait, wait there is more...
i speak just enough of your
language to sound silly
stumble around like a kid with some speech
impediment
or
some old man after a stroke
the words come out
but
they do not say what was intended
like some person with tourette
"i didn't mean to say that"
but no explanation comes out
just more fucked up words
while you just stand there
looking at me
with that look
that i am use to seeing
you do not understand my poetry
as it was intended
or is it
that i am the kid with the speech impediment
or the old man with a stroke
or that person with tourette
and the joke is on me
maybe
it is just that my reality
is playing a kind, but cruel, joke on me
to soften the blow
ok, i am done for now
july 13 2008
i dreamt last night
that there were people over
a problem i normally do not have
does it have something to do with my charming personality
or
my ability to entertain people with my wit
anyway
i can't tell you who these people were
but
some of them have instruments
guitars
acoustic as i remember
ok
the thing that sticks in my mind
is my electric guitar
my esp ec50
which sits in the middle of the room
to me
was like this certain thing
to avoid talking about
though the connection to me was obvious
it was MY place
i did not refer to it
nor did anyone ask about it
it seems
so as not to embarrass me
or
my embarrassment was to obvious
those people just avoided the subject all together
then
the dream left that context
so now
the question is
what is the significance of this dream
i am sure i will forget after a period of time
isn't time wonderful
like the ocean
it washes all signs of history away
along the shore
time
like the ocean
seems to say
hey that is mine
i'll tell you what is and what is not
-------------------------------
sometimes my meanings have few words
sometimes my words have little meaning
july 12 2008
i had a dream the night before
last
ok
i was dreaming
the dream was jumping around
like my dreams do
but
i remember this one moment
she was sitting on the ground
in front of me
and she said something
like
i miss having you
it was SO real
almost like i had received a message
but when i woke
oh yes, it was brilliant in my mind
when i realized it was just a dream
that messages are not received
that this message was nothing more than my
desire speaking to me
in a moment of weakness
it drove a stake in my heart
when will this end
my heart is utterly broken
it has impacted me so dramatically
i mean, damn
it has been MONTHS
my heart battles with my mind
my mind wishes that i would go back to before
that first date
when i looked
when i wondered
but
nothing more
my heart is not allowed to speak this outloud
but
it wants
what we had
what i had
what it had
the space that is left is huge
my heart plays this guerilla game
sneeking thoughts in here and there
my mind cries out for release
from the pain
please
let me go back to that place
before
it was a good place
no great highs
or great lows
i was creative
at times inspired
i thought i was at peace
it is hard to know now
because of that damn heart
and so
the battle continues
july 7 2008
i am in this place
and my struggle
is to be
in the moment
not in some other place
in my mind
but
it is part of an introspection
part of which presents itself as
or dresses my emotions up as
self doubt
frustration
anger
listlessness
sadness
or some combination of the previous
with some smaller components
i find my self talking
work speak
using terms on i have gained from my work
not a bad thing
unless
you question the terms
as i have been
so something which happened some months ago
and still is in my daily thoughts
and ended a few months after it began
(does it end when i still think/feel daily)
it all involves growth
there is always some gain with loss
the weak side of me still wishes i were back just prior to that moment
but there i go again
wishing to be somewhere
i am not
it can be hard to BE
here and now
look ahead
down the path
walk
move
always forward
never straight (right lynn?)
always the antagonist
always the rebel
kelly use to say i always had to move to extremes
never happy enough
in my deepest self
ingrained from early days
is the feeling of inadequacy
insufficient
profoundly felt
(you will never know just how profoundly felt, really)
more later....
june 26 2008
i began by writing some real shit
so i stopped
and wrote this
much better huh?
yeah, i thought so to
hey, look what i wrote
"floating along like a turd in the sea of love"
my inspiration is endless
it is only my heart that is dried up
june 23 2008
blue answered a letter i had written
recently decrying my heart break situation
"...... well artists overanalyze - that's what they do, that's what they gotta
do....... not like shrinks and philosophers, but like poor wounded souls with
thin skin and wide eyes and maybe not enough boundaries ..."
she is right, as i know she would be
she is my other half
my soulwhore
and her recent addition
my soulfucker
tough as nails with pierced souls
painting "sigils around them in their own blood"
yes
she does know me
and i her
as we are one
she sang me a song
"everybody's looking for meaning
everyone's trying to get by
some people live like they're dreaming
some people focus and fly
and me i just sit in the back row
watching the world passing by"
the sun continues to shine
the moon continues pulling my heart
this way
and that
and all this with liz phair singing "white chocolate space egg" in the
background
more meaning?
"...i'll seee you...."
