begin
here and read down...(my life in reverse)
september 1 2010
words are kinda like toys
you can stack them up this way
and that
you can arrange them into different shapes
step back and have a look
maybe even take a photograph of them
or
get some paints out and have at them
though
once you are done
you should take them over to the sink
and wash them off
or they might smell later
and get sticky
...........................................................
facebook takes my words and eats them
such as
i was peeling the layers away
only to reveal
my essence
quintessence actually
that revelation
it's impact
was life affirming
not life changing
not that act
no
not that
but rather
just another step
so what do i do?
i take them back
dig them out of the heap that is "recent activity"
brush them off a bit
and post them here
just some food for thought
august 29 2010
i have not been here for awhile
i tend to type my useless drivel on facebook anymore
interesting
i read in my most recent issue of wired mag
that the web is dead
meaning
we don't wander the netherworld that is the web
but rather
we funnel ourselves (or are funneled) into the facebooks
as social butterflies
we are drawn to certain lights
when there was darkness
we searched
seems, for many
the search is over
we mearly hover near the social scene light
i seem to reflect that
though
occassionally
i wander back into the dark
here that is
to put up another snippet of paper
a little note
on a wall
in a bottle
then head back
wondering
if anyone ever does see what i have placed out there
is there another mary
august 3 2010
talking about likes and dislikes
as it pertains to art
specifically
music or visual
i am of the belief
there is no good or bad
as long as a person i creating
is pulling from the heart
as long as it is not pretentious
as long as they are not trying to create something
that they think others would want
but rather
that they are pulling from their own soul
then
i can not judge it
i can like or dislike
but that does not make it any more or less
the beauty stands alone
in the creation
it is not for me to judge
only
to like or not
an example
if judge james brown were to be judged by committee
and based upon that judgement
he was to be heard or not
judging his voice
his look
his lyrics
well
we might not have heard of him
but
fortunately
he was not
he just moved forward
singing, dancing his art
to anyone who might listen
and listen they did
so if they are creating
then they should be applauded
for that alone
august 2 2010
so here i am
back again
time on my hands
but with a head
empty
of words
i blame it on this
or that
maybe
because
just because
there is not mirror around
to see the real culprit
is it the lack of words
or
the lack of attention
to the moment
to the words
too busy to slow down
to think
ponder
move from reaction
to
deliberation
here
right here
right now
the words come out simultaneously
in my mind
as i type
a deliberate result
of me opening notepad
my little piece of virtual paper
i have to admit
even though i am sitting here typing
i am also looking at the work of trish noble
modelography
a wonderful visual story teller
someone
who is an inspiration
who's work inspires me to continue
with my own search
not copy
but
to emulate
which
is a good thing
i think (and so i am)
july 20 2010
yesterday
was one step closer to a new beginning
a closing (almost) of one chapter of my life
and
an opportunity to open another
yes
an opportunity
nothing is a given
so even though i am not rushing into the breach
i am smiling
while looking into the horizon
it is all downhill from here
so grab a piece of cardboard
or plastic
or some kinda saucer
and let's see what the ride is like
july 18 2010
a few things below
in response to a question on religion and self
free
will
is
the
kicker
isn't
it
i try to follow buddhist teaching for understanding my life, self and
how to maneuver on the path that i follow
don't really worry about the religious side of that (as gotama's
preaching seemed to question this as well)
like you i was brought up in the church
the lutheran here
the lords prayer is my mantra
i find beauty in some of those teachings
those words
free will tells us there is not security
i some times think security equates to complacency
and complacency equates to a slow painless death
as a great thinker once said
if i were to chose between pain and nothing
i would choose pain
good luck on your journey
..........................................
if i have one wish
it is this
to one day have the opportunity to get a motorcycle
and be able to take a trip
a long trip my camera
a sleeping bag
and off i go
following the beauty
in search of that one thing
or should i say
that next thing
that next destination finding what?
that out side of me
or me
self
could that be the ultimate destination
and one other thing
to leave a trail behind for others
for those i love
that long long painting that wraps all the way around your room
that would be nice
..................................
for those in affluent familys with parents who have been
taught skills and methods of remaining at that level of society there
are fewer choices.
what i mean is they do not have the choice of whether or not they will
go to college but just which college. even topic is narrowed as the
parents
know those which one will gain the most (upper level medical,
financial, legal, political). once the child is endoctrinated they can
move forward
with less difficulty than that person who has not had that direction.
so based upon a recent "conversation" i had i thought i might offer up
a couple alternatives if one is not in the above category.
judge this:
i am an early teen girl who has the looks and height that the modeling
world has to offer. my grades are ok and i really have no other
interests
than music, being with my friends and, sometimes, boys. my mother has
discovered that if we participate in the teen pageant circuit that my
options are increased many times. if i succeed and am able to make a
living with this i can expect an upper 5 to lower 6 digit income for a
few years
i am an early teen boy who always looked up to those big tuff guys with
envy. i am good looking but not very tall. my grades are ok and i
really
have no other interests than hanging with my friends, not much for
music and though i like girls i am very shy. if i really work on the
weights,
watch my diet, and use dietary suppliments to legally enhance my
physique i can expect to win local and national contests. if i succeed
and
am able to make a living training, managing at a gym i can expect an
upper 5 digit income for a number of years
i am an early teen boy who comes from a mid/lower income family and
neighborhood. i have always looked up to professional sports figures.
i am pretty agile myself. my grades are ok and i really have no other
interests than hanging with my friends, listening to music, and girls.
if i
can focus on sports and succeed i can expect to go to college on a
sport scholarship where the pro scouts will find me and i can expect to
make living playing for a number of years then part of the organization
after. i can expect an mid/lower 6 digt income for a few years then a
mid/upper 5 digit once i am on the organization as support
i am an early teen boy/girl who comes from a mid/lower income family in
a rural/urban neighborhood. i have been taught that i am special
because
i am an american and that i should revere those who were in the
military and gave their lives for us and that it is america right or
wrong. my grades
are ok. i am thinking about the military myself. my grades are ok and i
really have no other interests than playing video games, hanging with
my
buddies and girls, though i am kinda shy. a lot of people are out of
work where i live. if i join and succeed i won't make a lot of money
but i will have
a job for awhile, with a roof over my head and my health benefits paid
for. of course in this day there are plenty of places for me to go
around the world.
besides combat i will learn other skills for the time that i return
such as electronics or mechanical. i can expect to make lower mid 5
digit income once i have returned
i am an early teen boy/girl who comes from a mid/lower income family in
a rural/urban neighborhood. i have really not had a lot of direction at
home,
both my parents work and tend to be tired when they get home. school is
boring. my grades are ok but i really don't know what i want to do.
i will try to find a job. maybe at a fast food restaurant or at a
walmart or bestbuy or somewhere like that. i will expect to make lower
5 digit income
so it will be difficult to move out of my parents house and if i do i
really wont have any money left over to even think about school though
i really
don't know what i want to do anyway.
i find it difficult to judge those who make life decisions as i am not
them. i just hope that they have considered all of their options
(if they are able to have access to said options)
...........................
film
the intestines of a camera
it's experiences
all strung up
for all to see
all of those stories
yet to be told
yet to be developed
july 8 2010
i am like nature
i have no heart
although i am filled with love
and yet again
or
part three
my enemy is inertia
laziness
complacency
a lack of talent
a perceived lack of talent
doubt
my enemy is myself
my friend, my strength
begins with the awareness of just who my enemy is
add perseverance
persistance
don't worry about those two steps backward
just look forward
be a salmon
keeping moving forward
be in the moment
understand the journey is the key
but
don't lose sight of the horizon
balance is being here
and now
but
looking out
into that horizon
evey now and then
concentrate
meditate
look inward
be part of
it
there is where strength begins
center
knowing
it is part of us
with in our grasp
though it is difficult to attain
it is attainable
breathe in
contract those abdominal muscles
center your strength
understand self
now
then
know your enemy
embrace your self
....................................
back in the mid seventies
i would listen to dylan
tomorrow is such a long time
the lyrics, the words
normally i am not a lyrics sorta guy
but those struck me
they were about you
in my mind
the one thing
i did not see your face
i knew you were there
but i did not see you
that has not changed
except for this one time
as close is it could have come
to being you
but i am not so sure
though there is that doubt
you
being like me
pulled back
and being me
i did also
not sure though
if that was you
or
something fooling my heart
so i sit here, from time to time
and think
wonder
where you are
might be
or
might never be
tomorrow is such a long time
.............................
so much to say
so little mind
it seems sometimes that i am my own worse enemy
(i'm just saying)
i guess that is part of life
the struggle
that comes with growth
seeing one's failings
i feel weak
and yet i have been working without stopping
for 40 years now
straight
i have worn a lot of hats
learned numerous skill sets
33 of those years with the same company
again
wearing a lot of hats
i am fortunate
still
i want to be a better person
a better father
i want to work on my art
photography
graphic work
writing (let the words out)
but to accomplish
i need more focus
strength
got any extra? (i'm just asking)
june 27 2010
in recent weeks i have been busy
that is
with my camera
it all began with my idea for a shoot
portraits
ask three questions
to evoke facial expression
well
that is going well
but one thing i was not expecting
are the side projects
i feel my skill sets are developing
no where near where i would like to be
can be
and will be
yesterday
at davis junction lauren and i went to see, hear and shoot
the avatars
this is a gig with 4 acts
we go there before any started
the avatars were the last band to play
so i got to shot alot
the moment and the avatars both had great stage presence
that helps me
brings me into the moment
the emotion of the music
once in that rythm it seems like i have a better chance of catching
their emotion
i felt as though i succeeded with that yesterday
june 27 2010
actually this was written some time back
i felt i should capture it here
there are things that i do
behavior patterns
that i really dislike
such as
when a conversation goes on
some talks on a subject that i have some experience
however limited
or rather
removed timewise
that i seem to need to show my level of understanding
or
that i seem to feel the need to show my intimate understanding of
always proving myself
not necessarily showing someone up
but just proving self
it drives me nuts
well, maybe i am already there and am waiting for a cab
many times
the words/response is out before i catch myself
then they are followed by this internal ass kicking
i mean a mental kick in the ass
a "when will you ever learn" sort
.....hold on, i have to get that
june 19 2010
facebook
i have come to find that the few words i once scribble here
seem to have become fewer
because they end up smeared on the wall
on facebook
the thing is
i don't feel the connection there
this is me
facebook is just this place
like walking into a room
with a number of people
you know to varying degree
i am a voyeur
to i like to people watch
but that doesn't necessarilly mean i want to spend much time with them
because that conversation tends to be endlessly shallow
at least
not where my interests lay
so
aware of that
i am here
now
writing this
welcome back
june 6 2010
now is not the right time
then again
it never is the right time
something always in the way
some reason
work
financial (that's a big one over the last few years)
the normal fear
compatability
intellectual
spirtitual
physical attraction
so on so forth
seems to be no such thing as friends
always more
balance
or a lack of
timing
usually poor timing leads that race
wramble on my friend....
may 24 2010
yours are the words
that i listen to
and from those words
come my own
yours are the ideas
that i hear
and understand
and from those ideas
i formulate my own
not mimic
but
are inspired by
the drive me
to be better
i am the ripple
i am not the splash
but
i come from the splash
the splash creates me
and sends me out
to influence the lake itself
or the pool
or the ocean
not the origin
but
from the origin
that is what your words do to me
when i listen
may 20 2010
me: mam, can the words come out and play?
her: no jim
me: why not?
her: because
me: because why?
her: because you mix them all up
and
you make them do things they are not made to do
me: oh
her: and until you can learn to play with them the right way
they cannot come out to play with you
me: oh, ok
so later that night i get them to sneak out the window
and we had a great time
she don't know no better
i mean
what are words for then
if not to make them do what you want them to do
---------------------------------
hey there little kitty cat
if you had wings
you'd be a bat
but no wings do you have
so you are just a kitty cat
i hope that doesnt make you sad
little kitty cat
may 19 2010
so i have this idea
draw or paint a sheep
give it a name
teabagger
cute name
ok
tea for short
cute little feller
he, she , it is a symbol
an idol
for this movement
for people who are tired
tired of thinking
tired of complexity
tired of making up their own minds
so the people in this movement
give their lives up to the fox
another symbol
another idol, of sorts
this creature gives them what they want
simplicity
black and white
or would that be
white and black (or at least that which is not white)
this creature gives them security
with a just a little fear added for good measure
fear of that
which is not them
so tea
the sheep
follows the fox
separate
or wishing it were
back in the simple time
back when life was better
when it was just them
when the sky was blue
and the breeze warm
and they did not have to think
but one thing they do not know
these sheep
is
that the fox was once in the henhouse
but we wont talk about that
so draw or paint that sheep
set it on the mantle
and look at it
long
hard
and wonder
what you really want
may 2 2010
i stumbled upon the piece below while i was cleaning out files on my little digital recorder
-----------------
infatuation can dress it self up
to look like love
it will dance around you
tease you
make you believe things
that are not
that you are not
mocking you
however lovingly
may 1 2010
it has been a long while
in mid 2007 i was in this certain place
a good place
a creative place
free of obstructions, for the most part
then something happened
a change
i let things change
i jumped into the change
i gave up what i had
thinking
i had something better
much better
but, after a time, that ended
for 9 mos after
i did hard time (inside)
even after that
there was residual from the change
i found it near to impossible to get back to that place
a certain self center
seemed lost
april 20 2010
take care little wing
so looking out
into the horizon
considering what i see
in my mind
i come to realize
i knew you
just to think
all of these years
off of this time
here i wondered
and yet
there you were
why didn't you say something?
should just told me
hope
well
i'll be....
you look taller in my dreams
then again
in the darkness
and the storm of doubt
in the sea of uncertainty
we all look a bit different
april 19 2010
my weakness is accentuated by the strength of my conviction
april 19 2010
and on and on
so did i tell you about my idea
i little vision
photograph a number of people
individually
a portrait session
white backdrop
chair or bench to sit on
as we begin
i will ask three questions
first
what do you enjoy doing with your time
second
what are you passionate about
third
tell us something most people don't know about you
as we talk
as they respond
i attempt to capture those moments
in portrait
as well
i have a spiral notebook
i capture some of the responses
details, name...so on so forth
i am planning on beginning either this friday afternoon after
work
or on monday, after work
in my mind
i see images in black and white
captured expressions
maybe with text included
what do you think?