june 15 2008
when i first set this page up
i meant it as a log
a place to put thoughts
any kind
i thought laying down thoughts/words
daily
would keep the pump primed
so to speak
well
i have fits and starts
and lately
fits is winning
no inspiration
then i reminded my self
don't worry
just type
ok
work consumes alot of my energy lately
the divorce is moving slowly
none of the girls were here this weekend
ali had her cousin up
abby is up north
lauren is mending
text messaging is great
i am progressing slowly with my bike building project
i have
pegs
single speed convertor
grips
seat
seat post
disc brake set
i ordered tires, wheels and tubes
after a closer look
i discovered my old brake mounts are welded, not brazed
so i think i am going to leave them on
i took a few pics this weekend
flood pics here and there
the sky was great saturday afternoon when a front came in
i rode a fair amount today
weather was damn nice
a good weekend considering the girls were not here
i even cleaned the desk up
off to bed kids
night night (oh yeah, i think of her every day)
june 2 2008
(letter from self living in south
africa)
how are you?? i am ok, sorta bittersweetly today, because i met someone i saw
possibilities in, but today i don't see 'em anymore, so i'm having a little
self-indulgent quiet mourning for it. gotta have the neurotic misery factor
present eh :)
otherwise ... been doing the usual stuff i usually do
just wondered how you were doin
me
(just how am i doing, i wonder)
(wait, with this me, there are no possibilities)
-------------------------------------------
the words speak for themselves
because i really dont have anything to say
and if i did
i really wouldnt say that
or
at least not that way
so there is only one reason
the words speak for themselves
so dont look at me
may 23 2008
sometimes i think
i would like some of that potion
i think
i might drink it
just to have it not hurt anymore
but
thinking as i do
that i am insufficient
that might just prove it so
and i dont think i would care to do that
fuck that
thinking my weakness
does not make it so
there in lies my strength
in my weakness
knowing
mayday 2008
touch me on that soft underbelly
that is my brain
run the torn edge of your nail across my eye
lovingly
and with vigor
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
reaching into my soul
some words take advantage of me
lending me weak
too weak to resist
their beauty overwhelms me
in concert with a voice
the first time
that i can remember
it was dylan
tomorrow's such a long time
softly sung
almost a whisper
i could feel her heart beat
i felt her love
but i never saw her face
then two songs
sets words
which i normally do not remember
i am not the singer of songs
the words never remain with me
but
after the gold rush
and
rocketman
cousins i think
alienation
separation
me
stranger in a strange land
but not valentine michael smith
then the void
it seems
the void may be my present memory
angel struck a deep and dark chord in my soul
sarah's voice takes me to a place, with those words
that may not be the best place for me to linger
it is sometimes hard to leave that place
when i listen
if in a dark sad mood
she needs to be left alone
the angel can smother me
willingly
there are others
but in recent times
patty
trapeze
and
don't ever give up
they carry me
the deepest beauty in my life
the richest felt
are sad
so beautiful
that i cannot explain
it is complete
i even stop as i type this
i am reminded
of my place in this universe
alone
singular
not me as a social being
but my essence
my soul
central to self
one
looking up
with out blue
i write like a white vinyl suburban american normal lackluster thoughtless
tv watching moron
not a thought to put together
i am the mirror of my life
the sad reflection of mediocrity
smile for the camera
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my ideas spring from the fertile
soil of those around me
and
of those before me
thinking back
the library said
hey...this interests you?
then read this author
wandering the aisles generates
additional interest
at times the vein narrowed
when i read vonnegut
he told me that he read catch 22
one of the best books every written, i believe
so i read it
well, it took at couple times before that seed rooted
one heller took me to another
when i read a novel
i then want to understand the author
so i spent time with him
something took me to michener
and
salinger
and
greene
and
irving...boy did i walk down that path
and so on and so forth
when my eye sight dropped to the glasses need, so did my interest in reading
the ideas are fewer
and far in between
i fell into bukowski a couple years back
and now he has pointed me to huxley
and
hamsun
with a side of
ohno (and so many others)
what does this mean?
i am the result of my experiences
mixed with some genes
toss in some bad weather
and a couple eggs
and snippet of original thought
and put it in a jar in cupboard for 30 years
and
voi-la'
instant......something
wish me luck
april 30 2008
how many times do i need to say no
i mean, jesus, no
no means no
right?
ok?
OK?!
alrighty then
i gotta keep workin on this one
april 29 2008
years back
i wrote many things
the most beautiful
the most profound
were dark
not evil deed dark
but rather
from the perspective of a dark one
i once thought about the angel of death
a creature of god
born or created for this reality
for a specific purpose
not a choice
what thoughts were in that creature's mind
of death or mayhem
no
that was no more in this creature's mind
than many people after they have left their work
no
thoughts turn to other things
hope
dreams of something different
better
the only thing
this creature is removed from the rest
in a place of darkness
shadow
doomed to wait
for that godly call
to do the bidding of his lord
and yet
we judge the creature
for only being what he was created to be
intended for doing god's purpose
god's bidding
today
my thoughts are not profound
i would know profound when i saw it
i had a college professor tell me i thought profound thoughts
so i would know
these have not been profound thoughts
i may have sold my soul for less
or
i just may be tired
there is change in my life
some may think good things
success, in a manner
i wonder
but then again
i have always questioned
everything
i check for the balance
could be the devotchka - how it ends
deep dark beauty
i would know that
april 28 2008
one thing i learned when i was young
one thing my father taught me well was
no
you can't
it took me a long time (way too fucking long) to overcome that lesson
in recent times i seem to have turned that around
specifically in my working life
i have worked on my will to power (nietzsche)
marry that with being in the moment (buddhism)
and i have found growth
remember being in the moment is just that
not being anywhere else
so lately
i seem to be fighting off the idea
the hope
and what do you think i finally use to end that
to put that fire out
yep
no
you can't
you are not meant for that
poof
hope is gone
thank you dad
funny thing
i was able to be selective
not interfere with my other growth
my self growth
key here....individual
key here singular
april 27 2008 (again!)