april 18 2010
i always wonder why
when there are people around
i go into this odd mode
of not knowing what to do
other than
perform or serve
i am comfortable when i am doing something
making something
cooking
cleaning
if i am doing that
i feel i am fitting in
except that
it is obvious to me
that i am separating myself
which is good (to understand)
except
it begs the question
should i continue
or
should i be doing something different
april 4 2010
circling the airport
waiting
modest mouse singing in my ears
dancing in my eyes
wondering
when will the wait end
what will be the next step
will it involve freecell
or
will that end
as a sign of change
what will be ushered in
i am excited
and at the same time
bored
it has been so long
walking forward
circling
round and round
seeing the same things
only time
and the weather
changing
one thing
i have learned patience
or
could that be
i have a given up hope
oh look
there goes another bird
april 3 2010
this is my first edit using seamonkey
after my last "crash" i have been using openoffice writer
well
when i type into the doc i see what i want to see
but
when i upload into my site
i see much greater line spacing
when i look at the code
i see writer puts a paragraph
where there should be a line break
so this last run i manually edited each line
today i did a search for free editors
komodo ranks the highest on about.com
but it is strickly code editing
i want wysiwyg as well
my stuff is simple
i want to see it as i build it
so here we go
march 11 2010
some
times it seems like it never ends
i mean
it seems like i will
never see relief
not total relief
once one person or another
gets what they want from me
another comes along
if i am going
to give
i want to give to my girls
my tribe
not some ex
not
someone who never put into it financially what they expect
back
out from it
so much for society saying it is ok to continue to
take from me
then again
i am given much more
just not from
those people
being human
i tend to still bitch
when i can be
focused on the now
the present
be in the moment
be thankful
for what i have
i am so fortunate
blessed
so i'll stop
bitching now
and just experience
here
now
march 8 2010
i
had this thought revelation?
i
am alpha
i
have been told that since i was a young person that
i am a leader
the
only issue i have with that is
early
on that feeling of low
self esteem and also
a feeling of awkwardness in social
settings
one
which i related to the first feeling that
of low self esteem
so, i recent years, the self
worth has grown matured my
work
has
put
me
in
the
middle
of
social
settings
where
i
have
found
preparation and
a
mix of self
expression have
been skill sets which have
flattened that feeling
but
i
still find when i am not in an "official" social setting
i
don't feel a part of the fabric
actually
i
specifically feel apart
different
so
i think this is a maturing
of sorts
it
is ok not to belong
i dont have to try to make
it otherwise
does not mean i need to be
separate
just
that it
is ok
and where are those with whom i
might feel akin to?
uh
oh
they
must not live around here
and that is
ok
read
watch
find
self
understand
grow
february 26 2010
reasons/excuses
for not writing or posting here
work has been busy
i have been ill at ease this time of year
winter?
nothing in my life worth writing
i joined the health club
i am reading a couple books
the winter olympics
and on
and on
none make any real sense to me
the only one that does
is
lazy
and i have felt that way
in a sense
i call it lack or lost muse
no matter
im not posting as i probably could
when i do
you will be the first to know
february 4 2010
chipping away at the flint
trying
to catch that spark
still
it may take some more chipping
it may take another piece of flint
it may take some luck
no luck please
on my arm
i wear the pain
in my heart
i look for gain
where there is none
so i continue to search
i continue to chip
here i am
chipping away at the flint
looking
for that spark
december 30 2009
watching patti smith (pov:dream of life)
i could not help but think of pj harvey
two women not the same
but
similar
each
so deep
self defining
earlier today i was listening to a program on my favorite internet radio station
the djs spend some time at the end of the year talking about music over the last year
releases.events.concerts...etc
one thing they were talking about were disappointments the dj's had
disappointments regarding music certain musicians had put out in '09
well, one dj talked about his unhappiness with the recent works of pj harvey
including her recent collaborations with john parish
ok, i can appreciate that
but
he then went on to say that she NEEDS to go back to the music forms that he liked
her rock and roll works
that is where we parted
that is where i disagree
let me say this
i LOVE this radio station
i hear works from artists i never otherwise would
there is music
artists
sets that i just LOVE
that they play
also
there is music,
artists,
and sets that cause me to turn to another station
because
the music, or set is sooo repulisive to me
that is what i LOVE about that station
i don't want them to only feed me what i have come to love
i want them to expose me to new and different work
if i dont like, well, i can fucking change that day
there are plenty of people who are loving that putrid shit i don't care for
a larger pallet then i care for
that is wonderful
pj....and patti
keeping playing what comes from your heart
from your soul
if i like it, great
if not, great
don't let me, or some fucking dj define you
you define you
follow that which inspires you
as such
you inspire me
you inspire me to search for more of that which i call beauty
you inspire me
when so much of the time, i am not
thank you
december 24 2009
so
goes the weather
as a reflection of my
interior
grey
cloudy
drizzle
rain in december
not
bad
not down
not sad
but grey
empty
the only
glimpse of color
is
with my girls
my thoughts have been
with someone recently
curious
but fearful
thoughts of
her
turn to
thoughts of another
the one
are these
thoughts a waste of time
i tend to think big picture
when i
should just think
or be
in the moment
just have some
fun
but my failing is
that i don't
in the short
term
i think long term
which makes me, i think
short
sighted
as well
my camera sits
i walk past it
i look
at it
i pick it up
i point it
i click it
i look at what i
have clicked
but
it is just motion
no connection
the
image
the vision
should drive the action
not the reverse
at
least
i don't think it should
when i look at what i have shot i
think
oh well
look at that
just like these words
just
words
no passion
no vision
just words
grey
a
reflection of my interior
so goes the weather
for
now
december 16 2009
as
(ashes of time: redux) plays in the background
i have to
ask
did you feel that?
i know it was just
a
dream
but
it seemed more than
just
a
dream
the wet warmth of our mouths,
together
one
that overwhelming of senses
were you
there to?
it seems you must
have been
or
was
it a shadow of
the
other
night
the feeling as i held you
as
we
held
each
other
(separate,
but
not)
when you took my
hand
i did try to hold back (emotionally)
keep
my
distance
and i did to some extent
we parted
without really saying anything
not even a good night, really
was
it just me?
or
were
you
holding
back
as
well
until later in my dream (our)
it began
with that feeling of your body
against
mine
no
actually, i was next to you
looking
at
you
you
looking back
smiling
that smile
so inviting
then
your mouth
inviting mine to join it
to become one
share
explore
wet,
warm
breath
escaping
through our lips
as our tongues taste each other
as
they
danced
that
erotic
feast
so
were
you
there?
my dream ended
no
faded
not
long
after
it
began
my
last (fading) memory
was falling deep into
you
into
the
moment
was there where you left off?
or
was there more that i missed?
i know it was just a
dream
but you have to tell me
did
you
feel
it?
were you there?
(ending
with falling in - donkey boy)
december 16 2009
dear
diary..i guess
one more day
and i am off for the rest of
the year
so
friday it is avatar with ron and
jeff
saturday it is an early christmas for the girls
have
also invited some relatives over for some shredded chicken sandwiches
n other goodies
then lazy time
maybe a madison trip
with abby
some pics
something to eat
fun stuff, you
know
maybe
just maybe
the muse spark
maybe?
11.24.09
someone
once told me i answered questions
in written form
that my
answers were poetic
that is the way i wrote
not a conscious
effort on my part
painting the answer with emotional tones
it
is just how my thoughts came out
just the natural cadence
when
i answer verbally
for whatever reason
the wording is more
clinical
technical
precise expressions
painting the
realistic answer
photographic
like directions
don't want to
mislead
and get you lost
on another thought
in another
direction
met this guy in rockford
dave decastris
graphic
designer who is also a big music fan
pretty cool guy
recently
discovered that this guy is a musician
songwriter as well
check
him out
http://donkeyboyusa.com/
as well
check out these
guys
dave is interviewed here
recently
http://sockmonkeysound.com/
some good stuff to be
heard here
speaking of interesting
no, not you
some
really good shit on youtube
i know, i know if you look
had
this request to add
she is really fucking
interesting
http://www.youtube.com/user/readymade777
damn
talented
my kinda talent that is
ok
im done now
november 15 2009
maybe
there is something in the air
change
doubt
not sure
twice
in the last week
there have been discussions about
relationships
concerns
different parts of the world
not
sure how i fit in
besides my kids
i don't have personal
relationships
good/bad/or otherwise
not sure if i can
be of help
or offer the correct perspective
for me it is
do
what i want
what is important?
find self
be a better
person
keep on my path
not sure that those concepts fly in
multi person situations beyond the personal level
and so it
goes
november 13 2009
back
on it
i think my tv is evil
i mean
no tv for years
then this one
and next thing
i don't write
so that
is my excuse
if not for the screen
and my netflix
i
would be
last night
i thought i might give the thing to
abby and jude
lo has a 32
instead
i think i will work on
self control
now
i have been working ALOT
maybe if there
were not tv
i still would not be productive
in the artistic
sense
not sure
at least these words fell out
october
21 2009
once
i need some music to cleanse my soul
i
need something passionate
to life me up
eyes closed
heart
open
once
let me think
to let me feel
to
become one
once
october 20 2009
he
busted her man
yeah
he took her heart and threw it against the
wall
just to see what it would do
nope
it didn't go
splat
instead
to his amazement
it shattered
like
glass
fuck
he thought
im glad i did that
else ida
never known that was possible
in love
there are endless
possibilities
october 17 2009
dear diary
yesterday
was a long day
the trucks began untarping at 10 am
the
riggers begain their work of unloading around noon
the last piece
was set in place about 6:30 pm
i got home around 7:15
got
some songs from willer after i got home
songs from the little bird
cd (cory chisel/wandering sons at the fuse)
to compare with the
new cd (rca)
death won't send a letter
i like the little
bird one myself
willer was there for some of that
as he was
also laying down tracks for his last cd
bad chords
some
great memories at the fuse record studio
so i called and we
talked some
then
text talked with lauren for
awhile
she is a good kid
i am fortunate
i have 3
wonderful daughters
all made of the right stuff
all
individuals
i had a couple killian reds last night
watched
collatoral again
a very cool movie
i was in bed early
though
14 hours works this old man
i was awake at 4:30
though and up just after 5
fed the cat
had some raison
bran
back in bed by 6:30 (not much going on)
now off to
grab a bite to eat and see if the bfai is open to have a gander at
chris quillen's stuff
october 14
2009
sittin' here listening to the mavericks with carl perkins
performing matchbox
sweet
a slow day
got my 2010
calendars today
i am only unhappy with one image choice
that
is ok
i might get some of my gear from janet
the umbrella
light and background
with the weather changing maybe i'll work
on my portraits
like i said
today was a slow day
thought
about the project a little
back to it tomorrow
considered
my place/situation
some times it would be nice to have someone
in my life
but i have found that to be too complicated
mostly
me wanting out
and that one time
me falling too far
so
when it did end
it took way too long to remove myself from the
need of her
so that when i finally did
i prefer
this
looking back
i was too deep
i believe
one
should not lose themself in another
at least as i seem to have
lost myself
well, that is me looking back
after i have
closed that door
and
pounded a couple nails into
it
and
tossing the hammer in the river
so even if i do get
the urge to open the door
i cant
well then
back to
work tomorrow
my other mistress
october 6 2009
jump
one month ahead
and here we are
must not have had anything
to say
that must be my excuse
but actually that is just
an excuse
there are things to say
but
i have been too
weak, tired, lazy to say them
work has been consumming
i
did have a thought today
while at work
as each day
passes
it becomes easier/harder
as each day passes
i
become entrenched
in self
in my ways
less and less
room
for another
for you
perhaps
who ever you are
anyway
pissing in the ink black dark of my mind
my
imagination has exceeded my reality
and i know it
so i have
moved on
not expecting to be fooled anymore
fooled to
think
to believe
that there might be
as each day
passes
it becomes easier/harder
skate baby
september 8
2009
sneezing
blowing my nose
up at midnight
will be
up at 4:30
some times i look at my photos
and don't
recognize them
as my own
i lose the connection
the
familiarity
that i had
you know
look at the image
and go
back to some moment
emotion
memory
maybe it is the runny
nose
or the allergy medicine
or the recent full(fool)
moon
maybe i have a form of amnesia
maybe i will be ok
when i wake again
sneezing
blowing my nose
august 31 2009
so
what is it
about music
not all
just some though
that
reaches right into me
the beauty is piercing
if i had any
regrets
i would only have one
that is
i did not sing
enough
i did not find my song
that song
that needed to be
sung
sing
reach into your soul
and sing
i say
august 25 2009
first,
to begin with
happy birthday ali
you are 11 now
growing up
so fast
as with your sisters
i am so fortunate to watch you
grow up
develop as a person
i wish you well baby
now
i
watched a movie tonight
a documentary
when we were kings
it
revolved around the ali-foreman fight
back in '74, in zaire
the
move told of the spectacle that was the event
a fight that was
taken to africa
because it was not allowed in the usa
ali had
fallen out of grace with the government, the media and many white
people
foreman was this dark, quiet, monolith
the unstoppable
force
mowing down his victums
ali the "old" washed
out veteran
the movie spoke of the event as musical festival
back
to africa, so to speak
kings of the airwaves
black kings of the
airwaves
along side of the
kings of the ring
how well
filmed
capturing the times
capturing two captivating
personalities
ali with his wit and personality that demands
attention
foreman, the tall dark silent man
who, when he
did speak, did so in philosophical terms
misunderstood each by
most, it seems
the fight no one thought would end up the way
that it did
a cultural event that should be seen by anyone
interested in humanity as determined by the human psyche
remember, there is hope
august 21 2009
the
tickets did not show up
the rave has a no camera rule and i have
no pass
now what
besides
seems that in recent
times
i feel like that work i am doing
is not me
is
mediocre
oh, a couple here
and
a couple there
and
add to it
when i look at things others are posting
it is a
bit disheartening
so back to center
remember
it is about
finding self
about my eye
getting out what i have to say
not
worrying
or
being distracted
patience
august 16 2009
i couldn't seem to keep away
so let's see how this goes. gonna give her another go.