i dont need you
i know that
i am a survivor
been around for some time
i understand myself there
but worse
i want you
what we had
spending time
shopping
walking the dog
cooking
making you breakfast
baths
waking next to you
you leaning back into me
need
nah
i really dont need anyone
it's not about need
but want
now that can be a bitch to get rid of
april 27 2008
this is were i wear my heart on my virtual sleeve
-----------------------------------
work is my bride
i lust for another
life
i want to cheat on my bride
but i am no good with life
only my bride knows me
i sometimes hate her
but she knows me
how to handle me
what i am made of
with her
i am not awkward
i do
i hate her
i lust for another
as well
i am pissed
for thinking that you might really understand
no no
not at you
at myself
you think i would have learned by now
that no one really does
understand me, that is
----------------------------------
the more i think about it
you are absolutely right
it wouldn't work
i am too different
i don't fit in
more and more
as an individual
chances are slim for change
i will remain that
an individual
so get use to it
move on
april 26 2008
have the others reacted the same way
as i have
questioning if any other love was a deep
and
as complete
as i have
do they feel compelled
daily
to call you
just to hear your voice
maybe that laugh of yours
the way you answer the phone with that "hulloooow"
do they melt when they see the sparkle in your eyes
are they pulled toward you
like the moth to the light
like filings to a magnet
held captive
like the moon to the earth
unable to pull away
no freedom
do they wonder why
you will not answer their calls
as i do
shyness
or
repulsion
as when the time is passed
the experience over
at your end
time to move on
i will never get over you
in the sense
that i will remember how unique my reaction was
so strong
a wonderful memory
with that little pain
that tug at a heart spoiled by you
the touch
i have to stop
or i fall deeper into you
or
the memory of us
april 22 2008
picture this
so there i am
lying in a tub full of hot water
enjoying the bath salts (thanks sandy)
head back
under water
except for my face
eyes up
looking at my rectangular light yellow ceiling
following the rounded corners where the tub surround ends
and then beyond
the tight corners of the actual ceiling itself
amusement parks on fire and bonnie prince billy playing in the other room
when i remember
riding home today
i came across another guy on a bike
riding toward me
as we get closer i see he is older
75 plus, i would guess
riding a retro bike
except
it was retro before there was retro
and he has a light button down summer checkered shirt
and a ball cap on with some farmer emblem across the front
turned just a little
the bill worn at the edge
as we pass he smiles
not a tooth do i see
he doesn't look at me long
i think i does not want to loose his balance
after we pass i realize something
i see myself in his face
i am close enough to where he is
in age
it seems
that i recognize what might be my future
it was not that many years back that an older person was foreign
a different aspect of humanity
of which i was far removed
i remember reading somewhere
where bukowski said something about one day realizing he was old
there was no threshold
just a realization
i have had that in the last couple years
with that thought followed another
i am ready
to go
to check out
ok
wait
before you go calling 911
it is just a thought
a concept
not necessarily one which needs to be acted upon
but it works with well with my own feelings
those i have had for years
those which have driven me to attempt to change
to better self
the feelings of not living up
yes, to the expectations of my father (normal)
nor to those of self
i have been my own worst critic
nothing i do is sufficient
that feeling
insufficiency
is woven into my core of my self
i live with it
maybe the sand in the oyster
always irritating
but now
with time
and maybe my recent breakup (timing?)
it comes to the forefront
and seeing that guy
wow
i mean
clear as day
i do not want to be there
and yet
i saw myself
there
still
i look back up
i really like my ceiling
i should really try to shoot what i see
capture that perspective
light
shadow
color
form
composition
maybe i'll let the tub dry first
if i think about it
maybe tomorrow
april 20 2008
i havent had anything to say
lately
introspection
as is usual
pushing hope down
out
hope tends to mislead me
i wait for something that is improbable
as well
as i push hope out
it sort of predestines, doesn't it
also
work has my creative mind
a growth spurt, of sorts
i am in a position of self determination
so i must learn
plan
design
implement
execute
and see what happens
as well
i must learn patience, to a greater degree
some things will take some time
and so
not much to say
the mic sits there
looking at me
wondering, i can tell
all i can say is
patience my friend
all will come to pass in their own time
sing to me sweet spirit
april 18 2008
i had this dream last night
gander and i drove to durand
though it didnt look like durand
i remember
we stopped into this old run down place
old building
brick/stone up to about 5 feet
the windows
old
dirty
unkept
the walk to the glass door was a cement ramp
to walk in you are met with a counter immediately
just room for people along the counter
along the top of the counter was a glass display
with samples (plastic or ceramic) of the foods offered
the samples had been in the case for many years
never cleaned
the paint darker than the actual food product
and covered with dust
a man came to the counter to take our orders
he was older
his skin was dark with many deep lines
from spending alot of time in the sun
he had shoulder length jet black hair
kind of oily
his eyes serious
he did not really look at us
but rather
as we ordered his head was partialy turned to voice the order to whoever was
doing preparation
though
i did not see anyone
a moment later
the food appeared
i dont remember rodney being there at that moment
we wandered down the street
ok
this place
i called it durand
though it seems more like a combination of durand, sparta wisconsin and other
small wisconsin towns. more west. rolling hills not flat like the south central
part of the states.