june 23 2009
i
think
well
i feel sometimes
like i have squandered my
life
this is not a new thought
a new feeling
just is
ongoing
reoccurring
overwhelming
woven into the fabric
of my self
sometimes i forget it
but like any other part of
myself
i bump into something
and am reminded that it is
there
thank god no one reads this
june 20 2009
the
thoughts were there/here last night
but
as has been the case
i
did not bother to capture them
listening to john trudell today
i
am reminded of the ghost of those ideas
those thoughts
i
have been in basic operational mode
self preservation
rope a
dope
all my strength in defensive posture
i was going to
sell the camera so abby can continue with school
but someone
stepped in with an offer
i assist in shoots
and use my skills
to sort and process images
for a period of time
in exchange
they will give me money
i have agreed
but even that
is
an act of another
i did not ask
she found out and came to
me
at first i rejected
but relented
i have not shot an
image in a couple weeks
no urge
i think it is part of the
mindset i am in
focus on basic things
food, bills, the girls
needs
i get back on this
june 6 2009
i
was thinking about her last night
wondering
when
i realized
i have painted over that canvas
white
blank
june 5 2009
i
think
i think poetry
is reality
stripped of the
truth
leaving only
the art behind
so
those reading poetry
might be led to believe that the pain,
or
love,
or lust,
or beautiful moment,
or whatever
other
topic evoked by the poetic message
is something to be
envied
even the sad and painful stories told
there is beauty in
sadness
but alas
if you add the grey, hopeless, mundane
reality back into that concoction
you end up with life
which
can be less than poetic
i think
june 2 2009
i
have nothing to say
so here it goes
all systems are on
energy saving mode
systems of hope that is
my work takes up
most of the creative side
at this time
when i am home
i
cook
i clean
i listen to music
i watch movies
interesting
movies
i pay my bills
i sometimes ride my bike
i
sometimes do some photography
i don't write anymore
i do
very little photo manipulation
an aspect of my artistic expression
in the past
my financial situation
a culmination of 16
years of post divorce struggle
impacted by my actions
and the
economy
press against my self worth
or feelings of
in the
past
i would be physically depressed
some times my artistic
side would respond
but now
it is not there
i took
the guitar out of the living room today
i don't play it anymore
i
don't record movies anymore
i don't make movies anymore
the
ideas are not there
i try to be in the moment
but
i am
wishing it were over
the struggle that is
it seems
years are
passing
i am in waiting mode
but there is no
time
or
rather
time is such that
i sometimes think
when
this is done
i will be past the time
to
enjoy
enjoy?
whatever
see
i have nothing to
say
but
i will persevere...wish me luck
may 19 2009
i
was thinking yesterday
and i have at other times
i
sometimes wish i were back at my last place
it was secluded
no
traffic going by
very few tennants leave by the rear entrances
the
world seemed to be frozen
or
at least
moving by at a much
slower pace
ok, so there were herb's squirrels all day
weekly
cleaning of the shells
not that it was a real problem
as
well
it was cool when the occassional squirrel would hang out on
my screen
screeching
mistaking me for another herb
i guess
we all look alike to a squirrel
then to
usually after he
had a few
there was herb himself telling me how wonderful things
are
and how he fucked his life and family up
because of his
drinking
but how he loved god's creatures
he gained much joy
from feeding those guys
they would come up and eat right out of
his hands
i got a few good pics
they did also get up on the
building
tearing shingles up from the roof trying to nest
because
the population was large
due to herbs constant feeding
i
didn't mind that place though
quiet
solitude was the ambiance
i
did not miss the world because it did not show itself to me
where
i am now
when i sit out
i watch the traffic go by
all those
people
going here
driving there
more later.....maybe
i
sometimes look for someone
not sure who
and i wonder
if they
will stop
but they don't
i liked it in the back
may 18 2009
it
has been awhile
the other night i hit the sack when thoughts
overran me
as i was
considering a movie i had watched
they,
the thoughts, came streaming out
i thought
damn you should
get up and type this up
but no
there was a time i would NOT
have missed the opportunity
but alas
no
so instead
you get this
then again it is something
a start?
don't
know
not sure
who knows
not sure i do
april 20 2009
i haven't
written for
some time so just bear with me or reach down and see if there is
something you might find amusing
i use to think that my
plate was larger
that i just never filled it properly
i was
once told energy creates more energy (in a relative sense)
in
the past
i would blame my lacking in the loss of my muse
so
now
i think it is about capacity
in recent times
my
creative side
it seems
is consumed before i get home
and
during
the night hours as i prepare for the next day
it seems
of
course
when i do get home
weary
i eat
do laundry
watch
one of my movies
or
work on one of my side projects, for
others
seems the plate is empty after that
or would that be
a glass?
as well
there is no personal muse
inspiration
but
that was not always a past requirement
it seems
maybe if i
read some more bukowski
or
maybe not
(sorry about
the mess, i'll clean up later)
march 31 2009
i
am my mother's son
as i have grown older
i see her in the
mirror
her family face
that face that, if not smiling, seems
like a frown
im not mad, really
i dont look like i did
20 years ago
my face has developed
it has chosen sides
my
mother's side won out
yay mom
mom died at the ripe old
age of 57
her father died at 82, a serious smoker
her mother
died at 99, just a couple months prior to her 100th
my mom
she
smoked all of her life
she drank as well, though not alot
she
was a cheap drunk
me
never really smoked
cept some hooch
years and years ago
not my thing
i drank on and off
i either
didnt drink anything
or
i would really party when i did
party
never cost me a job
though it did cost me some
tickets
after 2 years absitnence
i drink a couple here and
there
took me some time to mellow
but
mellow i have
i
miss my mom
i love my daughters
i wish my mom would have gotten
to meet them
she new my two older, when they were very young
my
youngest looks JUST like her when she was 4 or 5
and now
i
have her face
i wave that flag proudly
february 17 2009
jump
in
the water's fine
here/hear
read this
the song
hero Of war
the band
rise against
he said,
son,
have you see the world?
Well, what would you say
If i
said that you could?
Just carry this gun and youll even get
paid.
i said, That sounds pretty good.
black leather
boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked
alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we
learned how to fight
a hero of war
yeah thats what ill
be
and when I come home
theyll be damn proud of me
ill carry
this flag
to the grave if i must
because its flag that i
love
and a flag that i trust
i kicked in the door
i
yelled my commands
the children, they cried
but i got my man
We
took him away
a bag over his face
from his family and his
friends
they took off his clothes
they pissed in his
hands
i told them to stop
but then i joined in
we beat him
with guns
and batons not just once
but again and again
a
hero of war
yeah thats what ill be
and when i come home
theyll
be damn proud of me
ill carry this flag
to the grave if i
must
because its flag that i love
and a flag that i trust
she
walked through bullets and haze
i asked her to stop
i begged
her to stay
but she pressed on
so i lifted my gun
and i
fired away
the shells jumped through the smoke
and into the
sand
that the blood now had soaked
she collapsed with a flag in
her hand
a flag white as snow
a hero of war
is that what
the see
just medals and scars
so damn proud of me
and I
brought home that flag
now it gathers dust
but its a flag that
i love
its the only flag i trust
he said, son, have you
seen the world?
Well what would you say,
if i said that you
could?
february 16 2009
ok,
if there was anything to say
don't you think i would be saying
it?
well
actually
that bucket is empty
dry
still
so far
january 25 2009
there
are these paths
they are not invisible
but there is one
thing
we don't know which one is the one
the path down which we
travel
takes us to the place
on the journey to self
i
have watched a certain friend
a great talent
walk for awhile
down two paths
each, for a time, near each
to deviate was not
terribly difficult
my friend
talked about another person
a
person he met during his trip down the one path
the path my friend
has left
at first i heard little of this other person's choice of
paths
did he also walk a number of paths? i do not know
though
now
from what i have seen, now a couple years later
this other
person seems to be walking mainly down one path
and my
friend
firmly down another
both great talents
one made
one choice
and the other, another, different one
me
well,
i am not sure i really knew where i turned
and began walking down
this path
i tend to believe
i am far from the path i seem to
think i should be
but then again
maybe that is all
fiction
maybe
just maybe
my path
my true path
lies
right in front of me
and i just haven't opened my eyes
yep
january 22 2009
obama
or
the idea of his acheivement
or
the fact that he
is
now
our president
represents hope
or
the idea that
we begin
again
on another note
i stand here to say this one
thing
to ask this one question
dear muse, please come
home
i missy you
and i have some nice candy for you
december 14 2008
the
stream seems to have dried up
but
the stream bed is still
there
so
there is still hope
that we might again see
water
and if there is enough
we might taste the water that
flows down it
but
i think there will have to be a wait
before
that happens
november 24 2008
ok,
so here i am again
standing at the edge of the stream
all but
dried up
looking down where the ideas should be flowing
but
today there is nothing
i did dream the other night
long and
vivid
i was with you (no, not you)
we were at some family
function of yours
i felt like i was tagging along (which i am
doing in most dreams)
not sure what to or say when i see your
mom
or bob
hell
not sure what to say to you
because i
missed the part of the dream prior to this experience
so there
i am
you are talking with family
i am standing there
thinking
what do i say
do i even want to be here
it is too
hard to go back
too much was left unsaid, especially at your
end
and mine, but not for trying
i mean
the last
time you walked by me (real time)
you smirked and gave me that
"huh!" sound
you know
made close mouthed
as though
i should know something
or say something
when, in fact, i have
no idea
oh, i am back to the stream
a moment of
daydreaming
carried me away
i am in a place
a place that
i need to be
though i may not completely understand
i want
to create my art
i have ideas
but
not sure how to
execute
not sure of self (standard)
the stream is dry
but
i stand here
an attempt to influence with will
prayer is a
request
contemplation
will is the attempt to execute
hope is
an activity
realization
the horizon of the soul
too look
out
too dream
of what might be
there
i see a trickle
one little buddhist step at a time
november 6 2008
let it be known
i
am a robot
my little robot turn thing
well
it does not work
properly
i turn to the right only
around
and around
and
around i go
flailing my arms for effect
and exercise
i
am a boat
the little flat piece
under the ass end (nautical
terms)
has been broken now
for about 16 years or so
so i
float around
seeing the sights
that nature has determined i
need to see
some times they seem like reruns (nautical term)
so
what i do do (not to be confused with dog shit)
is point my camera
around
and around
and around
(next refrain...)
november 5 2008
a
new day has begun
can you smell it?
there is hope in
the air
breathe it in
deeply
october 30 2008
not much to say
i have had this
phrase
running through my mind lately
off and on
i found the love
of my life
too bad she didn't feel the same
ok, happy halloween
october 22 2008
let's
get one thing straight here
YOU WILL NOT
define who and who
is not patriotic
you do NOT have the experience
NOR
the
insight to do such a thing
ok
you can attempt, as we all have
the right
but
to do such a thing is telling of your
character
so you will NOT define me
many things have been
done in the name of patriotism
some despicable
many
honorable
to even play that game
to say what you will JUST
TO WIN ADVANTAGE
how can mccain stand for it
after he felt
the same campaign of smear pointed in his direction in 2000
how
can he sit at the same table
so much for the high road
october 20 2008
how
can i bust though this wall i have built
so i won this
photo contest today
940 some pics entered
i
am thrilled
but at the same time
as usual
to talk myself
down
i tell myself
it was not really a photographer's
contest
it was a corporate wide contest
so that makes my
entry something less deserving
though
i have this
idea
ok my most recent idea
there is a place in town
lil
coop type food store and restaurant
great natural lighting
i
told the owners that i would love to set up a spot
do
portraits
they said ok
yeah, but now i would have to figure
it out
figure what out you ask
well
how i can get past my
shy side and fucking do it
i like the idea
or at my place
i
have this wall
north facing
great lighting
maybe i
should put an add in a paper
come to my place
sit in this
chair
let me shoot your pic
i dont know
oh, i won
500 bucks
october 15 2008
i
have felt it the last couple days
yep, the song inside
it
has been sometime
i want it all the time
that song
deep
inside me
it connects me
it empowers me
deep in my
soul
when it reverberates inside
touching me
touching my
soul
(maybe it is coming FROM my soul)
if so
let it
out
let it run through me
october 13 2008
i am ready
ready and
waiting
for the inspiration
that injection of
beauty
words
touching my soul
filling me with joy
i
am
i am ready for that
inspiration which gives purpose
i
am ready
yes, and waiting
it fills me with a sadness
a
beautiful feeling
deep
blue
the voice of an angel inside
me
singing to me
our connection
is in the depth of a
soul
i wait for the refrain
for her voice to bring me
to tears
her words to disarm me
together
inspiring
me
purpose found
strength renewed
the words of patty
griffin ring true
"some days i look down
afraid i will
fall
and though the sun shines
i see nothing at all
then i
hear your sweet voice, oh
oh, come and then go, come and then
go
telling me softly
you love me so"
the tear rolls
free
october 8 2008 again
inspire me
maybe tomorrow i will find my way
october 8 2008
not much really
obama disappointed me last night (2nd debate). finger pointing politics, as usual. i am ready for a change. i thought he was offering something different. somebody must be dressing him differently in recent times. maybe the same guys who dress all the other politicians.
i am glad to see that the economy of the nation and the world is on the same track as my own personal situation. 16 years of a difficult road finally caught up this last july. the change in direction, for me, is a good one. i am poor but happy. well, at least on the path of self again.
i still think of her, or the idea of her, daily. been almost a year since we first went out. that is a unique thing in my life.
i like the kings of leon. i really find devotchka's music can be haunting to my musical soul.
september 26 2008
if
we hire mccain
we deserve everything we get
wo is us
september 24
2008
(again)
sometimes i wonder
do others have the same feeling
of self doubt
and insufficiency
at the same time completing
the tasks which i am able to
though that is my
vocation
seems
that i have failed my self
as it pertains to
self
my creative growth has been with my work
not personal
and
their really is a sense of growth
my confidence is palpable, in
that situation
the fruit is only that
not financial
the
thing that really strikes close to my heart
is
i only
have my self to offer
nothing, really, materialistic
hell
i
wont even let my lawyer change that with my divorce
the path i
have taken
is a higher one
it's results leave me with less
in
a world where more is better
more is success
i am not
worthy
outside of work
(in my own mind)
fuck
i can't
even write anything worth a shit
my photos are mediocre at
best
ok
maybe a couple decent ones
though
only a small
few look at them
there is that self doubt biting my heals
again
such is my burden
so similar to the subject in
hunger
though, i am not physically starving
i am starved
since
sandy, it is so obvious
it may take years to get back to that
place
of bliss
distanced from my own ignorance
convinced by
my own stories
september 24 2008
not a day
passes....
ok, here is a story for you
there is
this guy karl blacksoul
he tells his friend one day
you
know, that fucking mccain has been nothing but a pain in the ass
and
it really looks like that obama is going to get it anyway
so i
was thinking
i have this friend who is willing to play along
and make a buck or two
karl's friends looks oddly at him and
asks
what the hell are you talking about karl?
this is
what i am talking about, karl answered
this country is racked
with debt anyway
we really haven't made a killing since
enron
we get a couple of my friends to walk down the same path
as bear stearns
except these are big players
they say the
hit will be HUGE and they ask the government to step in and help
out
but once the government sees the books they'll see
everything is cooked and catch them in their bullshit
wait,
just listen, says old blacksoul
first
i got a couple guys
on the inside willing to make something on this and are with me as
far as mccain and obama is concerned
ok
so these guys go to
congress and plead their case
congress says bullshit
so
now a couple more players come in to play in the next few days
same
story
oh, and this is great, they say the system is so
complicated, and for legal reasons, they can't tell congress just
exactly what the bad paper is
ok you got me going now, karl's
buddy chimes
now my guys on the inside step in
agree
with the players, yep, the problem is way too big NOT to give them
money
why, congress asks. well it is so big we can't even tell
you how bad except that everybody will suffer. people jumping off
buildings, loss of life and no more cable or internet, just for
starts
oh shit, congress says, but how do we sell this
ok,
good, our inside guys say. hold some public hearings, sound
REALLY
pissed that we are asking to pay these guys off, give us a hard time
and drag it all over a couple days or maybe a week or two.
ok,
congress says, we can work on our oratory skills in public
yeah
yeah our guys say, you got it.
karl stops smiling
what?
his buddy says.
well, these guys are all buying this scam.
our players think they are just making a buck. congress get sucked
into the politics super hero side. our inside guys get some
retirement stash and no one knows the REAL scam.
and that is?
the friend asks with head tilted
that no matter who is the
next president, that smart ass obama or that dumbass mccain, they are
FUCKED form as long as they could EVER hope to be president. talk
about death a destruction! that'll teach those fuckers from fucking
with karl blackheart. you woulda thought mccain would have learned
SOMETHING from the keating five.
damn, karl's friend says
looking adoringly at him, you really are a god.
not really, i
just like to have fun in a big way.
come on let's run over
and get us a bourbon.
yeah.
september 19
2009
first, catch up
thursday morning i was brought into a
meeting
big project
short notice
12/31 end date
whew
at
least my portion MUST be completed by that date
thank god i took
today as vacation
cuz the rest is gone now
exciting
never
done anything like this before
magnitude
scope
time frame
im
thinkin' were gonna have some fun
since
i moved into this place
i now have cable (basic)
cuz of my
internet (10 bucks more for the basic)
i am watching pbs
again
quality information
i watched POV tonight, first
time
calavera highway
you should all do the same
or go to
the website
you can stream it
outstanding documentary
makes
one look inside
things are looking up
the only thing about
looking up
besides a sore neck
is the risk of some bird taking
a shit on your face
besides that
and the sore neck
things
are looking up
oh,
did i tell you that lauren and i did lunch today
she wanted to go
to panera bread
yummy
tomorrow morning
take the bike,
with camera, down to the farmer's market
hmmmmm
brat or taco
for late breakfast?
then drag the 40 out later to the cruise
night burnout pit i think
fun fun fun till her daddy took the
t-bird awayyyyyyyyy........
september 17
2008
pondering my existence
pandering my thoughts
why
i
ask
why
tonight
on one subject
i am sure
now
let
me explain something
sure, i am not
for the most part
i
question everything as it relates to me
actually
i doubt
everything, as it relates to me
doubt was sown into the fabric of
my being
at a young age
it is part of me
it has become me
i
find it difficult even
to image
removing that aspect of
self
so
when i say i am sure
it is note worthy
so
today
tonight, actually
i had the thought
to say to my
superior
tomorrow possibly
if you want success
if you
really want dramatic success
then
you need to let me
go
assemble my team
draw my plan
and step aside
minimize
my constraints
as they relate to your structure
just keep your
gaze upon my activities
because
i will succeed
so
when
i say this
you can believe it
most do not doubt my intellect
as
a matter of fact
many give me too much credit
expect too much
of me
which adds, personally, to my own self doubt
as i tend to
believe
most are too easily swayed
so off i go
to bed
to
ponder
and maybe tomorrow
to pander
wish me luck baby
september 15 2008
happy birthday lauren (21) whew. now you can drink (legally)
on another subject
there is not growth without pain
so, in the absence of pain and joy
in the midst of banal existence
what lies ahead?
september 9 2008
funny
how an email spam ended up renewing communications
now
sarah
and i are talking art, life and religion
and
jay and i
politics (although this IS that time of the year)
and
joane
tells me about her trip to hong kong to see her son who moved there
after the first of the year
finally
ellen answered some
questions i had regarding her
art
inspiration
connection
form
choice
so on so
forth
ok
prior to the spam i had sent ellen the email with
the 4 questions
but
timing keeps it relevant
with
out the spam
i have been without muse
though
i blame that
mostly on my allergies and allergy meds
pollen has kept me off
my bike, at least out of the country on my bike
i had an episode
where i was heading out west of town
i stopped and ran into a
field for some pics
i was in a pollen nest, of sorts
i got out
of the field and continued west
another mile or so
damn, it was
NOT getting any better
seemed like it was getting worse
sneezing
constantly
could hardly see
throat itched, inside and out
i
took another pill, yep i carried some with
still
i turned
around
i had 5 miles back country roads
and a couple non
country
so i get home and go into the bathroom
my eyes were
close to completely swollen shut
and my eyes, the whites, were
blood red
oops
i jumped into the shower
had a bite to
eat
layed down on the couch
3.5 hours later....fuck
i
was not feeling good the rest of the day
i can't remember that
happening before
so anyway
yeah
not feeling inspired in
general
i blame life
i blame self
and
i blame those
damn allergies
i think i will be looking me entire life
for
my place
what a trip
with out going anywhere
really
august 29 2008
i
wrote this on friday
it fell off
i wonder
to get a
glimpse
:read: hunger;knut hamsun
:watch: the hurricane
saw
the hurricane
the mindset of carter had
to separate himself
from
by being/living opposite
stay in the cell
reverse
hours
read
meditate
isolate
i am akin to that
the
survival plan
some times
i feel like i am in the wrong
place
i cannot escape from
so
i escape within
i turn
inward
i conform not to draw attention
the difference in
hurricane's story and mine
is
in mine there is no social
salvation
stranger in a strange land
'cept
unlike
valentine
mine is not obvious
'cept to me
i have been
fooled
but not for long
use to think i was shy
but
it is
not shy as much
as it is understanding of difference
not
understanding why
just understanding
i feel true self at
times
strength wells up
but it passes
i do not know
so i
am
that one thread
difference
has been the one common
thread
throughout my life
on my bikes (moto)
i felt
something familiar
of self
freedom
that's it
i am the
lion who
who has not roared in a very long time
in the zoo
time
and space have left me wounded
(what do i mean by that?)
time
and space, in my opinion
play a large part in "luck"
in
a free will/random universe it points less
of intent than in
a
moment and a place
think about it
if you are able
if not, i
understand
my mistakes have been many
my accomplishments
have been few
i can be eloquent
and yet
i am
tongue
tied
around
my daughters
my love (at first and again
later)
if i feel secure
i can speak openly
but like that shy
creature
i can pull back
and
close
fuck
to think,
for a second
she might exist
dumbass
i am such a fool
it
eats at me, at times
such as this time, this moment
i saw a
hummingbird today
hovering at the evergreen tree
in front of my
place
for just a moment
almost...it seemed
until it caught
my attention
i stared
it stared back
hover
then
gone
across
the lot
up over a tree
gone
leaving me to wonder
and i
did
as i was writing this all down
later
some
sparrows flew in and around that same evergreen
one
made a wide
pattern
a much wider circle
and flew right into my patio door
window
hit the deck
stumbled
she/he jumped up
fluttered
it's wings
shook off it's mistake
all the while
looking at
me, looking at it
a couple seconds pass
and off it
went
...phewwwww..............
gone
the other night
abby
came out and asked me to turn the music down
*nin live dvd
playing
which i did
the next day
i joked about that fact.
abby it was probably due to my being "old" and harder of
hearing.
but
i have always played my music too loud, when i
could and when it struck me...when the mood struck
i thought
that i probably drown myself in sound. in music.
but drown is not
the right term.
drown implied something which is
overwhelming
something one resists
not the case with music
me
and music
music and me
i wrap music around myself. i do this
willingly
at some point
at some volume level
we merge
this
is not with all music, mind you
this is not with all moods
but
when it does happen
when the music and my soul merge/unite
when
i feel my self well up from within
i am in this place
a
different place
a different level of self
full of
music
nirvana, the same
sine wave
or
some sinve wave in
concert with an aspect of the universe
stop here.....
august 26 2008
i
had a dream
interesting things, dreams
i liken them to a part
of reality
which occasionally escapes
slides out from the sub
consciousness
painting pictures where ever it goes
this
dream was like that
one of much beauty
with a pallet of many
wonderful colors
colors bathing my subconscious self in
light
then again
if i think about it
if you think about
a hernia
that also is something which escapes
ah
a
better analogy
as i took this dream
this herniated part of
self
and stuffed it back in
and sowed that weakness back
up
yeah, a little tender but better in the long
term
------------------------------------------------
some
negative reflections communicated in poetic form
i run through
the forest spreading the flame of rage where ever i go
catching
the leaves and dried wood ablaze in my wake
the leaves and
kindling
feeling my own flame of desire
needing to share
they
run to the trees and small bushes
holding their hands
spinning
around them
dancing gaily
their flames of joy rushing up the
sides
engulfing, before long, the entire forest
oh look at
it
so beautiful
so hot
dancing, leaping so high
reaching
up to the heavens
calling out
come here and play with us
dance
our dance of love
oh
what a wonderful thing i have done
i
know
call me desire
call me mankind
august 25 2008
i have a dream
sort
of
i wish/hope that someday my work would come to be appreciated
i
do not wish/hope for fame per se
just that it is appreciated
but
things being as they are
life being as it is
timing is
important
i worry that i have waited too long to act
that i
do not possess or am not possessed with the fire
the drive
the
ethic
to push forward
i worry that i have succumbed to
life
that it has worn me down
that my fire burns too low
when
i was younger
i had the fire
but no direction
timing is
important, i think, in life
some times
i remind myself that
some did not begin their work until much later in life
but
life has it's influences
timing is important
i should not worry
about that
but i sometimes do
i don't push as i did when i was
younger
though
now i have some direction
i have a
dream
sort of
august 19 2008
be in the moment
and
fear nothing
funny thing
i am 54 this year, born in
54
i thought, leading up to this year
that it was going to
be a special year
it is
but not quite like i thought i
might
i have spent 6 plus months kind of trying to get back to
normal
after i fell totally in love
head over heels
nope,
not suppose to happen
the one and only
and yet
not
then
mounting long term cost of the divorce (years and
years)
and
the job change was a plus
a learning
experience
an opportunity for personal growth
the down turn
in the economy lead to the decision to attack my debt
(from my
first marriage, the real financial killer 16 years ago)
not
exactly what i thought
i was not able to help abby recently when
she asked for financial help
with school
but
my total
sum experiences
have left me
stronger
physically
mentally
emotionallly (not a day
passes with out sandy in my thoughts though)
intellectually
(though not enough stimulating interaction)
i am working on my
organizational and communicative skills
(even though i think i am
better than most there already)
so, nope, not exactly what i
thought it might be
though
it might be what i asked for
i
am better for it
in the end
i only really have myself to
offer
the moment
my self
my being
the journey that is
my life
august 18 2008
i
was going to write something interesting or witty today
but when i
checked in the cupboard i saw it was empty
so instead, go watch
the olympics
or something
try back tomorrow and i'll see
what i have for you then
august 16 2008
in search of
self
looking deep
reaching with eyes closed
in the
darkness
fingers stretched out
the fingers of my mind
i see
you
black as night
black as coal
but
i see you
with
eyes closed
i turn my head down
and close my mind
to return
to the darkness
of life
august 10
2008
breakfast this morning.
two slices of french toast, 3
slices of bacon, large glass or milk.
butter the toast liberally
and add maple syrup.
eat while listening to joe strummer's london
calling shows.
think about what life might be considering
your obstacles or how
you might bridge your present reality to
your proposed reality.
not sure if that is a good buddhist thing
or not. i think it is
ok to look down the road while being in the
place that you are.
i have felt recently that i have been
nudged in a different direction.
be careful what you pray for. i
think the nudge is in response to my
requests. interesting,
watching the mechanics.
tomorrow back to work. things to
consider.
august 9 2008
met abby at pstreet. i had
homemade apple pie with that
crusty top, whipped cream and milk.
abby went next door to
quiznos and got a sandwich. it was
nice.
dinner was a jacks pizza cooked in the toaster
oven.
here is the secret to a great jacks pizza (original
crust).
onion powder, garlic pepper powder, sprinkled cheddar
cheese,
slivers of butter or spread, top with parmesan
cheese.
warm the oven for 4 minutes on toaster setting, then place
pizza in a turn down to 450. cook for about 8 minutes or
until
toppings are turning your fav color. add a miller chill
and enjoy.