people are in the street
and the bars
we wander in and out of the bars
and in the street
i realize we have become separated in the crowd
it seems
the moment i realized that rodney was gone
i see people in the street are looking into the sky
as i join the gaze i see storm clouds
i look around
some people seem to be looking at specific areas
cloud formations
to me
there are no distinct storm clouds
or rolling thunderheads
nothing that looks like a twister
awwww...never mind
i'll tell ya later
april 17 2008
first, you missed my birthday
second, how can you NOT get burnt after walking by that fire
third, hey blue
----------------------------------------
i am not a man
as you know other men
though
i do blend in well
i have been sitting here for so long
for the moment to pass
when i would be called
at times
doubting
that the moment would actually come to pass
----------------------------------------
so later in the day (than what i
wrote below)
out steps hope again
looking a bit different
a different approach
just to begin conversation
then telling me
hang in there
that is the right approach
ok
so now what
do i read into it
nah
stay the course
----------------------------------------
knowing
but not caring of the consequences
it seemed
there was not only one thing growing
but two things rather
love
and
hope
love was obvious at the beginning
later
hope
the shadow of love maybe
hope is the hardest to live with
for me
love remembers
the pain is beautiful
but hope
that is another story
in the beginning
hope looks forward
down the road
plans
imagines
then later
after things have changed
hope whispers in my ear
maybe it is not as you might fear
maybe she loves you
maybe she just needs her time
maybe she wants to call you
maybe this
maybe that
i have opened the windows
and doors
i am running through my mind
with a broom
trying to chase her out
hope
leave me alone
i need to get on with it
it is one thing to think of you each day
each hour
a sweet memory
a shared experience
but then there goes hope
putting some twist on it
it is too hard
well
let's just say
i wish i could sweep hope away
get back to reality
that reality i lived
painless
in that realm
hope has played with my heart too long
my heart is weak
sensitive
go
be elsewhere
april 11 2008
some times
when i look in my dictionary
i see a word missing
i think playing hooky would be a more appropriate word
the word is hope
some times
i don't see hope
anywhere
no matter how hard i look
no matter where i look
i dont see it
anywhere
other times
bam
there it is
normally
when i am not looking for it
fuck
i need to get another dictionary
april 8 2008
and now for something completely
different
fading fast
free at last
back on task
sail on sweet soul
you made my heart sing
you made my soul yearn
im sorry
i mistook you for someone else
i did not know
april 5 2008
ok
i changed my mind
you need to leave now
get
go
i have things to do
i can't stop all the time just cuz i feel you
that pang hits me in the gut
not hard mind you, so it's ok
but
annoying
really fucking annoying
so stop
get
out
now
go i said
leave me alone
let me get back to things
the way they were
i liked it that way
so go
shooosh
life is complicated enough without the likes of you around
i do like (love) the way you seem to
dance when you walk
you do make my heart sing
but
it is too much
so go away
ok?
march 31 2008
i am off to a working conference for the next few days. if you are in milwaukee. let me know
anyhow
--------------------------------------
lying here
in the moment
feeling the warm blood slowly streaming out of the wound
across my chest
down each side
god
what ecstasy
so sticky to the touch
so dark
enjoying each moment
as i recall the beautiful moment
the knife penetrated
deep
into my heart
fuck
no other moment like it
nirvana
the only way to fully be in it
was to close my eyes
think of nothing else
the intermingling of steel and tissue
my heart calling for more
excruciating pleasure
how can one live with anything less
remember my love
the words which brought us together
kill me
and make me your lover
never forget
in death
there is hope
march 31 2008
babbling brook on the springtime of life.......
so here is what i have taken away
from all of this
that there is a possibility
but, in reality, not a probability
that there is a free soul out there
looking at so many things as though for the first time
in awe
seemingly endless curiousity
as though a butterfly is pulled from one point
to another
not spoiled by life
a wounded soul for sure
i live that life
but with life still burning inside
and style
i was in a place
for a time
where i could watch
learn
enjoy
share
before that butterfly left me
to remain unfettered
to remain alive
to continue
on her journey
which simultaneously
brings me sadness
and great joy
not beauty which comes from certain forms of sadness
deep and dark
but
the sadness of the child who cannot have that one thing
toy
treat
and the joy
is that warmth which came from standing next to that fire
the memory
though for now
that memory is too close to the reality
if not you
then none
in that very specific sense
an experience which cannot be replicated
all others fall enough in it's shadow
that there is little reason to look into the shadow at all
where i thought there was nothing
there was something
fleeting
then gone
so now
there truly is nothing
hi ho
hi ho
off to life i go
march 28 2008
i'll do more than you ever will
faster
better
longer
harder
smoother
meaner
softer
but
it still wont be enough
not for you
for me
the one person i can't satisfy
no, not my father
but rather
myself
the son of the father
march 28 2008
blue skies from now on
for years i have said
it is impossible
years passed
my life and experiences confirmed my hypothesis
then
when i least expected it
bam
there you were
i mean shit
as though i was driving down the road
and for whatever reason
not paying attention
too dark
going too fast
whatever
i fell right into you
i mean FUCK
i didn't EVEN see you coming
you arent suppose to exist
at least
the idea of you
so for awhile
i had both
you
and the idea
now
i have the idea
which i am trying to quietly nudge
until i get it out
so i can get on with it
it being
my journey
back to the calm waves
i liked it and all
no
i loved it/you
but it is time to get back to reality
really
i have things to do
i have to take these glasses off
to see better
shake you, the idea
out of my head/heart
i need to stop sending those dumb ass letters
poems
little stories
telling of how the idea of you popped up here
or there
stop...ha
ok
wish me luck
march 26 2008
shake ramble and roll
i wish i were smarter
i wish i were more creative
i wish i were stronger
i wish i were more disciplined
i wish i were someone else
i wish i did a better job of being me
in the longer view
in my opinion
i feel such a failure
i do not fit in with my surroundings
my situation
i am able to fool those around me
they seem to think i am something special
some kind of intellectual
little to they know
no self confidence, especially in recent times
a reafermation of my own ineptitude
insufficient
i seem to have failed at being me
but then
it is not over yet, is it
no, not yet
sitting here
at the bottom
i can look up
and see the light
hope
dream
pray for strength
continue the battle
maybe i am just tired
there is that tree, falling in the forest again, not making a sound
march 21 2008 (a good friday)
no matter how much i wish
wishing does NOT make it happen
i have tested that one
so don't even TRY to tell me otherwise
just be a salmon
and keep moving forward
as lynn used to say
always forward
never straight
i like that lynn
(i still do wish though, just in case)
----------------------------------------------------
it comes right after me
chases me down
i never seem to learn
to be more careful
there i am
walking in the sun
head up
feeling good
warm
alive inside
and bam
there it is
all over me
the battle renewed
i always seem to feel defeat at each beginning
then i look it in the eye
and fucking dig in
each time
i walk away
victorious
what did they say
that which does not kill me
makes me stronger
so come you mother fuckers
im ready
ready or not
come on
march 21 2008
unable to live up to my own
expectations
i have to settle for second best....