july 29 2006
a photo essay
july 29 2008
maybe
it is just me
i
dont know
but
i dont think so
if
you are a lover of music
off
pop
alternative
but yet
traditional sounding
you really need to
listen to mark willer
check
cdbaby out
really
he has produced two cds
dirt filled glass
and
bad
chords
eerie
melodies
raw
finely produced paintings of
sounds that mark heard
and
that you need to
speaking
of two
i
love you
a
love that reaches into places
i
have not been in so long
i
forgot they were there
a
love that comes close to breaking into need
and
stealing parts of me
that
do not belong to love
love
sweeping into those dark forgotten corners
stirring
up a damn mess
almost
making me not see you
just
the mess
love
covering itself in that mess
of
life
a
love so painful
that
i have to walk across the street before i can experience you with out
feeling your sting
and
even then
i
am not sure that the pain is love
or
just that love has dredged up the pain
and
i mistake one for the other
when
it is nothing more than something i have carried around in my nap
sack for some time
buried
so deep i forgot it was there
so
the bad thing about love
is
that it makes such a mess where there was peace
calm
tranquility
peace
does not equal love
love
does not equal peace
you
decide
and
get back to me
july 28 2008
words
from under the plank (7 days pass)
first
i was consumed by
work
hours in the day
the demand, which is invigorating
also
drained the cells
if i am completely immersed in something
i
become that
thing
it feeds upon itself
but it seems
there
is no great loss
of force
just focus
then
second
for
a financial need
the brakes are hit
not good timing (with
the divorce and all)
but when is there ever
40% goes away
not
enough coming in to match the out going
but
for some
reason
karma?
i am filled with a certain peace
formulate a
plan
long term in nature
do a bit of research
make a choice
(a pretty good one)
commit
(containment)
then
on the
other front
decide on the other part of the plan
growth?
if
there is any measure
the bikes are becoming easier and easier
to ride hard
breath in
deep
yes
no more
aching
the burn during a ride is wonderful
so, how was
your day?
good
you know you can reach me for comment
here:
rocketjim54@yahoo.com
no, i didnt think so but
there it is anyway
post script
not a day passes where she
is not in my thoughts
i still want to
call
her
or
write her
to tell her how i feel
but
like
the addict
i know i need to change my habit
so i am vigilent
or a dumb mother fucker
july 15 2008
empty
like my head
empty
like
my heart
empty
like my drive
empty
just
empty
just
a word
wait, wait there is more...
the
words spill out
like
a bag of garbage tossed out of a window of a moving vehicle
shit all over the road
making an unsightly mess
to the distain of all
passing by
that
is my legacy
wait, wait there is more...
somewhere
i discovered
an epiphany actually
that i lost
before i started
sometime
(haiku?)
wait, wait there is more...
i
speak just enough of your language to sound silly
stumble around like a kid
with some speech impediment
or
some old man
after a stroke
the
words come out
but
they do not say what was
intended
like
some person with tourette
"i
didn't mean to say that"
but
no explanation comes out
just
more fucked up words
while
you just stand there
looking
at me
with
that look
that
i am use to seeing
you
do not understand my poetry
as
it was intended
or
is it
that
i am the kid with the speech impediment
or
the old man with a stroke
or
that person with tourette
and
the joke is on me
maybe
it is just that my
reality
is
playing a kind, but cruel, joke on me
to
soften the blow
ok, i am
done
for
now
july 13 2008
i dreamt last
night
that there were people over
a problem i normally do
not have
does it have something to do with my charming
personality
or
my ability to entertain people with my wit
anyway
i can't tell you who these people
were
but
some of them have instruments
guitars
acoustic
as i remember
ok
the thing that sticks in my mind
is my
electric guitar
my esp ec50
which sits in the middle of the
room
to me
was like this certain thing
to avoid talking
about
though the connection to me was obvious
it was MY
place
i did not refer to it
nor did anyone ask about it
it
seems
so as not to embarrass me
or
my embarrassment was to
obvious
those people just avoided the subject all
together
then
the dream left that context
so
now
the question is
what is the significance of this
dream
i am sure i will forget after a period of time
isn't
time wonderful
like the ocean
it washes all signs of history
away
along the shore
time
like the ocean
seems to say
hey
that is mine
i'll tell you what is and what is not
-------------------------------
sometimes
my meanings have few words
sometimes my words have little
meaning
july 12 2008
i
had a dream the night before last
ok
i was dreaming
the dream was jumping around
like my dreams do
but
i
remember this one moment
she
was sitting on the ground
in
front of me
and
she said something
like
i miss having you
it was SO real
almost like i had received a
message
but
when i woke
oh
yes, it was brilliant in my mind
when
i realized it was just a dream
that
messages are not received
that
this message was nothing more than my desire speaking to me
in a moment of weakness
it drove a stake in my heart
when will this end
my heart is utterly
broken
it has
impacted me so dramatically
i
mean, damn
it
has been MONTHS
my
heart battles with my mind
my
mind wishes that i would go back to before that first date
when i looked
when i wondered
but
nothing
more
my
heart is not allowed to speak this outloud
but
it wants
what
we had
what i
had
what it
had
the
space that is left is huge
my
heart plays this guerilla game
sneeking
thoughts in here and there
my
mind cries out for release
from
the pain
please
let me go back to that place
before
it
was a good place
no
great highs
or
great lows
i
was creative
at
times inspired
i
thought i was at peace
it
is hard to know now
because
of that damn heart
and
so
the
battle continues
july 7 2008
i am
in this place
and my struggle
is to be
in the moment
not
in some other place
in my mind
but
it is part of an
introspection
part of which presents itself as
or dresses my
emotions up as
self
doubt
frustration
anger
listlessness
sadness
or some
combination of the previous
with some smaller components
i
find my self talking
work speak
using terms on i have
gained from my work
not a bad thing
unless
you question
the terms
as i have been
so something which happened some
months ago
and still is in my daily thoughts
and ended a few
months after it began
(does it end when i still think/feel
daily)
it all involves growth
there is always some gain
with loss
the weak side of me still wishes i were back just
prior to that moment
but there i go again
wishing to be
somewhere
i am not
it can be hard to BE
here and now
look
ahead
down the path
walk
move
always forward
never
straight (right lynn?)
always the antagonist
always the
rebel
kelly use to say i always had to move to extremes
never
happy enough
in my deepest self
ingrained from early
days
is the feeling of inadequacy
insufficient
profoundly
felt
(you will never know just how profoundly felt, really)
more
later....
june 26 2008
i began by
writing
some
real shit
so i stopped
and wrote this
much better
huh?
yeah, i thought so to
hey, look what i
wrote
"floating along like a turd in the sea of love"
my
inspiration is endless
it is only my heart that is dried up
june 23 2008
blue answered a
letter
i had written recently decrying my heart break situation
"......
well artists overanalyze - that's what they do, that's what they
gotta do....... not like shrinks and philosophers, but like poor
wounded souls with thin skin and wide eyes and maybe not enough
boundaries ..."
she is right, as i know she would be
she
is my other half
my soulwhore
and her recent addition
my
soulfucker
tough as nails with pierced souls
painting
"sigils around them in their own blood"
yes
she does
know me
and i her
as we are one
she sang me a
song
"everybody's looking for meaning
everyone's
trying to get by
some people live like they're dreaming
some
people focus and fly
and me i just sit in the back row
watching
the world passing by"
the sun continues to shine
the
moon continues pulling my heart
this way
and that
and
all this with liz phair singing "white chocolate space egg"
in the background
more meaning?
"...i'll seee
you...."
june 15 2008
when
i first set this page up
i meant it as a log
a place to put
thoughts
any kind
i thought laying down
thoughts/words
daily
would keep the pump primed
so to
speak
well
i have fits and starts
and lately
fits
is winning
no inspiration
then i reminded my self
don't
worry
just type
ok
work consumes alot of my energy
lately
the divorce is moving slowly
none of the girls
were here this weekend
ali had her cousin up
abby is up
north
lauren is mending
text messaging is great
i am
progressing slowly with my bike building project
i
have
pegs
single speed convertor
grips
seat
seat
post
disc brake set
i ordered tires, wheels and tubes
after
a closer look
i discovered my old brake mounts are welded, not
brazed
so i think i am going to leave them on
i took a few pics this weekend
flood pics here and there
the
sky was great saturday afternoon when a front came in
i
rode a fair amount today
weather was damn nice
a good
weekend considering the girls were not here
i even cleaned the
desk up
off
to bed kids
night night (oh yeah, i think of her every day)
june 2 2008
(letter from
self
living in south africa)
how are you?? i am ok, sorta
bittersweetly today, because i met someone i saw possibilities in,
but today i don't see 'em anymore, so i'm having a little
self-indulgent quiet mourning for it. gotta have the neurotic
misery factor present eh :)
otherwise ... been doing the usual
stuff i usually do
just wondered how you were doin
me
(just
how am i doing, i wonder)
(wait, with this me, there are no
possibilities)
-------------------------------------------
the words speak
for
themselves
because i really dont have anything to say
and if i
did
i really wouldnt say that
or
at least not that way
so
there is only one reason
the words speak for themselves
so
dont look at me
may 23 2008
sometimes
i think
i
would like some of that potion
i
think
i might
drink it
just
to have it not hurt anymore
but
thinking as i do
that i am insufficient
that might just prove it
so
and i
dont think i would care to do that
fuck
that
thinking
my weakness
does
not make it so
there
in lies my strength
in
my weakness
knowing
mayday 2008
touch me on that
soft
underbelly
that is my brain
run the torn edge of your nail
across my eye
lovingly
and with vigor
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
reaching into my
soul
some words take advantage of me
lending me weak
too
weak to resist
their beauty overwhelms me
in concert with a
voice
the first time
that i can remember
it was
dylan
tomorrow's such a long time
softly sung
almost
a whisper
i could feel her heart beat
i felt her love
but
i never saw her face
then two songs
sets words
which i
normally do not remember
i am not the singer of songs
the words
never remain with me
but
after the gold
rush
and
rocketman
cousins i
think
alienation
separation
me
stranger in a strange
land
but not valentine michael smith
then the void
it
seems
the void may be my present memory
angel struck a deep
and dark chord in my soul
sarah's voice takes me to a place, with
those words
that may not be the best place for me to linger
it
is sometimes hard to leave that place
when i listen
if in a
dark sad mood
she needs to be left alone
the angel can smother
me
willingly
there are others
but in recent
times
patty
trapeze
and
don't ever give up
they
carry me
the deepest beauty in my life
the richest felt
are
sad
so beautiful
that i cannot explain
it is complete
i
even stop as i type this
i am reminded
of my place in this
universe
alone
singular
not me as a social being
but
my essence
my soul
central to self
one
looking
up
with out blue
i write like a white vinyl suburban american
normal lackluster thoughtless tv watching moron
not a thought to
put together
i am the mirror of my life
the sad reflection of
mediocrity
smile for the camera
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my ideas spring
from
the fertile soil of those around me
and
of those before
me
thinking back
the library said
hey...this interests
you?
then read this author
wandering the aisles
generates
additional interest
at times the vein narrowed
when
i read vonnegut
he told me that he read catch 22
one of the
best books every written, i believe
so i read it
well, it took
at couple times before that seed rooted
one heller took me to
another
when i read a novel
i then want to understand the
author
so i spent time with him
something took me to
michener
and
salinger
and
greene
and
irving...boy
did i walk down that path
and so on and so forth
when my eye
sight dropped to the glasses need, so did my interest in reading
the
ideas are fewer
and far in between
i fell into bukowski a
couple years back
and now he has pointed me to
huxley
and
hamsun
with a side of
ohno (and so many
others)
what does this mean?
i am the result of my
experiences
mixed with some genes
toss in some bad weather
and
a couple eggs
and snippet of original thought
and put it in a
jar in cupboard for 30 years
and
voi-la'
instant......something
wish
me luck
april 30 2008
how many times
do i
need to say no
i mean, jesus, no
no means
no
right?
ok?
OK?!
alrighty then
i gotta keep workin on this one
april 29 2008
years back
i wrote
many things
the most beautiful
the most profound
were
dark
not evil deed dark
but rather
from the perspective of a
dark one
i once thought about the angel of death
a creature of
god
born or created for this reality
for a specific purpose
not
a choice
what thoughts were in that creature's mind
of death or
mayhem
no
that was no more in this creature's mind
than many
people after they have left their work
no
thoughts turn to
other things
hope
dreams of something different
better
the
only thing
this creature is removed from the rest
in a place of
darkness
shadow
doomed to wait
for that godly call
to do
the bidding of his lord
and yet
we judge the creature
for
only being what he was created to be
intended for doing god's
purpose
god's bidding
today
my thoughts are not
profound
i would know profound when i saw it
i had a college
professor tell me i thought profound thoughts
so i would
know
these have not been profound thoughts
i may have sold
my soul for less
or
i just may be tired
there is change
in my life
some may think good things
success, in a manner
i
wonder
but then again
i have always questioned
everything
i
check for the balance
could be the devotchka - how it
ends
deep dark beauty
i would know that
april 28 2008
one thing i
learned
when i was young
one thing my father taught me well was
no
you
can't
it took me a long time (way too fucking long) to overcome
that lesson
in recent times i seem to have turned that
around
specifically in my working life
i have worked on my will
to power (nietzsche)
marry that with being in the moment
(buddhism)
and i have found growth
remember being in the moment
is just that
not being anywhere else
so lately
i seem to be
fighting off the idea
the hope
and what do you think i finally
use to end that
to put that fire out
yep
no
you can't
you
are not meant for that
poof
hope is gone
thank you dad
funny
thing
i was able to be selective
not interfere with my other
growth
my self growth
key here....individual
key here
singular
april 27 2008 (again!)