oh oh
the creek seems to have dried up
and i seem to have acquired a strong thirst. good timing
march 15 2008
my strength
is my weakness
my weakness
is my strength
march 13 2008
sprite
you sneak into my thoughts
through out the day
i see your face
the way you move
that smile, mischievous
those eyes, brilliant when in the light of day
i should be sad
but
i am not
even though i have you no longer
i have had you
you are in me
and that can only be a good thing
i am better for it
those thoughts
memories
are from a good time
extra ordinary
unique
wonderful
so it is ok
keep sneaking around in my head
and
in my heart
they like the company
march 11 2008
i saw a vision
[a dream]
[an apparition]
initially there was reality
initially there was concrete
initially there was beauty
blinding
the beauty was freedom
intermingling of energy
two becoming [seemingly] one
the beauty was [almost] blinding
no
it was blinding
beauty can hold one hostage
for a time
until
the light of reality shines in
beauty escapes
reality pulls the veil aside
reality dulls the energy
reality dulls the edge
dull
a word which describes myself so well
----------------------------
i am the tree
which fell in the forest
to prove a point
march 11 2008
this should be a time of deep
thought
words thick with meaning
but nothing, really
everyone stayed home
no crowd to cheer the grand song
just a quiet breeze
hardly that
just another day
love is come
love is gone
her scent will remain in the air
bitter sweet
better for it
i will be on my way now
march 10 2008
reflections of
you make me think
no
because of you
of meeting you
i think
ponder
consider
plan
reflect
wondering
i go back
many years ago
12 or so
at my mother's one weekend
with my younger brother
my mother and step father are drunk again
(no weekend off just cuz we were there)
and once again
when they reach this certain level of buzz
they fight
always in the kitchen
at the kitchen table
my brother and i move from the living room occasionally
into the kitchen
when the words get loud
and this time
they are
my mother is screaming
she jumps up from her chair
and goes into their bedroom
when she comes back she has a hand gun
some kind of 6 shooter
she puts the barrel into her mouth
he is unimpressed
eyes half closed from alcohol
she sees that
so down goes the gun
while my brother and i plead for her to stop
things quiet down for awhile
we go back into the living room to play
don't want to get too far away
after a lull more arguing ensues
i have to say my mother seems to be leading the charge
comments
threats
then into the basement she goes
what i remember next is her calling us
my brother and myself
we go to the basement door
and begin walking down
as my stepfather says not to worry
she is just trying to get attention
but as i begin down the stairway
i see something that a kid my age shouldn't
my mothers feet swinging
i scream (not sure what my brother was doing, he was stuck to my side)
and run downstairs
we both try grabbing her legs
to hold her up
my step father lumbers down
again he tells us
she is just playing
trying to get attention
her eyes open
she reaches for the noose
under her chin
eyes on fire
angry with him
not understanding
or
not caring what impact she had on us
she removes the noose
and manages to climb back down (don't ask how, it was 40 years ago)
fucked up times
fucked up weekends
at mom's house
after she died...many years later
someone asked me
why i was not angry
she was only 57
smoked (that is really what killed her)
drank
and gone
i think he meant that i should be angry cuz she left so early
(he didn't know the rest)
i told him
she made her choices
i make mine
how does this relate to you?
i am not sure
other than
you make my mind work
no
because of you, my mind is SO active
because of you, i want to grow
learn
be a better person
see
(i've said this before)
you are not suppose to exist
so no matter
how things end up
you have instilled a certain hope
so i need to
ponder
consider
plan
reflect
be better
a better person
father
lover
teacher
philosopher
photographer
liver of life
i to am a wounded soul
i want you to see the scar
that was part of it
march 9 2008
now what
now
what do i do
i seem to have lost myself in her
or in my search for self
where do i go
what do i do
now
once again, the tree crashes down in the forest
not to be heard
so now what
march 5 2008
one day
god reached down from heaven
and she touched me on my forehead
as she whispered in my ear
telling me
know jim
know love
i am showing you love, jim
where you thought there was no one
i have let you see
what you did not think existed
love is not easy
lust is easy
to know love
you must earn the right
love does not come freely
march 5 2008
is it the cold
is it the antibotics from the infection after the cold
is it life
is it temperment
is it life
is it love
dried up ol fuck
february 26 2008
they stuck a needle in my shoulder
yesterday
tossed some steroids in me
gave me some horse tablets to get me feeling better
flu for a week and now the chest infection
im feeling better now
ok, i was thinking
genius is not always recognized
just ask me
just ask my friend mark
mark willer
take a listen to his music
it seems to me
obvious
genius
when i first heard of mark
oh, mark was a coworker
i ran the nightshift
and he was a young manufacturing engineer
working days
we nodded and said hi in passing
nothing more really
then someone told me that mark was a musician
singer songwriter
with a cd out
hmmmm
so i approached mark
id'd myself as a music lover
and bought one of his cds
took it home and had a listen
interesting for sure
maybe a bit dark
but good
he had a very distinqtive voice
i did not mate it with the person i saw at work
very tom waits
did he TRY to sound like tom?
a mimic maybe
i took another listen
hmmmm
got some leonard cohen sounds to me
was he trying to sound like leonard
not really, mark told me
all the words were mark
story teller
painter of life images
more abstract than realist
but sung with a strength of emotion
passion
still
that voice
so i went to see mark and his band play
fuck
that voice just comes right out of that guy
jesus
no effort
just as natural as breathing itself
back to listening
the devil is in the details, they say
mark's genius is as well
in the production
sounds
instruments
voices
such attention to detail
listen again
and hear more
mark says the words mean whatever you want them to
for him
many are dabs of paint
only having meaning
as part of the entire painting
there were a few people who really thought mark just HAD to break into the big
time
they were music lovers
some new musicians who had made it
and could tell talent at that level
i know mark is genius
but i realize that his is not mainstream
not all will understand
now mark lives afar
his day job has taken him away from his muse
his music
but genius is still genius
february 24 2008
sorry been sick for a few days..