i dont need you
i
know that
i am a survivor
been around for some time
i
understand myself there
but worse
i want you
what we
had
spending time
shopping
walking the
dog
cooking
making you breakfast
baths
waking next to
you
you leaning back into me
need
nah
i really dont
need anyone
it's not about need
but want
now that can be a
bitch to get rid of
april 27 2008
this is were i wear my heart on my virtual sleeve
-----------------------------------
work is my bride
i
lust for another
life
i want to cheat on my bride
but i am
no good with life
only my bride knows me
i sometimes
hate her
but she knows me
how to handle me
what i am
made of
with her
i am not awkward
i do
i hate her
i
lust for another
as well
i am pissed
for thinking that
you might really understand
no no
not at you
at myself
you
think i would have learned by now
that no one really
does
understand me, that is
----------------------------------
the more i think
about
it
you are absolutely right
it wouldn't work
i am too
different
i don't fit in
more and more
as an
individual
chances are slim for change
i will remain
that
an individual
so get use to it
move on
april 26 2008
have the others
reacted
the same way as i have
questioning if any other love was a
deep
and
as complete
as i have
do they feel
compelled
daily
to call you
just to hear your voice
maybe
that laugh of yours
the way you answer the phone with that
"hulloooow"
do they melt when they see the sparkle in
your eyes
are they pulled toward you
like the moth to the
light
like filings to a magnet
held captive
like the moon to
the earth
unable to pull away
no freedom
do they wonder
why
you will not answer their calls
as i do
shyness
or
repulsion
as when the time is passed
the experience
over
at your end
time to move on
i will never get over
you
in the sense
that i will remember how unique my reaction
was
so strong
a wonderful memory
with that little pain
that
tug at a heart spoiled by you
the touch
i have to stop
or
i fall deeper into you
or
the memory of us
april 22
2008
picture this
so
there i am
lying in a tub full of hot water
enjoying the bath
salts (thanks sandy)
head back
under water
except for my
face
eyes up
looking at my rectangular light yellow
ceiling
following the rounded corners where the tub surround
ends
and then beyond
the tight corners of the actual ceiling
itself
amusement parks on fire and bonnie prince billy playing in
the other room
when i remember
riding home today
i came
across another guy on a bike
riding toward me
as we get closer
i see he is older
75 plus, i would guess
riding a retro
bike
except
it was retro before there was retro
and he has a
light button down summer checkered shirt
and a ball cap on with
some farmer emblem across the front
turned just a little
the
bill worn at the edge
as we pass he smiles
not a tooth do i
see
he doesn't look at me long
i think i does not want to loose
his balance
after we pass i realize something
i see myself in
his face
i am close enough to where he is
in age
it
seems
that i recognize what might be my future
it was not that
many years back that an older person was foreign
a different
aspect of humanity
of which i was far removed
i remember
reading somewhere
where bukowski said something about one day
realizing he was old
there was no threshold
just a
realization
i have had that in the last couple years
with that
thought followed another
i am ready
to go
to check
out
ok
wait
before you go calling 911
it is just
a thought
a concept
not necessarily one which needs to be acted
upon
but it works with well with my own feelings
those i have
had for years
those which have driven me to attempt to change
to
better self
the feelings of not living up
yes, to the
expectations of my father (normal)
nor to those of self
i have
been my own worst critic
nothing i do is sufficient
that
feeling
insufficiency
is woven into my core of my self
i
live with it
maybe the sand in the oyster
always
irritating
but now
with time
and maybe my recent
breakup (timing?)
it comes to the forefront
and seeing that
guy
wow
i mean
clear as day
i do not want to be
there
and yet
i saw myself
there
still
i look back
up
i really like my ceiling
i should really try to shoot what i
see
capture that perspective
light
shadow
color
form
composition
maybe i'll let the tub dry first
if i think
about it
maybe tomorrow
april 20 2008
i havent had
anything to say
lately
introspection
as is usual
pushing
hope down
out
hope tends to mislead me
i wait for something
that is improbable
as well
as i push hope out
it sort of
predestines, doesn't it
also
work has my creative mind
a
growth spurt, of sorts
i am in a position of self determination
so
i must learn
plan
design
implement
execute
and see
what happens
as well
i must learn patience, to a greater
degree
some things will take some time
and so
not much to
say
the mic sits there
looking at me
wondering, i can
tell
all i can say is
patience my friend
all will come to
pass in their own time
sing to me sweet spirit
april 18
2008
i had this dream
last
night
gander and i drove to durand
though it didnt look like
durand
i remember
we stopped into this old run down place
old building
brick/stone up to about 5 feet
the windows
old
dirty
unkept
the walk to the glass door was a
cement ramp
to walk in you are met with a counter immediately
just room for people along the counter
along the top of the
counter was a glass display
with samples (plastic or ceramic) of
the foods offered
the samples had been in the case for many years
never cleaned
the paint darker than the actual food product
and covered with dust
a man came to the counter to take our
orders
he was older
his skin was dark with many deep lines
from spending alot of time in the sun
he had shoulder length
jet black hair
kind of oily
his eyes serious
he did not
really look at us
but rather
as we ordered his head was
partialy turned to voice the order to whoever was doing preparation
though
i did not see anyone
a moment later
the food
appeared
i dont remember rodney being there at that moment
we
wandered down the street
ok
this place
i called it durand
though it seems more like a combination of durand, sparta
wisconsin and other small wisconsin towns. more west. rolling hills
not flat like the south central part of the states.
people are in
the street
and the bars
we wander in and out of the bars
and
in the street
i realize we have become separated in the crowd
it
seems
the moment i realized that rodney was gone
i see people
in the street are looking into the sky
as i join the gaze i see
storm clouds
i look around
some people seem to be looking at
specific areas
cloud formations
to me
there are no
distinct storm clouds
or rolling thunderheads
nothing that
looks like a twister
awwww...never mind
i'll tell ya later
april 17 2008
first, you missed my birthday
second, how can you NOT get burnt after walking by that fire
third, hey blue
----------------------------------------
i am not a man
as
you know other men
though
i do blend in well
i have been
sitting here for so long
for the moment to pass
when i would be
called
at times
doubting
that the moment would actually come
to pass
----------------------------------------
so later in the
day
(than what i wrote below)
out steps hope again
looking a bit
different
a different approach
just to begin conversation
then
telling me
hang in there
that is the right approach
ok
so
now what
do i read into it
nah
stay the course
----------------------------------------
knowing
but not caring of the
consequences
it
seemed
there
was not only one thing growing
but
two things rather
love
and
hope
love was obvious at the
beginning
later
hope
the
shadow of love maybe
hope
is the hardest to live with
for
me
love
remembers
the
pain is beautiful
but
hope
that
is another story
in
the beginning
hope
looks forward
down
the road
plans
imagines
then
later
after
things have changed
hope
whispers in my ear
maybe
it is not as you might fear
maybe
she loves you
maybe
she just needs her time
maybe
she wants to call you
maybe
this
maybe
that
i
have opened the windows
and
doors
i
am running through my mind
with
a broom
trying
to chase her out
hope
leave
me alone
i
need to get on with it
it
is one thing to think of you each day
each
hour
a
sweet memory
a
shared experience
but
then there goes hope
putting
some twist on it
it
is too hard
well
let's
just say
i
wish i could sweep hope away
get
back to reality
that
reality i lived
painless
in
that realm
hope
has played with my heart too long
my
heart is weak
sensitive
go
be
elsewhere
april 11 2008
some times
when i
look in my dictionary
i see a word missing
i think playing
hooky would be a more appropriate word
the word is hope
some
times
i don't see hope
anywhere
no matter how hard i look
no
matter where i look
i dont see it
anywhere
other
times
bam
there it is
normally
when i am not looking for
it
fuck
i need to get another dictionary
april 8 2008
and now for
something
completely different
fading fast
free at last
back on
task
sail on sweet soul
you made my heart sing
you
made my soul yearn
im sorry
i mistook you for someone
else
i did not know
april 5 2008
ok
i changed my
mind
you need to leave now
get
go
i have things to do
i
can't stop all the time just cuz i feel you
that pang hits me in
the gut
not hard mind you, so it's ok
but
annoying
really
fucking annoying
so stop
get
out
now
go i said
leave
me alone
let me get back to things
the way they were
i liked
it that way
so go
shooosh
life is complicated enough without the likes of you around
i do like (love)
the
way you seem to dance when you walk
you do make my heart sing
but
it is too much
so go away
ok?
march 31 2008
i am off to a working conference for the next few days. if you are in milwaukee. let me know
anyhow
--------------------------------------
lying here
in the
moment
feeling the warm blood slowly streaming out of the
wound
across my chest
down each side
god
what ecstasy
so
sticky to the touch
so dark
enjoying each moment
as i recall
the beautiful moment
the knife penetrated
deep
into my
heart
fuck
no other moment like it
nirvana
the only way
to fully be in it
was to close my eyes
think of nothing
else
the intermingling of steel and tissue
my heart calling for
more
excruciating pleasure
how can one live with anything
less
remember my love
the words which brought us
together
kill me
and make me your lover
never
forget
in death
there is hope
march 31 2008
babbling brook on the springtime of life.......
so here is what
i
have
taken away from all of this
that there is a possibility
but,
in reality, not a probability
that there is a free soul out
there
looking at so many things as though for the first time
in
awe
seemingly endless curiousity
as though a butterfly is
pulled from one point
to another
not spoiled by life
a
wounded soul for sure
i live that life
but with life still
burning inside
and style
i was in a place
for a
time
where i could watch
learn
enjoy
share
before that
butterfly left me
to remain unfettered
to remain alive
to
continue
on her journey
which simultaneously
brings me
sadness
and great joy
not beauty which comes from certain forms
of sadness
deep and dark
but
the sadness of the child who
cannot have that one thing
toy
treat
and the joy
is that
warmth which came from standing next to that fire
the
memory
though for now
that memory is too close to the
reality
if not you
then none
in that very specific
sense
an experience which cannot be replicated
all others fall
enough in it's shadow
that there is little reason to look into the
shadow at all
where i thought there was nothing
there was
something
fleeting
then gone
so now
there truly is
nothing
hi ho
hi ho
off to life i go
march 28 2008
i'll do more
than you
ever will
faster
better
longer
harder
smoother
meaner
softer
but
it
still wont be enough
not for you
for me
the one person i
can't satisfy
no, not my father
but rather
myself
the son
of the father
march 28 2008
blue skies from now on
for years i have
said
it is impossible
years passed
my life and experiences
confirmed my hypothesis
then
when i least expected it
bam
there
you were
i mean shit
as though i was driving down the road
and
for whatever reason
not paying attention
too dark
going too
fast
whatever
i fell right into you
i mean FUCK
i didn't
EVEN see you coming
you arent suppose to exist
at least
the
idea of you
so for awhile
i had both
you
and the
idea
now
i have the idea
which i am trying to quietly
nudge
until i get it out
so i can get on with it
it being
my
journey
back to the calm waves
i liked it and all
no
i
loved it/you
but it is time to get back to reality
really
i
have things to do
i have to take these glasses off
to see
better
shake you, the idea
out of my head/heart
i need
to stop sending those dumb ass letters
poems
little
stories
telling of how the idea of you popped up here
or
there
stop...ha
ok
wish me luck
march 26 2008
shake ramble and
roll
i wish i were smarter
i wish i were more creative
i
wish i were stronger
i wish i were more disciplined
i wish i
were someone else
i wish i did a better job of being me
in
the longer view
in my opinion
i feel such a failure
i do not
fit in with my surroundings
my situation
i am able to fool
those around me
they seem to think i am something special
some
kind of intellectual
little to they know
no self
confidence, especially in recent times
a reafermation of my own
ineptitude
insufficient
i seem to have failed at being
me
but then
it is not over yet, is it
no, not
yet
sitting here
at the bottom
i can look up
and see
the light
hope
dream
pray for strength
continue the
battle
maybe i am just tired
there is that tree, falling in the forest again, not making a sound
march 21 2008 (a good friday)
no matter how
much i
wish
wishing does NOT make it happen
i have tested that one
so
don't even TRY to tell me otherwise
just be a salmon
and
keep moving forward
as lynn used to say
always
forward
never straight
i like that lynn
(i still do wish
though, just in case)
----------------------------------------------------
it comes right
after
me
chases me down
i never seem to learn
to be more
careful
there i am
walking in the sun
head up
feeling
good
warm
alive inside
and bam
there it is
all
over me
the battle renewed
i always seem to feel defeat at
each beginning
then i look it in the eye
and fucking dig
in
each time
i walk away
victorious
what did
they say
that which does not kill me
makes me stronger
so
come you mother fuckers
im ready
ready or not
come
on
march 21 2008
unable to live
up to
my
own expectations
i have to settle for second best....
oh
oh
the creek seems to have dried up
and i seem to have acquired a strong thirst. good timing
march 15 2008
my
strength
is my weakness
my weakness
is my strength
march 13 2008
sprite
you sneak into
my
thoughts
through out the day
i see your face
the way you
move
that smile, mischievous
those eyes, brilliant when in
the light of day
i should be sad
but i am not
even
though i have you no longer
i have had you
you are in me
and
that can only be a good thing
i am better for it
those
thoughts
memories
are from a good time
extra ordinary
unique
wonderful
so it is ok
keep sneaking around
in my head
and in my heart
they like the company
march 11 2008
i saw a vision
[a
dream]
[an apparition]
initially there was reality
initially
there was concrete
initially there was beauty
blinding
the
beauty was freedom
intermingling of energy
two becoming
[seemingly] one
the beauty was [almost] blinding
no
it was
blinding
beauty can hold one hostage
for a time
until
the
light of reality shines in
beauty escapes
reality pulls the
veil aside
reality dulls the energy
reality dulls the
edge
dull
a word which describes myself so
well
----------------------------
i am the tree
which
fell in the forest
to prove a point
march 11 2008
this should be a
time
of deep thought
words thick with meaning
but nothing,
really
everyone stayed home
no crowd to cheer the grand
song
just a quiet breeze
hardly that
just another
day
love is come
love is gone
her scent will remain in
the air
bitter sweet
better for it
i will be on my way now
march 10 2008
reflections of
you
make me think
no
because of you
of meeting you
i
think
ponder
consider
plan
reflect
wondering
i
go back
many years ago
12 or so
at my mother's one
weekend
with my younger brother
my mother and step father are
drunk again
(no weekend off just cuz we were there)
and once
again
when they reach this certain level of buzz
they
fight
always in the kitchen
at the kitchen table
my
brother and i move from the living room occasionally
into the
kitchen
when the words get loud
and this time
they are
my
mother is screaming
she jumps up from her chair
and goes into
their bedroom
when she comes back she has a hand gun
some kind
of 6 shooter
she puts the barrel into her mouth
he is
unimpressed
eyes half closed from alcohol
she sees that
so
down goes the gun
while my brother and i plead for her to
stop
things quiet down for awhile
we go back into the
living room to play
don't want to get too far away
after a
lull more arguing ensues
i have to say my mother seems to be
leading the charge
comments
threats
then into the basement
she goes
what i remember next is her calling us
my brother and
myself
we go to the basement door
and begin walking down
as
my stepfather says not to worry
she is just trying to get
attention
but as i begin down the stairway
i see something
that a kid my age shouldn't
my mothers feet swinging
i scream
(not sure what my brother was doing, he was stuck to my side)
and
run downstairs
we both try grabbing her legs
to hold her up
my
step father lumbers down
again he tells us
she is just
playing
trying to get attention
her eyes open
she reaches
for the noose
under her chin
eyes on fire
angry with him
not
understanding
or
not caring what impact she had on us
she
removes the noose
and manages to climb back down (don't ask how,
it was 40 years ago)
fucked up times
fucked up weekends
at
mom's house
after she died...many years later
someone asked
me
why i was not angry
she was only 57
smoked (that is
really what killed her)
drank
and gone
i think he meant that
i should be angry cuz she left so early
(he didn't know the
rest)
i told him
she made her choices
i make mine
how
does this relate to you?