ok so what were we talking about?
oh yeah
she gives me purpose
now
what the fuck im going to do with a purpose i don't know
i mean
i don't even live near water
life is some crazy shit
february 17 2008
im the most interesting person you never met
february 17 2008
dreamin
i got this idea
to open a place
in an older office/warehouse location
small bar with interesting beers/drinks
interesting food
entertainment would be
from my movie collection
music docs
old movies
indie shit
anime
so on so forth
live music
live reads
open mics for all, at times
great juke box
sharing music publically
other art forms
hanging on the wall
open to ideas for other forms
sell, share, live
of good times
ideas
what do you think?
email @ rocketjim54@yahoo.com
i dont expect any emails so dont feel bad when you dont contact me
i live that life
february 16 2008
i hate my weakness
i wanna knock it down
and kick it's fucking ass
it fucking pisses me off
fuck
i HATE it
i really do
too fucking lazy
talentless fool
don't deserve shit
dumb ass
the only thing
i kick it's ass
and stand there
watching the blood run off it's face
it makes me sick looking at it
weak bastard
but i don't get any fucking satisfaction
puffy eyes
it looks so damn pitiful
that is NOT what i wanted
so all i can really do is wait it out
time is running out though
so
pray for rain, i guess
february 12 2008
sorting the experience all out = growth
my work is my sanctuary
there is no room for work and pain
on the same ride
pain has to wait
until i get home
then
i have to look around
quickly
for more work
before that damn pain comes back
shit
i didnt think i had a heart
and there it pops up again
funny thing
if i took the time to measure it all out
pain/happinesswarmth/nothing
i think
nothing would win by a mile
with pain coming in a close second
february 11 2008
my muse has competition
here
but not
for how long
i can't really say
competition comes and goes
but this one
the impact my be longer felt
as only one before
and then not so prolific
then
maybe it is the time
and the place
where i am
here and now
i wonder if my muse gets jealous
or
if she is sitting somewhere
working off a hangover
thanking her lucky stars
that i am not writing some boring
lame as shit
about her leaving again
not being where i want her
this pain in the ass old man
fuck
how did she get that job
muse for some talentless old bastard
wasted youth, yeah
where was he then
bartender
i'll have another please
february 11 2008
oh sweet sadness
come play with me
if i close my eyes
i can feel your hand lightly running against my skin
under my chin
across my shoulders
oh my dark eyed beauty
take my soul
breathe your hot breath deep into me
so chilling
so cold in it's blackness
wonderful
take me
make me yours
then leave me
for you
it was a game
playing with something
someone
warm
for me
an experience
who's memory is longing
who's want turns to need
february 10 2008
friday work kept my occupied
saturday was horrible in it's intensity
the pain has become less today
i guess there is no growth without pain
i have learned of love
i have learned something of my own self
i have learned of loss
though
i thought i have known loss before
the feeling returned
fresh
strong
and with a new vigor
as it dug deep into my soul
eyes bright
looking into my own
as it turned
twisted
i can almost see a smile
but for those bright eyes
ah
the pain
of love
and of love lost
there is no beauty so deep
and powerful
as love
except possibly
mixed with loss
together
one can see the angels
hear their terribly wonderful song
there is no true growth without pain
february 10 2008
people are strange: they are
constantly angered by trivial things,
but on a major matter
like
totally wasting their lives,
they hardly seem to notice...
bukowski-wandering in the cage
february 8 2008
angel
this glorious sadness
which brings me to my knees
february 8 2008
i love you
like there is only one love
that love
THAT LOVE
and if i have lost that love
i still have the love in my heart
the memory of that love
unlike any other
i love you
not spoken in the past
or the future
it just is
now
is
it was there before
and will be there
i call that love
hope
february 5 2008
this is what it looks like inside my head
im not built for this. my emotional has always been under developed
february 3 2008
i am in a middle place
change is in the air
it is not raging into sight
but rather
quietly making itself felt
i am excited to see what is coming up
i'll put my blinder back on and be quiet
oh
i'll keep in touch
january 23 2008
some day
someone will read this
write it all down
and publish it
claiming to find
some long lost poet of life
will be the marketing tool/hook
a poet of the people
a voice of the common man
some will rave over the find
others
will call it trash
silly drivel
i will agree...
january 23 2008
a slave to work
a slave to life
a slave to love
give in
and you are free
i am free
kill me, make me your lover
january 16 2008
looking back
january 16 2008
sometimes i wanna shout
sometimes
i wanna let me out
the rage
the joy
the energy
but i dont
i see it
but
i dont do it
sometimes
i wanna reach down
all the way down
and pull it out
actually
i would not have to pull it out
it would just rush out
tearing the sides as it escaped
as it roared up
racing
a banshee
a force unknown, yet
undeniable
unleashed
(nietzsche's will to power?)