i am not sure
other than
you
make my mind work
no
because of you, my mind is SO
active
because of you, i want to grow
learn
be a better
person
see
(i've said this before)
you are not suppose to
exist
so no matter
how things end up
you have instilled a
certain hope
so i need to
ponder
consider
plan
reflect
be
better
a better
person
father
lover
teacher
philosopher
photographer
liver
of life
i to am a wounded soul
i want you to see the
scar
that was part of it
march 9 2008
now what
now
what
do i do
i seem to have lost myself in her
or in my search
for self
where do i go
what do i do
now
once
again, the tree crashes down in the forest
not to be heard
so
now what
march 5 2008
one day
god reached
down from heaven
and she touched me on my forehead
as she
whispered in my ear
telling me
know jim
know love
i am
showing you love, jim
where you thought there was no one
i
have let you see
what you did not think existed
love is not
easy
lust is easy
to know love
you must earn the
right
love does not come freely
march 5 2008
is it the cold
is it
the antibotics from the infection after the cold
is it life
is
it temperment
is it life
is it love
dried up ol fuck
february 26 2008
they stuck a
needle
in
my shoulder yesterday
tossed some steroids in me
gave me some
horse tablets to get me feeling better
flu for a week and now the
chest infection
im feeling better now
ok, i was
thinking
genius is not always recognized
just ask me
just
ask my friend mark
mark willer
take a listen to his music
it
seems to me
obvious
genius
when i first heard of mark
oh,
mark was a coworker
i ran the nightshift
and he was a young
manufacturing engineer
working days
we nodded and said hi in
passing
nothing more really
then someone told me that mark was
a musician
singer songwriter
with a cd out
hmmmm
so i
approached mark
id'd myself as a music lover
and bought one of
his cds
took it home and had a listen
interesting for
sure
maybe a bit dark
but good
he had a very distinqtive
voice
i did not mate it with the person i saw at work
very tom
waits
did he TRY to sound like tom?
a mimic maybe
i took
another listen
hmmmm
got some leonard cohen sounds to me
was
he trying to sound like leonard
not really, mark told me
all
the words were mark
story teller
painter of life images
more
abstract than realist
but sung with a strength of
emotion
passion
still
that voice
so i went to see mark
and his band play
fuck
that voice just comes right out of that
guy
jesus
no effort
just as natural as breathing itself
back
to listening
the devil is in the details, they say
mark's
genius is as well
in the production
sounds
instruments
voices
such
attention to detail
listen again
and hear more
mark says the
words mean whatever you want them to
for him
many are dabs of
paint
only having meaning
as part of the entire painting
there
were a few people who really thought mark just HAD to break into the
big time
they were music lovers
some new musicians who had made
it
and could tell talent at that level
i know mark is
genius
but i realize that his is not mainstream
not all will
understand
now mark lives afar
his day job has taken him away
from his muse
his music
but genius is still genius
february
24 2008
sorry been sick
for a
few days..
ok so what were we talking about?
oh yeah
she
gives me purpose
now
what the fuck im going to do with a
purpose i don't know
i mean
i don't even live near water
life
is some crazy shit
february 17 2008
im the most interesting person you never met
february 17 2008
dreamin
i got
this idea
to open a place
in an older office/warehouse
location
small bar with interesting beers/drinks
interesting
food
entertainment would be
from my movie collection
music
docs
old movies
indie shit
anime
so on so forth
live
music
live reads
open mics for all, at times
great juke
box
sharing music publically
other art forms
hanging on
the wall
open to ideas for other forms
sell, share,
live
of good times
ideas
what do you think?
email
@ rocketjim54@yahoo.com
i dont expect any emails so dont feel
bad when you dont contact me
i live that life
february 16 2008
i hate my
weakness
i
wanna knock it down
and kick it's fucking ass
it fucking pisses
me off
fuck
i HATE it
i really do
too fucking
lazy
talentless fool
don't deserve shit
dumb ass
the
only thing
i kick it's ass
and stand there
watching the
blood run off it's face
it makes me sick looking at it
weak
bastard
but i don't get any fucking satisfaction
puffy eyes
it
looks so damn pitiful
that is NOT what i wanted
so all i
can really do is wait it out
time is running out though
so
pray for rain, i guess
february 12 2008
sorting the experience all out = growth
my work is my
sanctuary
there is no room for work and pain
on the same
ride
pain has to wait
until i get home
then
i have to
look around
quickly
for more work
before that damn pain
comes back
shit
i didnt think i had a heart
and there it
pops up again
funny thing
if i took the time to measure it all
out
pain/happinesswarmth/nothing
i think
nothing would win
by a mile
with pain coming in a close second
february 11 2008
my muse has
competition
here
but not
for how long
i can't
really say
competition comes and goes
but this one
the
impact my be longer felt
as only one before
and then
not so prolific
then
maybe it is the time
and the
place
where i am
here and now
i wonder if my muse gets
jealous
or
if she is sitting somewhere
working off a
hangover
thanking her lucky stars
that i am not writing some
boring
lame as shit
about her leaving again
not being where
i want her
this pain in the ass old man
fuck
how
did she get that job
muse for some talentless old
bastard
wasted youth, yeah
where was he
then
bartender
i'll have another please
february 11 2008
oh sweet sadness
come
play with me
if i close my eyes
i can feel your hand
lightly running against my skin
under my chin
across my
shoulders
oh my dark eyed beauty
take my soul
breathe your
hot breath deep into me
so chilling
so cold in it's
blackness
wonderful
take me
make me yours
then
leave me
for you
it was a game
playing with
something
someone
warm
for me
an experience
who's
memory is longing
who's want turns to need
february 10 2008
friday work kept
my
occupied
saturday was horrible in it's intensity
the pain has
become less today
i guess there is no growth without pain
i
have learned of love
i have learned something of my own self
i
have learned of loss
though
i thought i have known loss
before
the feeling returned
fresh
strong
and with a new
vigor
as it dug deep into my soul
eyes bright
looking into
my own
as it turned
twisted
i can almost see a smile
but
for those bright eyes
ah
the pain
of love
and of love
lost
there is no beauty so deep
and powerful
as love
except
possibly
mixed with loss
together
one can see the
angels
hear their terribly wonderful song
there is no true
growth without pain
february 10 2008
people are
strange:
they are constantly angered by trivial things,
but on a major
matter
like
totally wasting their lives,
they hardly seem to
notice...
bukowski-wandering in the cage
february 8 2008
angel
this glorious
sadness
which brings me to my knees
february 8 2008
i love you
like
there is only one love
that love
THAT LOVE
and if i have
lost that love
i still have the love in my heart
the memory
of that love
unlike any other
i love you
not spoken in
the past
or the future
it just is
now
is
it was
there before
and will be there
i call that love
hope
february 5 2008
this is what it looks like inside my head
im not built for this. my emotional has always been under developed
february 3 2008
i am in a middle
place
change is in the air
it is not raging into sight
but
rather
quietly making itself felt
i am excited to see what is
coming up
i'll put my blinder back on and be quiet
oh
i'll
keep in touch
january 23 2008
some
day
someone will read this
write it all down
and publish
it
claiming to find
some long lost poet of life
will be the
marketing tool/hook
a poet of the people
a voice of the
common man
some will rave over the find
others
will
call it trash
silly drivel
i will agree...
january 23 2008
a
slave to work
a slave to life
a slave to love
give
in
and you are free
i am free
kill me, make me
your lover
january 16 2008
looking back
january 16 2008
sometimes i
wanna
shout
sometimes
i wanna let me out
the rage
the
joy
the energy
but i dont
i see it
but
i dont
do it
sometimes
i wanna reach down
all the way
down
and pull it out
actually
i would not have to pull
it out
it would just rush out
tearing the sides as it
escaped
as it roared up
racing
a banshee
a force
unknown, yet
undeniable
unleashed
(nietzsche's
will to power?)
but i dont
january 15 2008
it is uphill
that is
for certain
that is for goddamn certain
having said
that
and i did
i must like the climb
december 24 2007
more beautiful words of sadness and hope
i think
in the
beginning
i think that a person falls into love
with
an
idea
the idea of a person
ok
you have the emotion
and the
person
love projects
love anticipates
love fills in the
gaps where reality drops off
where experience has not
tread
yet
as time passes
reality flows in from this way
and that
experience replaces what love painted
covers
that beautiful imaginary portrait
with something
different
sometimes removing completely
the original
concept
sometimes reality pushes love out
but
sometimes
it
compliments the original
adding a little colorful something
here
moving some detail there
blending love with
reality
until
you have both love
and reality
that is
the beauty and risk of love
december 13 2007
i had a dream
a
thought actually
i could die in your arms
a death which
could only be described as glorious
in the moment
not a
normal morbid end of life
but a moment
a last moment with one
foot in one reality
and the other....in that other reality
but
just the fact
of the moment
together
with you
arms around
each other
your head on my chest
mine on your shoulder
the
smell of your skin
your hair
cheek against soft cheek
all my
senses alive
that one moment
locked for all eternity
sealed
in mental amber
emotional bliss
eternal
so
i could
die in your arms
i would die in your arms
10 days later - december 11 2007
the sadness in
my
life
is a beautiful sadness
she pulls at my heart
when she
dances in front of me
the sun at her back
brilliant in the
depth of her sorrow
i am stricken in her radiance
remarkable
in
the depth of her beauty
so beautiful
so sad
my
words fall short
i am frozen
i am made incomplete
i am
filled with love
love for beauty
the beauty of this great
sadness
a part of me
december 1 2007
here is my take
on
life
you have luck
luck is
a time/space thing
in
a certain place AT a certain time
but everything is
moving
so, for some
it seems THEY live a charmed life
for
others
it seems THEY make things happen
ok
we
influence
but
remember
being (existential)
in a
certain place AT a certain time
it may make more sense
so,
your influence on time a place is limited
considering the vastness
of each
but
if you choose
you can influence via your
will
that little place called
here and now
that
moment
seek not changing the outside
but
rather
seek
being in the self
in the moment
seek to understand the
essence
ask for help ok
but seek
or participate on
that journey of self
remember
where ever you are
you are
right here
right there
not somewhere else
more later
november 27 2007
satans mobile
disco
is
playing in my head
it kinda sounds like mistletoe
and feels so
very red
boom
boom
boom
while the voice sings
out
kill me now baby
and make me your lover
november 20 2007
a busy time
my
thoughts are stretched
in different directions
which
is a
good thing
a busy mind
so much to do
so little time
get
the fuck off your ass
and get going
oh...happy thanksgiving
october 29 2007
happy upcoming halloween
october 26 2007
so
im sitting here
lookin at the picture on the wall
enjoying my
cig
thinking about life
all of it
rick
janis
john
that's
life
boy this cigarette tastes great
life is good
october 16 2007
i am the battle
that
was not fought
mine was the light that did not shine
october 8 2007
lately
when i get
home
i find the word bucket is empty
just a drop at the
bottom
i stare at it
after a long day i can only
stare
wondering
how long that drop will remain
wondering
when
i get home tomorrow
will it be dry
and then what
fall into
that mediocrity
that i call bliss?
kiss
me my love
and please
if you love me
push that handle
push
it deeper
oh
the agony of love
october 2 2007
i
am an old woman
named after my mother....
sometimes i get
so damn depressed
that i think im in love again
september 29 2007
the days past
and i
neglect this page
oh
and now i have to write a #15 chart
topper
the pressure is on
oh
i was thinking
let
the light of......
never mind, the words made more sense
before
back later
september 16 2007
been busy. i'll catch up with you later
in remembrance
of
september 11 2001
considering the actions of those people
who
were in public office, a position one aspires to. one which
brings with it certain standards and responsibilities.
i find
suspect the honor and ethics of
the head of the faa and agency
heads
mr powell
ms rice
mr tenet
mr rumsfeld
i
find mr bush's actions almost criminal, if not for my own thought
that he is emotionally and intellectually incapable.
i do
believe mr cheney is criminal in, what i believe to be, his intent
and negligence.
of that group, i believe he is central.
i
have lost respect for mr clinton, who i felt is one of the most
intelligent men who have held that post. his failure was, for the
most part, was that regarding abusing his political position to
further his sexual desires and fantasies.
but as well i feel
he did not do enough to act, short term, against bin ladin, when the
threat was obvious and close. he went into political safe zone as his
own issues surfaced. his focus was not where it should have been.
i
would not hire any of these people. im sorry, i will not hire/vote
for any of these people in any capacity.
i do believe that in
a vague sort of way, these people, other than the head of the faa,
who was merely incompetent and negligent, were complicit in that they
were more concerned with the politic of the day rather than with the
job at hand. all seemed to be obviously unavailable or unwilling to
work with the commission on 9/11 in their search for
understanding.
they are all true politicians.
aug 25 2007
i
was here
when it was there
i was looking at this
when it
went that way
i drove up north
when it was vacationing down
south
i missed it, almost, all together
we are each different
now
i watched it on a documentary
im not so sure about it
but
it must have been fun
that was then
this is now
look
forward
out
into the horizon
maybe
someone will say the
same thing
at another time
hell
maybe they are
saying/typing/thinking it
now
aug 22 2007
in
celebration of the end (not in a journey sense)
let there be a new
beginning
look forward
understanding
that which moves from
this point
this moment
springs from
that which was
and
is
and shall be
aug 12 2007
the
reoccurring dream
i just realized
is not a dream
i wake up
and there i am
smack dab in the middle of my life
i blink
try
to go back to sleep
but nope
no can do
here i am
shit
now
what do i do
how do i get out of here
well
i better get
use to it
make the best of it
it aint so bad as all of that
i
mean
shit
it could be worse
it could be some fucking humdrum
life
nothing happening
nothing happens
the broken record
i
mean the street of my life just happens to be uphill
it'll make my
legs stronger
you know
that which does not kill me
makes
me stronger (saeth the hulk)
the eternal optimist
it's all
good
aug 8 2007
the
words have escaped me
so
i am off to find them
maybe
maybe
i shouldn't go off to find them
maybe
really
they haven't
escaped
really
maybe
if i sit quietly
don't make a
noise
and
close my eyes
hold my breath
not move
maybe
the'll think it is ok to come out
thinking that i have
left
maybe
thinking i am out looking for them
or
thinking
that i gave up
and moved on
either way
maybe they'll come
out
and if i am really lucky
they'll come close enough
that
i might have a chance at them
then again
maybe not
aug 5
2007
sometimes
sometimes i think
that
there should be
words to fill the void
not my words
the words of another
the
void?