but i dont
january 15 2008
it is uphill
that is for certain
that is for goddamn certain
having said that
and i did
i must like the climb
december 24 2007
more beautiful words of sadness and hope
i think
in the beginning
i think that a person falls into love
with
an idea
the idea of a person
ok
you have the emotion
and the person
love projects
love anticipates
love fills in the gaps where reality drops off
where experience has not tread
yet
as time passes
reality flows in from this way
and that
experience replaces what love painted
covers that beautiful imaginary portrait
with something different
sometimes removing completely
the original concept
sometimes reality pushes love out
but
sometimes
it compliments the original
adding a little colorful something here
moving some detail there
blending love with reality
until
you have both love
and reality
that is the beauty and risk of love
december 13 2007
i had a dream
a thought actually
i could die in your arms
a death which could only be described as glorious
in the moment
not a normal morbid end of life
but a moment
a last moment with one foot in one reality
and the other....in that other reality
but just the fact
of the moment
together
with you
arms around each other
your head on my chest
mine on your shoulder
the smell of your skin
your hair
cheek against soft cheek
all my senses alive
that one moment
locked for all eternity
sealed in mental amber
emotional bliss
eternal
so
i could die in your arms
i would die in your arms
10 days later - december 11 2007
the sadness in my life
is a beautiful sadness
she pulls at my heart
when she dances in front of me
the sun at her back
brilliant in the depth of her sorrow
i am stricken in her radiance
remarkable
in the depth of her beauty
so beautiful
so sad
my words fall short
i am frozen
i am made incomplete
i am filled with love
love for beauty
the beauty of this great sadness
a part of me
december 1 2007
here is my take on life
you have luck
luck is
a time/space thing
in a certain place AT a certain time
but everything is moving
so, for some
it seems THEY live a charmed life
for others
it seems THEY make things happen
ok
we influence
but
remember
being (existential)
in a certain place AT a certain time
it may make more sense
so, your influence on time a place is limited
considering the vastness of each
but
if you choose
you can influence via your will
that little place called
here and now
that moment
seek not changing the outside
but
rather
seek being in the self
in the moment
seek to understand the essence
ask for help ok
but seek
or participate on that journey of self
remember
where ever you are
you are right here
right there
not somewhere else
more later
november 27 2007
satans mobile disco
is playing in my head
it kinda sounds like mistletoe
and feels so very red
boom
boom
boom
while
the voice sings out
kill me now baby
and make me your lover
november 20 2007
a busy time
my thoughts are stretched
in different directions
which
is a good thing
a busy mind
so much to do
so little time
get the fuck off your ass
and get going
oh...happy thanksgiving
october 29 2007
happy upcoming halloween
october 26 2007
so im sitting here
lookin at the picture on the wall
enjoying my cig
thinking about life
all of it
rick
janis
john
that's life
boy this cigarette tastes great
life is good
october 16 2007
i am the battle that was not fought
mine was the light that did not shine
october 8 2007
lately
when i get home
i find the word bucket is empty
just a drop at the bottom
i stare at it
after a long day i can only stare
wondering
how long that drop will remain
wondering
when i get home tomorrow
will it be dry
and then what
fall into that mediocrity
that i call bliss?
kiss me my love
and please
if you love me
push that handle
push it deeper
oh
the agony of love
october 2 2007
i am an old woman
named after my mother....
sometimes i get so damn depressed
that i think im in love again
september 29 2007
the days past and i neglect this
page
oh
and now i have to write a #15 chart topper
the pressure is on
oh
i was thinking
let the light of......
never mind, the words made more sense before
back later
september 16 2007
been busy. i'll catch up with you later
in remembrance of september 11 2001
considering the actions of those people who
were in public office, a position one aspires to. one which brings with it
certain standards and responsibilities.
i find suspect the honor and ethics of
the head of the faa and agency heads
mr powell
ms rice
mr tenet
mr rumsfeld
i find mr bush's actions almost criminal, if not for my own thought that he is
emotionally and intellectually incapable.
i do believe mr cheney is criminal in, what i believe to be, his intent and
negligence.
of that group, i believe he is central.
i have lost respect for mr clinton, who i felt is one of the most intelligent
men who have held that post. his failure was, for the most part, was that
regarding abusing his political position to further his sexual desires and
fantasies.
but as well i feel he did not do enough to act, short term, against bin ladin,
when the threat was obvious and close. he went into political safe zone as his
own issues surfaced. his focus was not where it should have been.
i would not hire any of these people. im sorry, i will not hire/vote for any of
these people in any capacity.
i do believe that in a vague sort of way, these people, other than the head of
the faa, who was merely incompetent and negligent, were complicit in that they
were more concerned with the politic of the day rather than with the job at
hand. all seemed to be obviously unavailable or unwilling to work with the
commission on 9/11 in their search for understanding.
they are all true politicians.
aug 25 2007
i was here
when it was there
i was looking at this
when it went that way
i drove up north
when it was vacationing down south
i missed it, almost, all together
we are each different now
i watched it on a documentary
im not so sure about it
but it must have been fun
that was then
this is now
look forward
out
into the horizon
maybe
someone will say the same thing
at another time
hell
maybe they are saying/typing/thinking it
now
aug 22 2007
in celebration of the end (not in a journey sense)
let there be a new beginning
look forward
understanding
that which moves from this point
this moment
springs from
that which was
and is
and shall be
aug 12 2007
the reoccurring dream
i just realized
is not a dream
i wake up and there i am
smack dab in the middle of my life
i blink
try to go back to sleep
but nope
no can do
here i am
shit
now what do i do
how do i get out of here
well
i better get use to it
make the best of it
it aint so bad as all of that
i mean
shit
it could be worse
it could be some fucking humdrum life
nothing happening
nothing happens
the broken record
i mean the street of my life just happens to be uphill
it'll make my legs stronger
you know
that which does not kill me
makes me stronger (saeth the hulk)
the eternal optimist
it's all good
aug 8 2007
the words have escaped me
so
i am off to find them
maybe
maybe i shouldn't go off to find them
maybe
really
they haven't escaped
really
maybe
if i sit quietly
don't make a noise
and
close my eyes
hold my breath
not move
maybe the'll think it is ok to come out
thinking that i have left
maybe
thinking i am out looking for them
or
thinking that i gave up
and moved on
either way
maybe they'll come out
and if i am really lucky
they'll come close enough
that i might have a chance at them
then again
maybe not
aug 5 2007
sometimes
sometimes i think
that
there should be words to fill the void
not my words
the words of another
the void?