left by my images
because
there is a void
where my
words should be
use to be
at least occassionally there were
words
now, it seems
either they are too quite for me to
hear
or
they appear at a moment in time when
i can't capture
them
i can't remember them
i don't care to pay attention
and
so the void
in this kingdom of one
i wonder of the
possibility
of another
to fill that void
fantasy, i
know
considering
sometimes i think
how things would be
with that void
filled
what it would look like
what it would
sound like
sometimes
aug 3 2007
there
are no promises
but
there are opportunities
jul 29 2007
what
is it
about the full moon time of the month
when a full
moon is almost upon us
my mind works overtime late at night
seems
like important issues come to the surface
not just dreams but
spiritual, philosophical, moral issues
and i can't ignore them
i
have to consider the thought as it is presented
what is
it
about the full moon time of the month
jul 26 2007
sometimes
sometimes
i think that
when you wait
that you are being tricked
the
trick is to out wait you
get you to wait until it is
passed
whatever it is
leaving you there
with out
missing
the
experience
the love
life
the thing
that thing
you
loose
you missed it
sometimes i think that
then
again
maybe that is part of the trick
that my mind plays on me
jul 20 2007
i am finding you to be terribly uninteresting
jul 18 2007
i
know what i said
but im too tired to write anything down
my
mind is too weary
the words are just blurry
no definition
i
can hardly respond to emails, for god sake
so go
leave me
alone
yeah yeah, i know
rags and bones
but nothing
happened
i said go
leave me along
there is nothing i can
do
really
there is nothing to write
go bother someone else
i
don't know why i started this anyway
there is no pump to
prime
there is nothing left
the day drains me
my work drains
me
there is little left inside
not enough for you
hell
what
good are you anyway
i mean
where the fuck were you when i
needed you
muse my ass
seems the only time i see you is WHEN i
am at work
i get home and what
you nag
nag, nag, nag, nag,
fucking nag
just leave me along
or just watch it
or i'll
poke you with this pencil
yeah that's right
so watch out there
little miss muse
or you'll be little miss one eyed muse
bitch
yeah
fuck
some days i just don't know....
jul 16 2007
im
trying to pull a rabbit out of my hat
it seems like it may
work
god, or that which i occasionally call god
seems, just
seems, to move something in front of me
from time to time
to
see how i will respond
it seems
the way respond these days is
different, much different
than the way would have only a couple
years back
as such
the results are different
ok
the
reason i give "credit" to the supreme being
is
this
timing
these hurdles or objects or whatever
seem to
come in front just when something seems like it is going too
easily
to balance that out
relief of an issue seems to come
mysteriously
a couple times REALLY FUCKING mysteriously
ok
in
my opinion, luck is nothing more than
a combination of position
in
time
and space
god stirs the time/space pot up a bit
to
see what happens
intentionally or otherwise
i think sometimes
it is a bit of each
in my opinion
ok
im done
jul 11 2007
i have a message for you, it is called death
july 4 2007
im back
when does the
well
intentioned turn into a lie
it is a lie when one continues
with the argument after the facts speak otherwise
it is a lie when
the words are used to mislead those of the real intention of ones
actions
it is a lie when truth is mixed in with untruth, the
intended untruth, to confuse and confound those of moral character
it
is a lie when the who lied are protected after they are caught
it
is despicable when human lives are held hostage in front of the
lie
it is despicable when patriotism is held up in front of the
lie
at some point we must call a lie just that a lie
im gone for a few days
until then
june 26
2007
regina
it is uncanny
she speaks with such a
familiar voice
can a sound
the sound of a voice
have such an
intimate impact on a psyche
the keyword is familiar
i know that
voice
i know those words
nope, never heard them before
but
they
ring a mental bell
listen
again
do i know you?
at another
level
yeah, i think so
june 25 2007
reflecting
back
my first level of self awareness
or awareness in
general
was as a child at the age of 5 or 6
awareness in the
form of consideration of my elders
such as my father and
mother.....
i pushed the door open
and walked into the
bedroom
quietly so as not to both them
i stopped in my
tracks
there they were both naked on the bed
he on his back and
she lying face down
later....
they were sitting in separate
chairs
in the living room
my brother was already sitting in my
mother's lap
cuddled up
emotional
i stood in the middle of
the room
i dont remember who asked
but
they told me that i
had to make a decision
i had to choose
one or the other
i
remainded in the middle of the room
looked at each
she was
reaching out to me, tears streaming from
her eyes.
he sat
motionless, frozen inside himself
unable, it seemed, to drag
himself out
out of the state of being
which wrapped itself
around him
to make his own plea
as i remained in the middle i
proclaimed
"if i cant have you both, i dont want either
one
of you"
that lasted for about a minute
and then i ran over
to her
later, much later....
they had been sitting at the
kitchen table for some time
drinking all day long
a normal
drinking day begins with beers and conversation
on general
topics
such as
what is going on at work
who did this
what
the plans are
then the talk moves to people they socialize
with.
friends, pseudo friends, aquaintenances.....
more
drinks
more talk
and then
they would turn the corner
that
one beer...or two
the conversation would focus
on actions
on
each other
reality blurred...and dark blur
words transformed
into weapons
the battle would rage
more beer consumed
deeper
into the darkness
finally
she was gone
we asked where she
went
he just shook his head and pointed to the basement door.
she
went down there
we walked down the stairs
apprehensive
calling
her name
no response
down
until i saw her feet
in
midair
my face became hot and flush
i froze and called her
name
then ran, stumbling, down the stairs
we both ran
up to
her, while calling out for help
each grabbed a leg
then she
moved in response
somehow she removed the belt from around her
neck (under her chin)
and let herself down
with our help
then
it fades again
truth hurts
june 24 2007
reviewing
the past
viewing the present
considering the
future
but
focusing
on the moment
the key to the
future
is in the present
being in the moment
june 20 2007
as the words cascade softly down from the singular paradise that is jimsimonson.info
touch me on that
soft
underbelly
that is my brain
run the torn edge of your nail
across my eye
lovingly
and with vigor
june 17 2007
beginings and
endings
on friday june 15 i went to see this new band,
dotdotdot.
some friends of mine are big fans of the band, the
fabulous janes,
and this new band had 3 of the members of the
janes.
my friends have been following the janes around to all
of the
festivals in the area. they can bring their younger son,
ride
the rides and then attend the show, to make a night of it.
ok, they are both cover bands. i have heard of the janes for
a
couple years but never seemed to be able the get to see
them.
the band has quite a following of fans. the dots are 3
months old.
well, the moment the show began i was grabbed and
held hostage to a
show filled with pure energy riding on talent
that i dont remember
seeing in a band of this genre. ever. the
thing that took this band
into a different place was the
showmanship. let's get something straight.
adam owns the
audience. how, you ask? well, with a great smile that MELTS
the
girls. you could hear them screaming when he came near the edge of
the
stage, which he did often,and i was 15 rows of ppl back. the
band worked the
entire stage and at a pace that would have most
humans panting. i dont think
adam is human, in that sense.
they
played 2 hrs non stop and i dont think he stood still for one moment.
the song list ran the gammet from pop to rock to hip hop. each
song seemed
a perfect transition from the previous. adam
constantly brought the crowd
in to the show by asking "hey
have you met??? adding a band member's name".
after the
show, i asked my friends "who can the janes top this?.
ron,
a big janes fan, just shrugged his shoulders. see, we thought the new
janes band
was going to be playing with replacement players. we
were going to see the new janes
on saturday night.
on
saturday night,i was introduced to the experience called the fabulous
janes.
a band who takes the crowd on a musical journey into the
past. a very eclectic
journey and with the janes leading the way,
it was one helluva ride. the show began
a bit rough. there felt,
to me, like a bit of tension or awkwardness between adam and dea.
adam's mic was turned way down and his guitar was silent for a
few minutes.
once the technical issues were sorted out and the
band got into their groove, the party began.
dea has a voice
which compliments that of adam in strength and depth.
not as
polished as the show the night before the song mix as i mentioned was
a musical
journey enjoyed by all. i did notice a couple country
tunes, which were absent from the
dot show. a slightly different
flavor. the dot show was clearly adam leading the way.
this show
was a mixture of adam and dea complimenting each other. now, when
adam would get
NEAR the edge of the stage or into the crowd that
crowd of women would surge forward to meet
him. oh, adam wears a
skirt when he plays with the janes. still, he owns the crowd.
men
and women alike.
so, in two days, i have seen a begining and
an end.
the dotdotdot band is now official in rockford and the
fabulous janes is no longer.
i was fortunate enough to be
there to see each.
long live both bands.
june 12 2007
have you ever
had a
day
you know
one where you woke up
refreshed and rested
the
sun was shining
it's rays bathing your face in warmth
everything
is just right
except
your attitude
you feel like someone
just stole your lunch money
and if you catch the fucker you just
KNOW you are going
to kick the shit out of that person
no
they
didnt steal your lunch money
they stole your fucking LUNCH
just
wait till i get that bastard
im going to kick some serious ASS
but
wait
that did NOT happen
so why do i feel like that?
did i
have a bad dream?
too much or not enough of something going
on?
you gotta keep telling yourself to ride it out
there is no
reason
change your karma
be in the moment
lose that
thing
that feeling
elevate yourself
your soul
from the
muck that got caught in your head
there
i feel better
i
would like to catch that fucking jerk who took my lunch though
even
if it was just in my head
june 10 2007
i realize
that i can
see into the future
through the eyes of my children and my
grandchild
while i am
in the present
and equally
in the
past
june 8 2007
when the words
come
out
the notes play it safe
when the music rises
the
words wear desguises
it seems like i never connect
it seems
like they never connect
so when does it work
except in
my sleep
or
when im unable to move
in the grasp
of that unknown force
greater than the desire inside
i
use to blame it on the drink
or sometimes
on the smoke, though
that argument was weak
the smoke was short lived
basically
no
matter what i say
the only thing i dont say is
i was lazy
i
am lazy
the pump is not primed
the coal burns very dimly,
though i still can see it
if i squint my eyes
in the darkness
of night
or my own depth
i have to work on that
i
open the faucet
i turn the valve
and sometimes
nothing flows
out
mostly what does come out is weak
words
just
words
lacking
inspiration less
though
they come from
the depths
they taste of
they are residue of that which
was
inspiration
of soul
of center
of essence
i
have to work on that (i have said that before)
june 4 2007
i know that you know that it is 2007
worked on pics
with
and
for janet from the recent wedding shoot.
4 hours is tooooo long
but a good experience.
sent 56 pics up to the printer and then
off to bed i went.
kaizen last week kept me going
i think
it is going to be a couple days before i am caught up to
my
"regular" work.
abby and i stopped and picked up
the new book at the beloit visitor center. they printed some of my
pics there. thrill. ok, not much. one of the pics was stretched.
still, nice enough of them to think of my stuff enough to call me
when i didnt answer their emails (spam filter got them).
i
picked up some spectra film to run through the minolta instant pro.
it is fun. i'll see.
with little effort it is apparent
that i am just typing. priming the pump.
seeing what comes out.
june 2 2007
my mind is full
i
was up at 4:45 to go in today 6 to 11
working with sandy on a
project
we presented to mike
mike liked the work but pointed
out plans
which superceded some of her work.
not a problem.
adjust and resubmit.
i expected that.
ali came over after
work.
so did lauren and maison. we went to find some plants
to
put on the deck.
i have a netflicks movie "before night
falls". havana in the 40s.
javier bardem, sean penn and
johnny depp are in it.
willer called. he and erin were in san
fran last week.
erin participated in some panel for a
presentation for her work.
it is always good to hear from mark.
i need to call him in a couple.
pizza for dinner. life is
good.
june 1 2007
it
was an eventful week
kaizen at the warehouse
i got notice that
the ehs job was taken
oh well
but that there was another
opening
the manager of ehs
back to kaizen
5:30 in and 5:30
out
long days but exciting
my first as an event leader
i
liked it
i have to relearn to tear myself away from the work
and
get back into lead functions
it is a hard transition
not
impossible
just change
no matter, my mind was working all
week
that gets my intellectual nut
and i like that
other
things:
got a box of books tuesday
bukowski, toole and another
bukowski
im into that
tonight was a nice cap for the
week
listened/watched a heavils music cd (the bass player looks
like milo)
kathleen edwards, blueheels, johnny cash,
me
playing along
some of my own sounds
catching up to kathleen
she
sounds a bit different with a distortion on her ass
i thought it
sounded good
began hollywood (bukowski)
my gears mesh with his
words
in sync
finish off with this
and some placebo covering
kate bush
i think the storm earlier washed all the shit
away
cleared the air
cleared my mind
no matter
i like
it
ali is over tomorrow
abby is back from florida
maybe
lauren and maison will stop by
june 1 2007
in response to a posting made by gail orenstein
murder suicide
euthanasia
we are fickle people
certain killing is ok
state
makes the rules
god makes the rules
(oh, man was nice enough
to write those rules down for god)
opinions
my own?
if i
perceive my life in that bad a situation
fuck the rules, im
gone
if i need help
god help that person who helps me
cuz
the state wont
and the church wont
(havent yet seen god reach
down and interview so i am guessing she is leaving all that shit to
us)
"kill em all, i'll make more"
oh did i
leave out free will somewhere?
hmmmm
now i have to rewrite all
of this
feb something 2007
a masterpiece
a
fortunate moment
the madison blues
wanna buy some weed buddy
in
the moment
as the winds of change blow against my cheek
there
we were
face to face
snap
and off we go
this way
and
that
into the abyss