left by my images
because
there is a void
where my words should be
use to be
at least occassionally there were words
now, it seems
either they are too quite for me to hear
or
they appear at a moment in time when
i can't capture them
i can't remember them
i don't care to pay attention
and so the void
in this kingdom of one
i wonder of the possibility
of another
to fill that void
fantasy, i know
considering
sometimes i think
how things would be with that void
filled
what it would look like
what it would sound like
sometimes
aug 3 2007
there are no promises
but
there are opportunities
jul 29 2007
what is it
about the full moon time of the month
when a full moon is almost upon us
my mind works overtime late at night
seems like important issues come to the surface
not just dreams but spiritual, philosophical, moral issues
and i can't ignore them
i have to consider the thought as it is presented
what is it
about the full moon time of the month
jul 26 2007
sometimes
sometimes i think that
when you wait
that you are being tricked
the trick is to out wait you
get you to wait until it is passed
whatever it is
leaving you there
with out
missing
the experience
the love
life
the thing
that thing
you loose
you missed it
sometimes i think that
then again
maybe that is part of the trick
that my mind plays on me
jul 20 2007
i am finding you to be terribly uninteresting
jul 18 2007
i know what i said
but im too tired to write anything down
my mind is too weary
the words are just blurry
no definition
i can hardly respond to emails, for god sake
so go
leave me alone
yeah yeah, i know
rags and bones
but nothing happened
i said go
leave me along
there is nothing i can do
really
there is nothing to write
go bother someone else
i don't know why i started this anyway
there is no pump to prime
there is nothing left
the day drains me
my work drains me
there is little left inside
not enough for you
hell
what good are you anyway
i mean
where the fuck were you when i needed you
muse my ass
seems the only time i see you is WHEN i am at work
i get home and what
you nag
nag, nag, nag, nag, fucking nag
just leave me along
or just watch it
or i'll poke you with this pencil
yeah that's right
so watch out there little miss muse
or you'll be little miss one eyed muse bitch
yeah
fuck
some days i just don't know....
jul 16 2007
im trying to pull a rabbit out of my hat
it seems like it may work
god, or that which i occasionally call god
seems, just seems, to move something in front of me
from time to time
to see how i will respond
it seems
the way respond these days is different, much different
than the way would have only a couple years back
as such
the results are different
ok
the reason i give "credit" to the supreme being
is this
timing
these hurdles or objects or whatever
seem to come in front just when something seems like it is going too easily
to balance that out
relief of an issue seems to come mysteriously
a couple times REALLY FUCKING mysteriously
ok
in my opinion, luck is nothing more than
a combination of position
in time
and space
god stirs the time/space pot up a bit
to see what happens
intentionally or otherwise
i think sometimes it is a bit of each
in my opinion
ok
im done
jul 11 2007
i have a message for you, it is called death
july 4 2007
im back
when does the well intentioned turn
into a lie
it is a lie when one continues with the argument after the facts speak otherwise
it is a lie when the words are used to mislead those of the real intention of
ones actions
it is a lie when truth is mixed in with untruth, the intended untruth, to
confuse and confound those of moral character
it is a lie when the who lied are protected after they are caught
it is despicable when human lives are held hostage in front of the lie
it is despicable when patriotism is held up in front of the lie
at some point we must call a lie just that a lie
im gone for a few days
until then
june 26 2007
regina
it is uncanny
she speaks with such a familiar voice
can a sound
the sound of a voice
have such an intimate impact on a psyche
the keyword is familiar
i know that voice
i know those words
nope, never heard them before
but
they ring a mental bell
listen
again
do i know you?
at another level
yeah, i think so
june 25 2007
reflecting back
my first level of self awareness
or awareness in general
was as a child at the age of 5 or 6
awareness in the form of consideration of my elders
such as my father and mother.....
i pushed the door open
and walked into the bedroom
quietly so as not to both them
i stopped in my tracks
there they were both naked on the bed
he on his back and she lying face down
later....
they were sitting in separate chairs
in the living room
my brother was already sitting in my mother's lap
cuddled up
emotional
i stood in the middle of the room
i dont remember who asked
but
they told me that i had to make a decision
i had to choose
one or the other
i remainded in the middle of the room
looked at each
she was reaching out to me, tears streaming from
her eyes.
he sat motionless, frozen inside himself
unable, it seemed, to drag himself out
out of the state of being
which wrapped itself around him
to make his own plea
as i remained in the middle i proclaimed
"if i cant have you both, i dont want either
one of you"
that lasted for about a minute
and then i ran over to her
later, much later....
they had been sitting at the kitchen table for some time
drinking all day long
a normal drinking day begins with beers and conversation
on general topics
such as
what is going on at work
who did this
what the plans are
then the talk moves to people they socialize with.
friends, pseudo friends, aquaintenances.....
more drinks
more talk
and then
they would turn the corner
that one beer...or two
the conversation would focus
on actions
on each other
reality blurred...and dark blur
words transformed into weapons
the battle would rage
more beer consumed
deeper into the darkness
finally
she was gone
we asked where she went
he just shook his head and pointed to the basement door.
she went down there
we walked down the stairs
apprehensive
calling her name
no response
down
until i saw her feet
in midair
my face became hot and flush
i froze and called her name
then ran, stumbling, down the stairs
we both ran
up to her, while calling out for help
each grabbed a leg
then she moved in response
somehow she removed the belt from around her neck (under her chin)
and let herself down
with our help
then it fades again
truth hurts
june 24 2007
reviewing the past
viewing the present
considering the future
but
focusing
on the moment
the key to the future
is in the present
being in the moment
june 20 2007
as the words cascade softly down from the singular paradise that is jimsimonson.info
touch me on that soft underbelly
that is my brain
run the torn edge of your nail across my eye
lovingly
and with vigor
june 17 2007